Some things never change...Or did I just bury my head in the sand?

So I was poking around in my closet and I came across an old journal. I began to read it, it dates back 90. I'm not the most consistant journaler, so there are alot of gaps. But the theme remained the same. All my life, I've been the victim of abuse in one form or another. It was easier to see when it was physical. Mental or emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, ones that make you think you imagined it all. Finding the strength to get out of such a situation is extremely hard. The constant mental battle that you have on how to get out of it, or the one where you argue with yourself is it real or imagined. Especially when the person causing the pain is gifted at manipulating words and others to taking their side.

It was hard to see that I was being emotionally abused. I saw signs of it in my journal, but instead I guess I chose to "bury my head in the sand". I didn't want to accept, admit that I had allowed myself to fall victim yet again.

Most of my life, I've lived believing I'm worthless and unlovable. That there is no hope for happiness for me, that there is no end of the rainbow with a happy ending. Even today, I still have that argument. I still tend to see myself as unlovable, unworthy, that I'll always be alone. I constantly fear that the man I've fallen for will leave me. The fears, the doubts, the feelings they can be quite difficult to deal with at times.

All of that seems to add to my lack of inspiration sometimes. All the stuff I've been through, makes me feel like I'd fail which makes it difficult to write. Lucky for me though, I have someone that truly believes in me despite all my tears, pain, doubts, and fears. Maybe I can finally find my happy ending.

So my new main character has a name

Finally, my character has a name. She's not exactly new, I orginally started her for a warm up writing I was doing with a friend. But life happened and our little just for fun project got put on hold for quite a while.

Now my little creation's been nagging to come out, but I'm not so sure I want to continue using her for our little warm up project. She nagging at me to bring her to life but in a story of my own. I have some ideas as to what/who she is, but I need to do some more developing IE: time, setting, additional characters, and a host of other elements. But it's still a start. It's something.

So therefore I am hopeful. Something I haven't been in a long time. And that's all thanks to the wonderful and amazing man in my life, who helped name her too. :D

The Banner...

Okay... That banner in the previous post was actually created for me back in 2006. I had it posted on another blog of mine that I no long use. I felt it deserves to be here, and so it is.

This would be my original story, the one that I can no longer seem to find the inspiration to write. Poor Tiana is lost in the endless maze that is my mind, hopefully one day she will find her way out and we can continue the journey we began in 2006.

I do however have a new well not so new character poking around at me. Not sure yet what adventure awaits but its a start.

Doesn't this just totally rock?!?

Doesn't this just totally rock?!?

This is a banner created by "Feigning Invincible" aka Jessica just for my book. The girl is wickedly talented.

I don't know her personally, she just put an offer out to us NaNo-ites that she'd help make some banners. So I took her up on it, just gave a few details, and this is what she comes up with. I didn't even describe my character all that well, yet there's Tiana almost exactly as I see her some times.

Thanks Jessica, You Rock!!

Tales Unwritten and Forgotten

So many times I've tried to start and keep up with a blog, and I've failed time and again. Yet here I am, once again, making that attempt. And hopefully a successful one this time.

About three years ago, I had an idea for a fantasy novel. I had characters, settings, plots, all in my head. So many ideas flying around i couldn't get them all down, but then again I knew nothing about keeping a Writer's Notebook either. I did manage to jot down a lot of it, even managed to create a few chapters. I attempted NaNoWriMo that year, but I didn't make the goal.

The sad reality is that my grandmother, my rock, my mentor took ill. To our sadness, we learned that the cancer she had beaten years earlier had returned with a vengeance. It hit so fast, so hard. It had metastasized to her spine, her ribs, and was seeming to spread to new areas daily. She was in such pain, I felt helpless to ease it and comfort her.

With this all of my writing was put on hold. I couldn't think or focus on anything else but her. Thanksgiving day 2006 at around noon, my beloved grandmother passed from this world. I felt my entire world die with her. Despite the fact I had my children around me, I felt very much alone. When she died, all my dreams, my thoughts of writing, my ideas, my inspiration...all died with her that day.

She always believed in me, never judged me, always supported me. So I know she would not want me to go on like this. She would want me to search and find my inspiration, and chase my dream. So, I've been trying to do just that. I've pulled out all my notes, all my research in hopes of trying to find that spark. But I also have something else now, I have an amazing, wonderful guy that believes in me. So as I find my way back to writing, with his love and support, I can make it one day.