And a new one on the horizon, about to begin.
Okay, well in approximately 12 hours and 20 minutes, give or take (my time of course).
I've contemplated what to do with this blog.
It's that time where I think, maybe I should archive it.
Well, archive all the posts and start fresh.
Then I think, no...leave this and start a whole new one.
Then I think how attached I am to this one and do I really want to put it in a box.
Yes, no, maybe....I dunno.
I go through this phase every so often.
I mean, after all, I've had this blog for ten years!
It's seen me through some shit, and then some.
No, I can't part with it. And I don't think I can archive the posts.
But at the same time, I want something fresh. So maybe I'll just redo the layout or theme.
I haven't decided, my brain is still too muddle with "the plague".
Yep, I've been down for a week now. The creeping crud that I managed to dodge from
everyone finally caught up with me on Christmas Eve.
I skipped going to see the lights so that I could hopefully recuperate for the next day.
But that didn't happen. I was pretty much down and out. I went to see the kiddos open
gifts and then came back home and went promptly to bed. Where I stayed for the next couple of days.
I've finally managed to come out of the cave (my room) the last couple of days.
But the cough just won't quit, which is exhausting.
I'll give it a few more days, then I'll think about going to the doctor.
There's not much to be done, I don't think.
Fluids and fluids and rest and more fluids. Which I am already doing.
I've been thinking about my Word of the Year for a bit now.
I decided early on that for the first time I am keeping my word for a second year.
I had chosen SACRED as my word for 2019, and I didn't follow with it as I had hoped to.
And so I am going to carry it into 2020.
BUT....
I am choosing a second word.
This one came to me while reading a promo email for some class/workshop thing.
You know the ones....throw your money at me because I have all the answers and take my class
so I can show you all my secrets kinda thing.
I skimmed over the email, as one does with these types of things that I don't have money to
spend on anyway.
But one word kept jumping out at me.
ALIGN(MENT).
I toyed with it. Mulled it over.
Chewed on it. Thought some more.
It seems right. It seems a good second word.
To align with the Sacred.
To align with my desires.
To come into Sacred Alignment with:
*Myself
*My Art
*My Writing
*My Path in life
*My Photography
*My Beliefs
*My Wants, Desires, Needs.
It sounds good in theory.
But putting it into practice, well...that's another story.
I haven't come up with a plan yet.
I had intended to, but the "Plague" had other plans and derailed me temporarily.
I want 2020 to be different.
I don't want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over.
I don't want to keep falling into the same traps.
So here's to new ways and new things, new thoughts and new adventures.
May we all have a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year.
TO 2020!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Sunday, December 22, 2019
Solstice and Yule Blessings
I was torn between posting yesterday or today.
Of course, I could have done both...but ya know.
Yesterday was the Winter Solstice
I had the greatest intentions, but instead all I made was a batch of
dough for Kolachy.
Today, as I understand it, is the beginning of the Yule season.
I spent it trying to wrap up the last bits of Christmas prep.
We've whittled the festivities of the day down to gathering earlier in
the day to exchange gifts for just the kiddos. We have a light fare of
snacks and sandwiches. Which then leaves everyone to go off and
do their thing with extended family or just be with their own. And
then the littles get the rest of the day to have fun with their gifts.
I'll be tossing together a meal in the crockpot to cook whilst we
are exchanging gifts for us to have that evening. A new to me
recipe, but it sounds good and easy enough that I can't mess it up.
I'll try to remember to take pictures.
We're also keeping this christmas on the short side because Sister #3's
pupper was hit by a car a couple of weeks ago and is in the process of
recovering from a break in his spine. It was touch and go that weekend
but the guy's a fighter and pulled through. He is on as much bed rest that
you can limit a dog to. He can't walk right now, his back legs are still out
of service. But the vet was hopeful that with rest he might regain use of them.
The fucktard that hit him, didn't even stop. They had to have hit him on purpose
because of where he was at the time and he landed in a drainage ditch.
By the time Sister got out the door and crossed the front yard, the car was well
down the road. The had to know they hit him, he's no little dog! I hope they
meet up with Karma one day and she gives them hell for what they did.
The saddest part is that the poor boy doesn't understand why he can't wag
his tail. He looks at it like, "my wiggles is broken." He has only managed to
move it once since the accident.
So if you could spare Poe some good vibes, it would be deeply appreciated.
I was going to write about my word of the year and things of that nature too,
but I think I'll leave that for later this week.
Blessings to you and yours!
Of course, I could have done both...but ya know.
Yesterday was the Winter Solstice
I had the greatest intentions, but instead all I made was a batch of
dough for Kolachy.
Today, as I understand it, is the beginning of the Yule season.
I spent it trying to wrap up the last bits of Christmas prep.
We've whittled the festivities of the day down to gathering earlier in
the day to exchange gifts for just the kiddos. We have a light fare of
snacks and sandwiches. Which then leaves everyone to go off and
do their thing with extended family or just be with their own. And
then the littles get the rest of the day to have fun with their gifts.
I'll be tossing together a meal in the crockpot to cook whilst we
are exchanging gifts for us to have that evening. A new to me
recipe, but it sounds good and easy enough that I can't mess it up.
I'll try to remember to take pictures.
We're also keeping this christmas on the short side because Sister #3's
pupper was hit by a car a couple of weeks ago and is in the process of
recovering from a break in his spine. It was touch and go that weekend
but the guy's a fighter and pulled through. He is on as much bed rest that
you can limit a dog to. He can't walk right now, his back legs are still out
of service. But the vet was hopeful that with rest he might regain use of them.
The fucktard that hit him, didn't even stop. They had to have hit him on purpose
because of where he was at the time and he landed in a drainage ditch.
By the time Sister got out the door and crossed the front yard, the car was well
down the road. The had to know they hit him, he's no little dog! I hope they
meet up with Karma one day and she gives them hell for what they did.
The saddest part is that the poor boy doesn't understand why he can't wag
his tail. He looks at it like, "my wiggles is broken." He has only managed to
move it once since the accident.
So if you could spare Poe some good vibes, it would be deeply appreciated.
I was going to write about my word of the year and things of that nature too,
but I think I'll leave that for later this week.
Blessings to you and yours!
Monday, December 16, 2019
Where Did The Year Go?
Never mind the year!
Where did the decade go???
I'm having a hell of a time grasping that it is the end of another decade.
It just doesn't seem possible.
So much has changed in the last ten years.
So much is different.
I can't even say if anything is the same as it was.
If you would have told me ten years that I would find myself flying
2200 miles away from a life I was slowly drowning in because of a man
who slowly whittled away my self esteem and self worth. That I would find
the courage to pick myself and try to find myself. (I'm still working on the finding
myself. Lots of shit to unlearn and weed through.)
I would have told you that you were crazy as fuck!
But I did leave.
Much to my own surprise.
And I'm sure the surprise of others.
They probably have deemed me crazy because of it.
At the very least, they've been judging me ever since even if I haven't heard about it.
How could they not? It's what people do.
Well...now I'm at a point in my life where I say if that's what floats your boat, go for it.
Unless you've been in my shoes, you don't get to have a say really. But if you're going
to, I can't stop you.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around that Christmas is in 9 days.
The new year in 15/16 days.
I've never been good at that counting days until crap.
I guess it's NYE in 15 days?
Either way, I can't grasp it. It seems unreal.
It just doesn't seem possible.
But here we are.
Where did the decade go???
I'm having a hell of a time grasping that it is the end of another decade.
It just doesn't seem possible.
So much has changed in the last ten years.
So much is different.
I can't even say if anything is the same as it was.
If you would have told me ten years that I would find myself flying
2200 miles away from a life I was slowly drowning in because of a man
who slowly whittled away my self esteem and self worth. That I would find
the courage to pick myself and try to find myself. (I'm still working on the finding
myself. Lots of shit to unlearn and weed through.)
I would have told you that you were crazy as fuck!
But I did leave.
Much to my own surprise.
And I'm sure the surprise of others.
They probably have deemed me crazy because of it.
At the very least, they've been judging me ever since even if I haven't heard about it.
How could they not? It's what people do.
Well...now I'm at a point in my life where I say if that's what floats your boat, go for it.
Unless you've been in my shoes, you don't get to have a say really. But if you're going
to, I can't stop you.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around that Christmas is in 9 days.
The new year in 15/16 days.
I've never been good at that counting days until crap.
I guess it's NYE in 15 days?
Either way, I can't grasp it. It seems unreal.
It just doesn't seem possible.
But here we are.
Friday, December 6, 2019
December Reflections
Maybe it's a little too early to be doing a reflections type post.
I mean it is only the 6th after all.
But here I am doing it, and here it is.
Looking back somewhat over this year and realizing all the shit I didn't do
once again. The intentions were there, but they just didn't manifest the
way I had intended.
Take for example my idea to do 50 x 50. 50 paintings, by my 50th birthday.
When I was slapped with the inspiration stick to do that, I had about 88 days or
so to do it in. Then the next thing I knew, my birthday was around the corner and
I was behind before I even got started. Feels like an EPIC fail!
I intended to commit to writing more this year.
I intended to commit to painting and art journaling more this year.
I intended to commit to working more with my camera this year.
And some where in there, I intended to work through my yarn stash. Complete unfinished
projects. Use up the odd skein here and there. Also out the window was the Granny Square
a day thing. Or was that last year? I think that was last year. Maybe I was intending to revive
that this year? I dunno, but it didn't happen either.
I have personal pillows I was supposed to make for the littles. The material is still sitting
unopened! I have one that I was supposed to make (it's at least pinned) 8 years ago for someone who is now 16! I'm not sure she'll even want it now.
I intended to create everyday or near enough to everyday. AND..........that didn't happen either.
I feel like I have just plain failed all around.
AND why? WHY do I feel like that?
I'll tell you.
GUILT!
Yep, guilt.
I feel guilty for wanting to paint, write, crochet, (insert creative thing here).
I feel guilty for wanting to take the time to do the things.
I feel like if I do those things, people will get mad at me for doing them and not doing
something else or what they think I should be doing.
Then there is fear.
Fear of making crap.
Fear of writing crap.
Fear of making or writing something good.
Fear that others will get mad at me for doing the things I love.
And then, there is doubt.
Doubt that anything I make or do is good enough.
Whenever I set out to do a creative thing, I immediately begin to feel guilty for doing it.
The fear and doubt are always lingering there somewhere.
But it's that guilt....OH BOY!
It comes in like "Who the fuck do you think you are? Painting and shit. Or Writing and shit.
There's other things you should be doing." Not really, but you know how that goes.
And so I end up doing nothing because I get so overwhelmed by guilt, fear, and doubt.
I can't keep going on like that.
I want to have a creative life.
I want to paint and write, and do other things that make me happy.
So I really need to overcome this guilt shit.
One thing I'm thinking of is since I failed the 50x50, is to maybe do 50 in 50.
Do 50 paintings before I turn 51. It can be done, I mean I have like ten months. Right?
I want to try being more committed to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.
So I want to write more often than just April, July, and November.
Photography, well...part of that is I need to get out of my head in thinking I can't do anything
good with the lens I have. I have to learn to work with the one I've got.
With all of these things, I really need to get out of my own damn head and out of my own way.
I have to learn to make do with what I have and use what I have on hand.
I don't know if or when I'll ever have a "studio space". So I have to learn to make do with
my little corner in my bedroom dedicated to creating.
When I am in my space and in the zone, I'd really like to not have my bubble invaded but
I can't always have what I want. I have trouble with setting and keeping boundaries. Maybe if I can
invent a "studio time" where I am at the easel or at the art table, that I am not interrupted just for the sake of "whatcha doin'?"
I have to learn to carve out and set "studio time" and stick to it.
Unless I am going out during that time or have an appointment, or should happen to be under the weather, then the time would be rescheduled. Otherwise, I need to pick the time when I want to
do my art and go do it during that time segment.
This all sounds great in theory. It's the implementation that is tricky.
Cuz you know, feeling guilty and shit.
I think I have some more reflecting to do and some planning to do as well.
I need to figure out how to live this creative life I want so badly.
I mean it is only the 6th after all.
But here I am doing it, and here it is.
Looking back somewhat over this year and realizing all the shit I didn't do
once again. The intentions were there, but they just didn't manifest the
way I had intended.
Take for example my idea to do 50 x 50. 50 paintings, by my 50th birthday.
When I was slapped with the inspiration stick to do that, I had about 88 days or
so to do it in. Then the next thing I knew, my birthday was around the corner and
I was behind before I even got started. Feels like an EPIC fail!
I intended to commit to writing more this year.
I intended to commit to painting and art journaling more this year.
I intended to commit to working more with my camera this year.
And some where in there, I intended to work through my yarn stash. Complete unfinished
projects. Use up the odd skein here and there. Also out the window was the Granny Square
a day thing. Or was that last year? I think that was last year. Maybe I was intending to revive
that this year? I dunno, but it didn't happen either.
I have personal pillows I was supposed to make for the littles. The material is still sitting
unopened! I have one that I was supposed to make (it's at least pinned) 8 years ago for someone who is now 16! I'm not sure she'll even want it now.
I intended to create everyday or near enough to everyday. AND..........that didn't happen either.
I feel like I have just plain failed all around.
AND why? WHY do I feel like that?
I'll tell you.
GUILT!
Yep, guilt.
I feel guilty for wanting to paint, write, crochet, (insert creative thing here).
I feel guilty for wanting to take the time to do the things.
I feel like if I do those things, people will get mad at me for doing them and not doing
something else or what they think I should be doing.
Then there is fear.
Fear of making crap.
Fear of writing crap.
Fear of making or writing something good.
Fear that others will get mad at me for doing the things I love.
And then, there is doubt.
Doubt that anything I make or do is good enough.
Whenever I set out to do a creative thing, I immediately begin to feel guilty for doing it.
The fear and doubt are always lingering there somewhere.
But it's that guilt....OH BOY!
It comes in like "Who the fuck do you think you are? Painting and shit. Or Writing and shit.
There's other things you should be doing." Not really, but you know how that goes.
And so I end up doing nothing because I get so overwhelmed by guilt, fear, and doubt.
I can't keep going on like that.
I want to have a creative life.
I want to paint and write, and do other things that make me happy.
So I really need to overcome this guilt shit.
One thing I'm thinking of is since I failed the 50x50, is to maybe do 50 in 50.
Do 50 paintings before I turn 51. It can be done, I mean I have like ten months. Right?
I want to try being more committed to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.
So I want to write more often than just April, July, and November.
Photography, well...part of that is I need to get out of my head in thinking I can't do anything
good with the lens I have. I have to learn to work with the one I've got.
With all of these things, I really need to get out of my own damn head and out of my own way.
I have to learn to make do with what I have and use what I have on hand.
I don't know if or when I'll ever have a "studio space". So I have to learn to make do with
my little corner in my bedroom dedicated to creating.
When I am in my space and in the zone, I'd really like to not have my bubble invaded but
I can't always have what I want. I have trouble with setting and keeping boundaries. Maybe if I can
invent a "studio time" where I am at the easel or at the art table, that I am not interrupted just for the sake of "whatcha doin'?"
I have to learn to carve out and set "studio time" and stick to it.
Unless I am going out during that time or have an appointment, or should happen to be under the weather, then the time would be rescheduled. Otherwise, I need to pick the time when I want to
do my art and go do it during that time segment.
This all sounds great in theory. It's the implementation that is tricky.
Cuz you know, feeling guilty and shit.
I think I have some more reflecting to do and some planning to do as well.
I need to figure out how to live this creative life I want so badly.
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Hello December!
So
December is here.
AND
We are FINALLY getting the snow we've bee promised.
Fourth storm is the charm I guess.
We've got about almost 2 inches and counting I'd say.
The magpies are visiting still.
One is up on what's left of the fallen tree eating the suet, while that other is coming in for a landing. There's about
6 or 8 of them out there rotating. Funny how they won't share the spot.
The snow is also falling again. We could possibly see up to
six inches they say. But, I will believe that when I see it,
Family gathering went well.
It was a peaceful gathering, which was a good thing.
Food was good.
Even the kids did well, until almost the end. But they were getting tired and it was expected.
In other news....
I pushed really hard on Friday to write as much as I could.
I really wanted to breathe yesterday, and not have to worry about writing if I could avoid it.
I knew I would be totally wiped out after everyone finally went home. My body was aching all over by they time every thing was cleaned up, put away, and everyone gone home.
I only needed 4822 words. So I pushed hard all day on Friday to reach it. And I made it!
Ended NaNo this year with 50483 words.
Neither story is near done. The fantasy one is just barely getting started.
But I won my 3rd NaNo, my 14th year of doing it.
Going to take today to recuperate from yesterday.
Drink tea, eat left overs.
And enjoy watching the magpies and the snow.
Happy First Day of December!
December is here.
AND
We are FINALLY getting the snow we've bee promised.
Fourth storm is the charm I guess.
We've got about almost 2 inches and counting I'd say.
The magpies are visiting still.
One is up on what's left of the fallen tree eating the suet, while that other is coming in for a landing. There's about
6 or 8 of them out there rotating. Funny how they won't share the spot.
The snow is also falling again. We could possibly see up to
six inches they say. But, I will believe that when I see it,
Family gathering went well.
It was a peaceful gathering, which was a good thing.
Food was good.
Even the kids did well, until almost the end. But they were getting tired and it was expected.
In other news....
I pushed really hard on Friday to write as much as I could.
I really wanted to breathe yesterday, and not have to worry about writing if I could avoid it.
I knew I would be totally wiped out after everyone finally went home. My body was aching all over by they time every thing was cleaned up, put away, and everyone gone home.
I only needed 4822 words. So I pushed hard all day on Friday to reach it. And I made it!
Ended NaNo this year with 50483 words.
Neither story is near done. The fantasy one is just barely getting started.
But I won my 3rd NaNo, my 14th year of doing it.
Going to take today to recuperate from yesterday.
Drink tea, eat left overs.
And enjoy watching the magpies and the snow.
Happy First Day of December!
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