Trying to be patient. Trying not to feel like the proverbial other shoe is going to drop.
I had not heard anything for almost three weeks. But got an email yesterday stating that the final papers were accepted and just waiting now for them to be signed. So this is really happening?! It doesn't feel real. Not yet at least.
Then I got a call from my doctor's office that my pre-authorization is about to expire and what did I want to do. The nurse wasn't clear on what all the notes in my file from the billing manager were about. So I had to explain it all to her and she literally groaned over the mess.
Since that has all been on the back burner, I hadn't really thought about going through with it. I've ponder, however, what if I don't do it. What if I just live with it? I mean, I'm functioning with the pain. It's not a keep me in bed for days kind of pain. It's just feels like constant period pain, some days are more intense than others. Sometimes it will catch me off guard if I move wrong or sneeze or cough. But I can live with it, can't I? It's true that OTC pain relief doesn't hardly touch it. But I can still function. Or am I only deluding myself because I'm afraid to go through with it? I don't know. I just don't know.
Insurance stuff is still at a stand still too. They won't give me any information. Nor will they give it to my doctor's office. Some how I think that is illegal. They won't talk to me because I'm not the primary. And they won't talk to her without the ID numbers. He said he will drop me from his insurance as soon as things are finalized. But I shouldn't have been on it in the first place! I did not consent. Nor did I sign anything!! It's just fucked up. And a big mess! It shouldn't even be happening, but it is. And I feel powerless.
People keep asking me why has it taken so long to do the divorce. Why did he wait so long? Or why did I? I didn't have the money. I didn't know how long I had to wait to file in my state. Legal Aide wouldn't help me. I asked for a divorce several times before I even left and he refused. He knew for a long time, even before I left that it was what I wanted. I had heard on more than one occasion from mutuals that he was filing then he wasn't. Then he was, then he wasn't. I heard that a few times over the last few years. It was like a carrot being dangle to perhaps get my hopes up. I honestly don't know. I stopped trying to figure it out. Even the lawyers and Legal Aide that I consulted with asked me this. I had no answers. I don't understand why it even matters.
I know that there are plenty of people who separated and never divorced. The majority was amicable and something that both parties were okay with. My own parents are an example of a couple who separated but never divorced. Though neither of them could have afforded to file. And my dad always held out a faint hope of them getting back together. It never happened though.
It is not a question that should be asked of abuse survivors either. You don't know the hows or the whys of the things. You don't know what you could be triggering by asking such questions. Or by making the victim feel like they have done something wrong by not filing. You just don't know so stop fucking judging!!! Yes you can hear the judgmental tone when they ask.
So that's the gist of things at the moment. Still waiting.
