Old Habits, Die Hard

Isn't that the saying?
If not, I'm sure it's close.

I find myself doing it again.
Falling back into old patterns.
Listening to the same old excuses in my head
telling my why I can't or shouldn't do a thing.

Forget the painting, you suck.
Forget it, the paint isn't cooperating.
Oh look, you messed up that spot.....AGAIN.
Ha, you've had that tube so long the paint's
almost too old to use. (Nevermind that I've
had issues with this brand before on a brand
new tube...but those gremlins........ya know)

Or, well if you haven't completed a book by now,
goodness knows you never will.
How many of these "stories" have you started and
abandoned?  You suck you know.
That one site says your blog posts are like it was
written by a 7th grader.  What happened to that
college level writing you used to do?  Yep, you suck!

Or now the new additions about photography.
How all my pictures suck.
How almost all of them have some sort of
"shake" in them.
Or how I only have one lens and will probably
never have enough to be even close to good.

Oh.My.Gods.......do they ever shut the fuck up?!

I finally watched "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel
Pie Society" movie last night.  One, I immediately loved
it the moment I saw five people from Downton Abbey
in it.  I knew "Rose" and "Isobel" and "Henry" were in it.
But why I saw "Sybil"...that cinched it for me.
What I didn't realize, was that the main character "Juliette"
was an author and that it was partly a "writing movie".

This is going on my list of movies to watch again and again.
Right up there with "Julie and Julia" and "Eat, Pray, Love".
But I need more.  I need more inspiration movies like this.

Once again, while watching Potato Peel, I found myself
thinking about my love of words and writing.  I found myself
longing for a typewriter.....again.

I started thinking about how I got one for Christmas when I was
a kid.  I remember going into a store called Darlings.  They were
a neighborhood store that sold toys and baby stuff like cribs and
such.  It was blue and white. It was a fully functioning toy
typewriter.  I remember my mother buying and saying
something like I'd have to wait until Christmas for it.
I'm not entirely sure I realized it was for me or understood why she
bought it with me there.
But I was just as excited when I unwrapped it a few days later.

I don't know what happened to that.  I don't recall it being thrown
away or breaking.  My next typewriter was a big heavy lug of a
thing that "HE" brought home from his office.  I used it for college
reports and the like.  I was supposed to be his office secretary, when
he moved the office to the apartment.  I don't know what happened to
that one either.
I can't say that I  had another after that one.  Or at least, I don't
remember having one.  I've always wanted another though.
While electric is great, the idea of a manual is so romantic.  I might have
to keep my eyes open for ones at a thrift store or yard sale.

All I know is I used to be like most kids...artistic in that I always wanted
to color and I always wanted to use the cheap try of kiddy watercolor paints.
I was always told I was doing it wrong or ruining it, whether the crayons, the
paints, or the coloring books.  After awhile, you just stop wanting it.

I've always been interested in the camera.  But once again, it was one of
those things that my mother was sure I'd ruin so I wasn't permitted to
use her little 110 Kodak.

And writing.........once I found a love for reading, I wanted to write.
I wanted to be Laura Ingalls or V.C. Andrews.  Goodness knows how
many stories I abandoned as a kid. How many "It was a dark and stormy
night" I left unfinished or barely started.

The very first story I think tried to write was something like "Letters From
My Sister".  I fantasized about receiving letters from her after I found out
she existed.  I my mind, I named her Barbara for some reason.  I don't think
I got very far with that story.  I didn't know what a 22 year old would write
a 12 year old.

I think I am doing a hair better fighting the art demons.
I went to the canvas yesterday and picked up the brush despite the voices.
I am already finding myself thinking about NaNo in November, wondering
if it is too early to start preparing for it.
And, I have been actively looking into learning how use the lens that I have
so I can get good photos out of it.

I saw something earlier that said something like "If you can't walk away
from writing, then you ARE a writer."

Well then........
I can't put the brush down.
I can't put the pen down.
I can't put the camera down.

So I guess that makes me all those things I dream of.