I guess I didn't realize that the coming full moon is also going to be a super moon and an equinox moon to boot. OY VEY!!!
So here I am, still struggling with emotions and thoughts. Keeping things hidden and close to the vest because I really can't talk about how I am feeling. The last time I tried to do that I was told I was "over reacting". So, eh, why bother trying.
I guess I wouldn't be feeling this way so deeply if things didn't play out as they did. I mean we'd been talking about going and doing two particular things for a couple of weeks now, just waiting for a nicer day. Now, both things were done with others and I was even asked if I would like to go. At least ask me. I know they don't like when I am around, but when you know these are things I like to do. Yeah I know, I can go another time. Blah Blah Blah. But it's just the fact when you have been talking about it with a person and then they go off and do said things with others and the others don't care much to have you tag along........well.........yeah. It would just be nice to be asked.
I know I am probably making a HUGE deal out of nothing. It's just triggers that set other thoughts and emotions into motion.
But this is where I wish I had my independence. Once upon a time, in another life I didn't have to wait on people. If I wanted to go some where I went. Now I have to wait on others and then I hate to even ask if I can go some place because I feel guilty for asking or even wanting to go.
Today, I even considered asking to be dropped off at shops local to where they are going so that I can wander and browse on my own. Maybe sit at Starbuck's over in Target sipping a chai until they are done. But I know do that, the others will not be pleased because they'll assume I'm there to "tag along".
UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I just need to stop. FUCK IT! No matter which way I slice and dice this shit it's not going to change. I'll always be the outsider and only wanted when it's a matter of convenience.
I feel like I have to speak vaguely, even now....still....in this space here.
As much as I like living rural, I wish there was at least a bus that came out this way that I could take into town when ever I wanted.
Guess I should try real hard to focus on redirecting my thoughts and feelings onto other things. Maybe I could try coming up with more art corner ideas instead.
Sounds like you're in a really tough situation. Be gentle with yourself because everything around you is already tough enough.
ReplyDeleteI think it's only tough for me because I live in the middle of nowhere. Farm land, cows, goats. I do love the country, but there are times....like now where there are things I just want to do and can't. And being dependent on others gets frustrating. The feeling will pass, it always does. Just right now, it's kicking my butt.
DeleteI understand your feelings. I grew up in a rural area. In those days, though, it was safer and I was able to get around by hitching a ride. Wouldn't do that now....which is why I would not want to live in a rural area again. Like you, I don't drive and hate having to depend on others to take me where I need to go. As for others not wanting you around, I've gone through that with hubby's family. They were awful to me. Used to speak only Spanish when I was around or leave messages on the answering machine hubby bought for ME in Spanish. Or they'd send invites to events only addressed to him. I used to really let it get me, but since then I have learned to let it go. The hell with them. They are the losers not me. But I am luckier than you because I have buses to take me wherever I want to go. I do hope things get better for you. Take care and chin up. Don't rent them space in your head.
ReplyDeleteMary, my ex's family used to do that. Talk in Spanish around me, refuse to acknowledge I was now an aunt to the nieces and nephews. I was always "her" or just "his wife". I had no identity. When my grandma came to live with us, and they pulled that crap she would turn around and start talking to me in Polish even though I didn't understand much. She was trying to make a point that they failed to grasp.
DeleteI do love living in the rural area surround by land and cows and goats (even though they're the neighbors), having chickens (even if we are down to 1 right now LOL). I just get frustrated and this time around it's just kicking ass. My problem is I keep trying to find acceptance and validation from others. I need to learn that the only acceptance and validation that matters is that in and of myself. It's hard when you've never been enough for people your whole life. And it sucks. I'll get through it.
Thanks both you and Debra for listening <3 <3 <3