Broken

This last week has been brutal.

I have been trying to push through it all.  Keep going, don't let it all get you down.

But I feel like I have been hit by a train.  Every morning for almost two weeks now starts out
with me feeling sore and stiff.    I don't know how successful I am at hiding how crappy I really
feel.  People don't want to hear it, ya know.

Today is now day four of the headache that won't go away.  I've been taking Advil migraine and it only just takes the edge off but doesn't make it go away.  And it hardly touches the other pains that run down my entire back.

I think most of it my body reacting to the events of the last couple of weeks.  Some of it is probably weather related.  We've had several overcast days and FINALLY had our first real rain since June.


I was just  reading an article that was shared on twitter about chronic pain.  And one of the points in the article is that doctors just don't want to deal with it.  I think that is what my doctor is doing.  I don't think he knows enough about Fibro to want to diagnose me and so he just leaves it as chronic pain and dismisses me like I don't know anything.  He's a PA, not an MD.  But I still thought they had to keep up with things and learn about the stuff their patients might get or have.  And if you don't know, then FFS refer them to someone who does.

An example is S has asthma.  He has inquired a couple of times about getting put on a different inhaler.  The PA says he isn't comfortable about prescribing it because he doesn't know enough about it.  Well shouldn't you be making an effort then to learn so you can help your patients?  Why would it be okay to keep them on something that is only partially helping?


I don't want to take the meds that would be prescribed for pain or Fibro.  I don't want to get hooked on anything and the side effects that they cause are too great a risk for me to take.  Not to mention the number of people that have said they felt worse taking the medications.  And that getting off them was another kind of hell.


I just feel like the events of recent have broke me.

Rabbit, Rabbit! Welcome October!

I can hardly even believe that it is October 1st! That we are now in the last three months of 2018.
Where on earth did the time go???

October means Preptober for NaNoWriMo.  I've never really participated in a Preptober, let alone really plan what I intend to write in November.  At this point, I still don't have a clue.  Just fleeting bits of ideas that escape me before I can nail them down.  So either it's not time for those ideas yet or I just need to start actually jotting stuff down as they pop into my head whether they are shitty or not.

I feel like October is the official start to the holiday season.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas/Yule.  The weather here  has definitely had a Fall vibe the last  couple of  weeks.  And looking ahead according to the NWS, the next 6-10 days are going to be cooler and wetter.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.....................It's my birthday month!

Maybe I should have led with that?  LOL!   I'm usually not one to get all "YAY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"  I'd just as soon as let it slip by quietly.  But I'm turning 49 this year.  49 is the age my uncle (my father's brother) was when he died.  I also realized that my grandmother turned 49 just days after I was born.  My mother was approximately 49 when she threw my dad out for the last time. My dad was 49 when I moved away to Florida.

I have another post somewhere about how ominous 49 feels. And for the life of me, I cannot find it!  Maybe it was a comment I made on someone else's post last year? I dunno, but I swear I had a blog post about it.

I don't know if OMINOUS is the right word.  I guess maybe it feels like an ending on the road to a new beginning?  That maybe as I go through 49 it will lead to some great and amazing things.  That maybe I can and will get some closure on the past.



I was going to wait for another post, but I think I will just go ahead and write it here, now.  All this stuff the last few days with Dr. Ford has really opened up wounds that I thought healed but were actually perhaps just scabbed over.  I have felt so raw and wounded.  So angry and defensive.

Then there was the thing about going on a social media blackout going around and turning your profile photo to a black square for several hours. I couldn't do it, not that. To me, it was like just one more way for them to silence us, to make us hide, to make us  disappear. It was just one more way for them to target us.

And in the days before that, the posts about enablers.  The people that allowed the abuse to happen and did nothing to help.  Or those people that you went to in confidence and they didn't believe you, saying you must have it wrong, that they wouldn't do that. That you misunderstood.

I started thinking about how I get so hung up on loved ones that have passed and how they were the enables or the abuser.  How I've now forgiven them for what they have done.  But, are they worthy of my grief?  Are they still worthy of my love?  The love I gave without  question.  I feel like by me still venerating them, I am being dishonest with myself and subjecting myself to the abuse that happened years ago.   How do I reconcile that?  How do I allow myself to feel for those still living, whom I cried out to for help and dismissed me with the attitude of "You Made Your Bed".  When I was weak and vulnerable and scared and hurting, and I found the courage to ask for help and I was ignored, dismissed, the subject changed.

This is what I am struggling with right now.