It's Been A Painful Week

 This week has just been painful....no two ways about it.
I wasn't expecting to hurt this long.  But here we are.

Yesterday I was outside with the little monster while she tossed around the dog's toy.
Girl's got a wild pitch and accidently hit me right where the doctor poked the bear.
HOLY FUCK! Did that hurt!!!
We think I'm bruised there now on top of the poked bear spot.  So double the fun...NOT!

But aside from that yesterday just sucked balls.
Screw everything else that's happened...which also sucks in a major way.
But...Fred.
Oh Fred. *sob*

He was fine in the morning. Mom said he even ate all his breakfast.  I let him out at 8:30 AM
and he was fine.  Even came back without being called. 
By the afternoon though, something was terribly wrong.
Sister and the kids came over and he didn't get up. He didn't bark.
Which is SO NOT FRED! 
I tried but he wouldn't get up.  Beloved tried and he wouldn't get up. So Beloved helped up and
poor baby cried. I managed to coax him half way to the door and he laid down again.
We thought it was his back because he's a long dog.  Long dogs as they get older get back problems.
Sister looked in his mouth and his gums were white.
He was going into shock and we didn't know why.

Sister and Mom scooped him up and jumped in the car, rushing him to the vet.
After determining he didn't get into any kind of poison the vet did an ultrasound.
It turns out, his spleen ruptured and he was bleeding internally.  It was a cancer we had no
idea he even had because he had been fine.  He was always just being Fred.
Even if they did surgery, he would have had to have chemo.  At best he would have had six 
more months after that and it would be a painful six months.

Mom made the heart breaking decision to let him go with dignity and spare him more pain.

We are all just heart broken. We have 4 other dogs, but the house is just too quiet without Fred.
No clippity cloppity on the floor from him walking.  No woo wooing when he'd talk to you.
It sucks!  I want my Fred back!! Fuck Cancer!!!!!

He just turned 9 last month.  We were supposed to have a few more years with him.
Vet said he is seeing more and more of this kind of cancer in dogs.  And it's the worst kind because you don't know about it until it's too late.  Did I mention FUCK CANCER?!

The Day After

 So.........Biopies............

SUCK Donkey wang!!

Ouch!!!!

It was painful in ways I didn't expect.
I came home and pretty much slept the rest of the day and night away.

I still could, if I let myself.
So tired.

And sore, achy.
My back.  But I don't know if that the procedure or fibro or both.
My right side is very twitchy.  I know THAT is from the procedure.
It was touchy before, now it's just pissed lol.

I go back on Monday for the results of what was done.
The one thing he did say though was I would probably be losing an ovary in the process.

The initial goal was to leave them.
So we shall see.

Today was the first day that the top number of my BP was low.
I think it was 119/90.  I know the bottom is still high.

Having bouts of nausea but I can eat and keep food down.
So I am guessing it's just me coming off the one medication.

I dunno maybe I'm just a wimp.

I've been really struggling to do that assignment the doctor gave me.
Hard to find anything I like or love about myself.

And The Results Are In

 So................

Labs are back.
And for the most part things looked good.

Cholesterol is a little high.  They want me to try diet first.
I'm Hypothyroid.  Going to address that with medication.
Estrogen dominant.  TBD.  They said meds, but that might be on hold.

I did tell you I was diagnosed with Fibro, I think.

White Coat Syndrome is in full swing and I can't get down.
It is a little better than it was at the office, but not where I'd like it.

But I'm a jumbled mess.
I'm a nervous wreck.

Tomorrow they are doing a biopsy.
He's sure that it's horses and not zebras we're hearing.
I am sure too.  BUT...that doesn't make me any less nervous.
Even now that I know more or less what he's going to do.

I have polyps and adenomyosis.
Possible endo.  

I have three different meds to take tomorrow to make me loopy.
I've never taken any of these before.  So interesting stuff....maybe.

The results will be back in a week.  So I go back then for the low down.

Then we pick a date...I guess...I dunno.
We're taking it out.  
Guess that's going to be my birthday present.  I figure it will happen some
time in October.

And here's a thing.
He...the doctor...doesn't know my story.
But......he could tell I've been through some shit in my life.
He noticed I struggle with making decisions even after I've made one.  
He could tell that I was wavering, doubting myself.
He asked me why...so I gave him the cliff notes version.

He told me that I was capable and smart.
Then he gave me homework.
I'm to write down 3 things I like about myself every night for 30 days.
So far....I have zero.   *sigh*
At the end of this assignment, I'll have 90 things and then I'm to pick
the top 15. These he said are my core values and to guard them with my life.

It's to help me learn what I love about myself and to learn HOW to love myself.

Just if you could send some calming vibes, some strength too maybe....
I'd really appreciate it.  

Happy September!

 Rabbit, Rabbit as they say.

Here's hoping September is a little more kind to all of us.

Finally went to the doctor's appointment that I have been putting off for several months now.  I waited until the last possible moment to go....well basically because my experience has been that the doctor was dismissive of my complaints.

So now that I was able to finally switch doctors. AND...now that I absolutely had to go in.  
And today was that day.
A doctor who listened.  Who did not dismiss what I said. Who is open minded.

After a one hour visit and EIGHT!!!! vials of blood later...............
I left knowing that yes I do have fibro. 
I left knowing I can't take my prescription that was controlling my monthly and the polyps.
Diagnosed also with migraines and those with aura...hence the call to stop my prescription.

He is testing me for everything and anything.
Hormones, Thyroid, Blood Sugar, Sjogren's, Lupus, and I don't know what all else.  Just
a lot of STUFFS!  He  basically also wants to see if I have just fibro or fibro and ????? whatever else may be.  He said sometimes it is a stand alone thing and sometime it isn't.  But the only way to know for sure is lab work.
There's an ultrasound scheduled and more than likely a biopsy too.  Just to rule out things.
I'm not thrilled about the biopsy stuff. I'd rather avoid it if I could.  But he thinks it's in my interest to have it and rule other things out.   He's encouraging that I do this because I am now a woman of a "certain age" as they say.  And I'm in that window of where things go stupid.

After all that, even though I have now eaten....I feel drained.  I could take a nap I think but it won't make me feel better so I'll ho-hum through the afternoon.  Maybe I'll have some coffee.  I only had a half cup this morning.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment I can't really process or remember everything.

Happy World Photography Day!

   

I had heard it was coming around, but I had no idea it's be celebrated since 1839!!!

That's a REALLY long time!

I've been trying to motivate myself to work more with my camera.
Trying to keep up with a weekly challenge.
I suck at the daily ones.
I'm not doing so hot with the weekly one either.  Not consistent.  
Story of my life I suppose.

Just like with my art.
So much inconsistency.
One would think with my not being to go anywhere much of the time,
that I'd be flinging paint like a mad woman.
But I still feel so paralyzed by guilt and fear.

I had planed to share a few of my nature shots with you all. 
But I was blessed with new computer guts and well all those are on the old
hard drive, which even though is installed in my tower.  A) I don't know if it's
connected. and B) If it is, I can't figure out how to access it.
And the week long migraine I've had, has had me not very interested in figuring it out.

Thus the reason for the recent radio silence.
It's better, but not completely gone.
It seems to be hanging out in my neck. Which is making sitting at my PC a little uncomfortable.

When I am feeling more myself, I will definitely get a few pictures up.

Between the heat, the smoke, and the migraine I've just not felt like fiddling with things that
require me to be some what technical or to pay attention.  My focus hasn't been there much either.

If you haven't heard, the PNW and California and Nevada are on fire again this year. 
We have at least 4 that are 29-40 miles from us.  There's one that is 1.5 hours from here.  If you look
at the fire map, it's just flame dots everywhere from the coast to Colorado basically.  So the smoke the last couple to three/four days has been increasing.  Some times it literally smells like your in the middle of a camp fire.  None are a threat to us physically.  But it makes the air just plain gross.

In the mean time, I'll leave with the slightly dated photo of my baby boy who just turned 9 years old a couple of weeks ago.  He's an ass, but he's my ass.

 

A Little Lighter Faire Today

I wanted to come in today with something a little lighter.
Something less doom and gloom, and OMGTHESKYISFALLING!

We have garden this year.  Which is making me all kinds of
happy and YAY Fresh veggies that I grew!
Everything is from seed, that I started.
"Mom" helped getting some of them going a couple months ago
when we hatched this plan.  We had a seed planting day.
Well I had more than one but that only because I had to acquire more
seeds.

There doesn't seem to me a whole lot of things I've done right.
But I feel like this is something I can do.
It's becoming one of my happy places.
I don't do outside much...
Because...Well BUGS!  Ew! 
And wasps...a whole lotta NOPE right there.
I'm learning to be a peace with the honey bees that visit.

So I thought I'd share some pictures of my happy place.
In another post I will share some of my garden friends.

Tomato "cage"
 3 varieties!
Kohlrabi to the left. 
Brussels in the square.

Another view of the tomatoes.
And the Garden Bed. Which has Brussels, Zucchini
and Cucumber. Also holding a pot of peppers and rogue tomato.
In the white plant boxes: Eggplant, Spring Onion, Heirloom Lettuce.

In this box are Early Girls, but they are
having a bit of  slow start.

Top Left: PEAS!  since been harvested and eaten. and some
struggling to get going Patty Pan.
Top Right: Cherry tomatoes in the red box.  Broccoli, Brussels,
and seeds for Bush Beans and Beets (they are now growing)
Bottom Left: The bed before I planted stuff.
Bottom Center: Kohlrabi
Bottom Right: Earlier photo of the Tomatoes 

How Is August Already?

First and foremost, Lammas Blessings dear readers and friends.
Happy August!  Rabbit, Rabbit as they say.

So much on my heart and mind
And I can't seem to find the words to make sense of it all.
I keep thinking of my Babci and man I'm grateful that she isn't
alive to see what is happening in this country.
At the same time, I feel like she must be rolling over in her grave.
I feel like I can hear her saying,
"I've been through this and it doesn't turn out well"

I shared a post on my FB about a medic who was in Portland
that got hit in the chest with a "non-lethal round" and someone
asked me if I was anti-police.
I've been trying to figure out how to even respond to that.
So far I am choosing to not engage. 
But at the same time how can someone be okay with
mercenaries shooting at and harming medics.  People who are
clearly marked as such that it's undeniable what their role is.
People who these mercenaries can clearly see are trying to help
the wounded and this....THIS IS WHAT THEY DO?

I wanted to scream at this person....these are NOT police. These
are hired hands doing some POS's dirty work.  As someone who is
friends with many retired EMS workers, how can you be okay with this?
What if that medic was one of your friends on the front lines? 

And don't get me started on the way they are attacking the press who
are on the front lines trying to report on it all.  How many have lost
an eye to these "non-lethal rounds"?

UGH!! UGH!! UGH!!
So much I want to say and express.
And I just don't know how! 
It makes me angry.
It makes my heart hurt.
It makes me feel helpless.

Then there's the people that say that wearing a mask is all part of a conspiracy.
That the virus is a hoax or just not as bad as we're told.

But I have friends who have had it and they say other wise.
That is bad. It's awful.  I have a cousin who died to it.
The Beloved has a friend who's father is in the hospital with it and it's not looking good.
The Beloved's brother was exposed. Two of his sisters have been exposed.
Thank the gods they are all okay!
His Mom's NP is in the hospital fighting for his life right now with this virus..

The state should be going back a couple stages.
Our cases and deaths are rising.
Our hospitalizations are rising.
But the governor says people's common sense will prevail so we can reopen.
When I go out, I'm surrounded by stupid.
All these people and their children that go around unmasked.
All the ones that say "PUT OUR KIDS BACK TO SCHOOL! They won't get it."
Then I see the sleep over camp in Georgia with 597 in residence and what is it now
76% tested positive?  Majority for that being 6 - 10 year olds. 

I just can't. 
It's all too much.

And I just don't see things getting better any time soon with the leadership we have.

This barely touches the surface of the jumbled mess of words that is swirling inside me.

Stay safe, wear a fucking mask.