Oh HAI! Remember Me?

Well there I go again, disappearing from the blogosphere for almost 3 months.
I didn't mean to.  It just...happens.

Since I've last written, I've lost 5 lbs, gained it back, and lost it again. I'm 
currently seeing a nutritionist at my doctor's office once a month. I go in again
to see her next week to see where I'm at.  She wants me to try to reduce my carb
intake, keep my calorie count at about 1200.  Eat more nutrient dense foods. 
Ditch the soda and sweets. I'm trying.  I'm managing to keep my soda down to a
half of a 16 or 20 oz. bottle. Some days I don't even drink any. I haven't even
wanted any sweets like cake or cookies or ice cream.  
Yet, I feel guilty for wanting to make better food choices and eat better. Food 
prices are getting higher and higher.  It's cheaper to eat crap food, but it's not 
good for me. I've been noticing how certain foods make me feel like crap too, 
something I didn't really pay much attention to before.

Finally got the results of my cortisol test explained. I have adrenal dysfunction.
I'm stuck in "Fight or Flight" mode.  They've added PS and fish oil to my daily
meds. She won't go so far as to diagnose me with PTSD.  She said that due
to my history I have it, but she doesn't want to put that label on me if she can help it.
And I understand her reasoning, I'm just glad she confirmed what I suspected. It
makes me feel a little less like it's all in me head.  People in my past have been 
real good at telling me it's all in my head or that wasn't that bad or that I was
making something out of nothing. You know how it goes.

I'm insulin resistant so I'm on Metformin.  We dropped the estrogen because
it was causing me to bleed. But my cycles are so crazy now, I don't know what it's 
doing.

There was a question of whether or not I had high blood pressure, because when I 
go in it's always so high. But when I monitor it at home it's "normal". But a visit to
the eye doctor answered that question.  They have this really cool camera that takes
a picture of the inside of your eyes. It was so amazing to see the inside of my eyes.
It's like there is a nebula or galaxy in there. He pointed out all the veins and arteries, 
muscles and nerves, even my floaters.  Two things it clearly shows is that I do not
have high blood pressure and there currently isn't any sign of diabetes.  I do have the
very beginning of a cataract in my right eye. But it's just a tiny spot and they can't do
anything about it right now.

I've been giving yoga a try.  I was doing okay for a couple of months, doing it twice
a week most weeks. But this month I have fallen off the yoga wagon. Between the 
pelvic pain and fibro pain, I've been so hesitant to even try. I feel like crap for not doing
it.  I don't know if it was helping any, but I was enjoying it even if I can't do it well.  
My flexibility sucks.  There are also moves that my nutritionist has told me is off limits.
She doesn't even want me to attempt them. And if there is a move I try that causes me
pain, I'm to not do it either.  Like Downward Dog and Cobra poses are not to be done
at all.  Some things she will allow me to do so long as I modify them and use props.

I guess when I chose SACRED/SOVEREIGNTY, I didn't expect to get such lessons
in how hard it is to choose one's self.  I've always found self care difficult. But now, I 
don't really have a choice.  I have to choose me.  It's hard, it is so fucking hard! 
People have a way of making you feel guilty for it whether they mean to or not,
whether they do it knowingly or not. I have a hard enough time not guilt tripping myself,
I don't need outside help to do it.

I think that's it for now.
I feel like there's more, but I just can't think of it.
I'll try not to stay away for so long.  
Stay safe out there.