Only I Could...

be the oxymoron of oxymorons. Well in my theory so far at least. I've been having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING. But hell if I know what. We've gone over a gamut of things just about everyday for the last few days trying to find a common denominator. No new or strange foods. Not been rolling in things I shouldn't be. I don't wear perfume or make up. But I have been itching like crazy neck, arms, back, upper chest (here and a bit on my neck I have a mild rash) and tummy (mild rash comes and goes here).

The only common link I can find is my ....wait for it....Ready?....My allergy medication! I mean really...wtf? But I looked them up, I've been alternating Zyrtec and Allegra (store brands) and lo and behold in rare cases (ME!) you can have itching and rashes. WELL SHIT! Now what do I do? I can't take Claritin. Why? LOL You guessed it...I'm allergic to it. Benadryl knocks me the fuck out. And since I'm trying to prove my theory, I'm hesitant to take anything.

I have got to find some natural remedies again. I used to take a product by Nature's Sunshine years ago. But damn it's gotten expensive! Gotta seriously find a herb store or something around here soon. And evaluate my stash of herbs to see if I have anything I can brew up. And soon too, I'm not sleeping well due to the itching. And if I can't take anything I will end up wheezing and coughing and sneezing all night too. UGH! Only me this could happen to LOL. Really wish I had my fenugreek about now!

One Year Ago Today

....I made a leap to follow my heart. I got on a plane and flew 2200 miles to be with my soulmate. A leap to leave an abusive relationship. I risked everything...for happiness, for love, for freedom to be me, to find myself again.

I think the risk paid off in many ways. I did leave an abusive relationship. I did find freedom, happiness and love. I'm still working on finding myself but that is an everyday process. I have a wonderful support system and am surrounded by people love me for who I am, for who I am becoming. They encourage me to grow, to create, to be me. My Beloved and I have worked through what we needed to and came out stronger than ever.

All this didn't come for free. It did cost me. And I don't mean financially. It meant leaving my girls behind. They were old enough to choose, but this was also my journey not theirs. The cost though, is I haven't seen them in a year. We talk on the phone and sometimes we chat via webcam. I miss them everyday! Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I love them any less or that they have been replaced. Nothing, no one can replace my girls.

This is only a small step in my journey. I know it isn't over. Together with my Beloved and those I love whether near or far, I can continue to heal and take more steps to grow and become, to find the self I had lost.

And a big thank you and hugs to all of my blog friends who have supported me with your love and positive thoughts. MUAH!

Writing, Arting, Whispers From My Muse (I Hope)

AAAAAAAAAAAH! So I didn't get the memo/email that Camp Nanowrimo had started. CRAP! Coincidentally, I had started BuNoWriMo on June first, if you can call writing about 200 words starting anyway. That's as far as I got and then I dunno I freeze up, the vision in my head gets muddled and I can't see the scenes. Honestly this shits gotta stop, ya know! I'm really tired of getting these images and scenes in my head, and then when I sit down to write them it's like a fog bank rolls in. It's frustrating! I'm tired of saying I wanna be a writer, or I wanna be an artist or that I'm just a "wanna-be" period.

I guess, I think...the first step would be to stop saying what I want to be and just start doing it. I have so much support here! It's amazing, but instead of reveling in it and using it as a motivator I hole up and hide. I let those negative voices take control and keep me chained up.

I've been fortunate enough to have been sponsored into Book Of Days Premium by the ever lovely Poptart. If you're in BOD you know who she is. THEN, the Gods/Goddesses shined down on me and I won a spot (finally) into Lifebook with Willowing. OMG! I'm so thrilled. I started on Tam's first lesson. Finding my Goddess Superpowers. Um...me...I uh, well uh...I don't feel as if I have any. Yep you guessed it...those bad voices again. Coupled with knowing how far behind I am in Lifebook (they're at like week 23 or so and I'm still at week 1 *le sigh*).
It's overwhelming!

In so many ways I've lost touch with my Muse, and I don't like it. I acknowledge that I've been letting my fears especially of failure really keep me from connecting with her. In other ways I don't feel worthy of (re)connecting with her. But I want writing and art to be my life. So much so that I've started Divine Spark Daily with Shiloh Sophia. Like the other ladies doing this I want to know my Muse's name. I really NEED to connect or more like reconnect with her, and to make her more real, I need to know her name.

I swear yesterday, I heard some faint whispers from her that came across in a note she wrote me (it was day 1's exercise). Today I'm supposed to write a letter to her, but I don't know what to say. But I need do these things. I need to sit down and write or try to even if it's just a few lines at a time. I need to sit and pick up the paint brush and work in my journal, on my Lifebook lessons, get back into BOD seriously as well as do Elements and any other group activity. I need to stop hiding in the shadows. I really need to take an active role in my life and do the things I want to do. I have the tools and the support, so I really shouldn't have any excuses. Right?