Trying To Remember To Breathe

My mantra today:

I AM SAFE.
I AM SAFE.
I AM SAFE.

Not really working though.
I'm trying to remember to breathe too.
While repeating as often as necessary that
I am in fact..SAFE.

If ever I doubted being abused is real because people said
"OH...it's not that bad." "It wasn't what you think".
"It's all in your head".
Today, I got flood with panic and fear.

Well, actually it started yesterday.
I smelled a smell I haven't smelled in over 30 years.
No matter how hard I  tried,
I couldn't escape it.
It was all around me.
Every way I turned my head, it was there.

Even when I laid down to sleep.
It was there. But even stronger.
I bid the smell and the person it's attached to,
to be gone and leave me in peace. Then fell into
a restless sleep.

My old injury from this abuser has been flaring something fierce.
Then this smell.
Today, he pops up on FB.
Not on my wall or anything. But in connection to things from years ago.

I thought my heart was going to stop.
I had looked before, and never saw anything.
I felt...crazy but...I felt a little safer, knowing he wasn't on there.
Little did I know, he has been for 3 years.  I just didn't search his nickname.

There are approximately 2507 miles between us.
But in this moment, it may as well be zero because I am that triggered.

Every noise is going to make me jump.
I will be seeing things in the shadows.

Even though, the likelihood of ever seeing him is slim.
I also know what he is capable of.
And if the not yet ex can put me in a tailspin...
This one is worse.

Worse because he has threatened my life more than once in the past.
Worse because he has held me at knife point.
Worse because he has held me at gun point.
Worse because part of the reason he spent time in jail was on account of
an outstanding bench warrant in a case of him vs me.

If I ever began to doubt if my abuse was real...
seeing  his face in a photo proved otherwise.

So today, I just need to keep reminding myself that I am safe.
That everything will be okay.

PTSD....SUCKS!!!!!!

Failing Miserably

I have this list, usually a mental list.
Of things I want to be doing.
Of things I feel like I SHOULD be doing.

And I am failing.
Miserably!
At doing any of it.

Remember that 50x50 idea I had.
Yeah.
Not going so well.
I've only gotten 4, maybe 5 done.
And one is still a WIP.

I sign up for these free online summit things.
And then, I never get around to listening or watching.
Or...Doing.

Again...
failing....
miserably.

And it always comes back to the same ole reason.
GUILT!

I feel guilty for wanting to do a thing.
I feel guilty for trying to do a thing.
I feel guilty for needing stuff to do said things.
I feel guilty for actually doing a thing.

And well, to be honest it's not just the guilt.
It is the whole impostor syndrome thing.
It is the whole not good enough thing.
It is the whole why should I bother, no one will care thing.

Never mind how much joy it might bring me though.
Oh no, because me being happy doesn't matter. Dontcha know.
Or at least that's what the gremlins tell me.

I was doing good there for awhile, fending them off.
But, somewhere along the way the managed to gain the upper hand
and are winning again.

Well....with having that bout of the dizzies, I wasn't up to fighting
anything at all.  But they gained the upper hand even before that, I think.

The dizzies have passed.
THANKFULLY!
Though, I am continuing the Ginko and the B12.
I mean, it can't hurt.
I've not noticed an improvement over the foggy brain, but it's only been
two maybe three weeks, or there abouts.

So there it is.
Me failing.
Yet again.

I can probably still make it  if I put my mind to doing the 50x50.
But do I even try??

Forever In My Memory

Today like, for most New Yorkers and those who lost friends and loved ones was a somber day.

I tried to fill my day with distractions, unsuccessfully.

I still can't bring myself to watch a memorial on TV.
After 18 years, I just can't.

There were little things today that brought certain moments to the front of my mind.

There was a post I read on Facebook today that said something along the lines of:
9/11 is the JFK moment of this generation.
And it hit me as to how right she was.

I can remember as a child, my mother or grandmother talking about where they were
or what they were doing when JFK died.
And that is exactly what my generation is doing today.
My feed was filled with "Where were you when" posts about that fateful day.

I won't reiterate the details of my experience.
I've posted it before.

I used to think writing it every year was  helpful.
Now, I'm not so sure.
If nothing else, it keeps it fresh in my mind.

The sad thing is, for all the remembering done today.
Life will go on as usual tomorrow, as if today never happened.
Those that hung up their hate for today, will don the cloak of it
tomorrow and go about their ways.
Or maybe I'm just being cynical? Is that the right word?

Can't we all just fucking get along and live in peace?!
But that might be a post for another day. Eh?

Fall Weather Is Here, For Now

We were about 90 on Saturday, and mostly 90s all week before that.
Then, Sunday it dropped a good 30 degrees. 
70-ish yesterday, and about the same today.

I'll take it!!
Jeans
Sweatshirts
HELL YEAH!

80s it looks like later this week
But that's okay, it won't be swampy and sweltering.

Dizzies are improving for the most part.
I don't feel like I'm on a boat constantly.
Though, moving too fast or bending over doesn't feel too good.

Neck still feels weird.
I'm thinking it's more spurs.
But up in my neck. It makes sense.
I have them in my lower back already.

I'll keep up with the Ginko and B12, or try to at least. 
I tend to forget sometimes. But so far, so good.
I might add the "other" Dramamine in, just to see.

Trying to avoid ibuprofen unless the pain really flairs.
I know, not ideal.
But if I take it too often it's hard on the tummy.

Oh...another thing about it finally feeling like Fall......
I can sleep with my heating pad!!!!!!!!!
Silly? Probably.  But it's cozy and comforting.

Need to top off the coffee and take my stuff before I forget.

Have a lovely day!

Temporarily Down For The Count

I have no idea what it is or what caused it, or if it might be this weird bug going around.

BUT...I've been down for the count since Friday.
Woke up okay, and then I started feeling dizzy.
Which started making me feel nauseous.
I brushed it off and just a passing thing or maybe just my blood sugar dropping too low
since I hadn't had any breakfast.  I'm not much of a breakfast person.

I sucked on a hard candy until I could get something to drink and nibble on.
That usually works, and when it didn't I started to wonder what the hell.
I barely made it through the Dollar Tree.  But I did grab a drink and some crackers.
They didn't help.

"Mom" made the executive decision to just go back home and finish errands later.
We only got a couple of miles before all my coffee made a return trip.
UGH!  But once that was over with, I felt slightly better.
Eventually, I started to feel a hair better but went back to bed and laid there awhile.
That was all the vomiting I did, and the nausea went away for the most part.
But the world wouldn't stop spinning.

So we're thinking I some how developed vertigo.
I think it's some how related to my neck.
Trying some home remedies to see if I can shake it.

I managed to go out after all on Saturday afternoon.  Made it through mostly with only
mild dizziness. But on the way home, since it was hotter it started to get a little worse.
At least not Friday worse though.

I picked up some Ginko and some Dramamine.
Both are supposed to help with vertigo, if that's what it is.
If it's the weird bug going around, then at least the  Dramamine will help with the
dizziness and nausea.  Added some B12 in there too.
It was a little better yesterday and today is so so, not worse but I'm not at 100% either.

It feels somewhat like I'm on a boat.
If I move my head too fast, then things really spin for a minute.
If by the end of the week it's not better or  gone, I'll probably go to the doctor.

In the meantime, I am mostly just sitting and doing not much of anything.