How Is It The End Of March?

My goodness!
Time sure flies!
Here it is almost the end of March.
One quarter of the year gone.


April is shaping up to be a good busy for me.
IF I can just get out of my own way and do the work.
IF I can just turn off the "you shouldn'ts"
And the "you can'ts". 
IF I just stop worrying about what others will think
Or say.

April 1st is Camp NaNoWriMo.
I've set a goal of 16,500 words or 550 words a day.
Some days a good blog post is that many words,
So hopefully I can make or exceed the goals.

April 1st is also Blog Along With Effy  Month.
So every day I will be writing a blog post for the
Whole month.

Then on April 2nd begins The 100 Days Project.
The goal is to make, create, write, some sort of project.
Every day for 100 days.  And post to Instagram.
I have yet to complete a 100 days project.  But, like
NaNo, I try try again every year.
I still don't know what I will be doing.  I better get on that.

There is also a call for April 1st to
Begin a "Capture Your 365".
This is where every day you take a photo and post it.
Can be on Facebook, Instagram, probably even Twitter.
Each month has a theme laid out that you can follow.
The goal is to get you working with you camera.

There might be a couple of other things in there
Like some video/interview  series I have signed up for.
That hopefully I actually watch this time, instead of
Putting them on the back burner and then forget about them.

It would probably also be a good time for me to catch up
On my Lifebook lessons, since April is a break month.

My biggest gripe right now besides the gremlims telling
Me what I can't/shouldn't do. 
Is that I am not really happy with my "art space".  And
I don't know what to do with it. I turned the table a different
Direction because I thought that would help but still
It feels meh.
I think the table takes up too much of my space in the corner.
I wish I could have it in front of the window but it's
Too wide for the area.
And then of course cats!  As it is, they will lay and
Spread out on the table if I don't keep it cluttered.
Even still, they will make a spot and curl up anyway lol.
Guess that might be my project for the weekend.
Find a happy balance with the table until I can make
The space I want.

Have a great weekend!!!

Update

Keep up the vibes. They are working.

Grasshopper is improving.  Momma was finally able to hold her.
AND nurse her!!  If things keep going well they will be removing the
feeding tube soon. 

She still has to remain most of the time under UV lights to prevent her
from developing jaundice. So that limits the amount of time Momma and
Daddy can hold her to just 30 minutes.  This ward is super strict in ways
that seem unheard of to me. But then, I've never experienced this so
I really don't know. 

No word yet on when she can come home.

Yesterday

It was an emotional day yesterday.

I watched as a woman had her greatest wish and her biggest fear happen at the same time.

Sister #2 gave birth yesterday to a beautiful baby girl.  For the safety of baby and momma this was a planned early c-section as momma could not by any means have gone into labor. So baby had to come out at 36 weeks. 

Before momma could even hold the wee lass, she had to be whisked off to the NICU for breathing issues.  They got her stabilized in every other way but her breathing.  By the time I saw her she was breathing like she had run a little marathon.  And she was trying to cry or whimper, I'm not sure which.  I've never seen a baby hooked up to so many things like she was.

By noon they came in to say that the breathing wasn't improving like they had hoped so she had to go by Life Flight Ambulance to a level 3 NICU for extra support.  An hour later they wheeled in a gurney that was loaded with the incubator and various equipment.  I've never seen such a thing.  They allowed momma moment to reach in and say goodbye to her little miracle. 

It broke my heart to see them separated like this.  But there was nothing any of us could do.

We were assured that everything else was fine. She just needed some extra help and a particular type of medicine to help her little lungs.  Something that this hospital just didn't have.  They were sure she would be off the vent within 24 hours or less even.  I haven't heard an update yet today on how she is doing.  But no news is good news they say.

Momma summed it well it was like a bad episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Well, maybe not an episode but definitely a bad scene.

I've never been through anything like this nor have I witnessed.  I was empty for words to say.  I couldn't promise what I didn't know.  So all I could do was just be there, along with everyone else. Feeling helpless.

So if I might tug on the threads the bind us all together, could I ask you to say a prayer or make a wish, maybe light a candle that all will be well.  That momma can hold her greatest wish soon and take her home.

Thank you and many blessings.

More Revelations

Maybe it's something to do with me turning 50 this year.
Maybe it's something to do with the roller coaster of last week.
I don't know.  But I feel like things are no becoming clearer per se.
Just present maybe?

I think I narrowed my dig deeper list down to two.  I haven't excavated yet.

I feel like I have been dreaming of old Gothic style churches, but I can't remember
anything about the dreams.  I feel like I may have even been dreaming about
Mary Magdalene, but yet again I can't remember anything.

Here is what I think I might know.

I don't paint because I am afraid.
I am afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop.
I am afraid that others won't like what I paint.
I've already been told that my painted faces are "creepy" because someone
feels like the eyes are watching them.  Even though there isn't anything creepy
about the eyes in general.  All the teachers I admire all paint faces that I would
like to master...Willowing, Effy, Shiloh Sophia. I would love to master and learn
to create my own style. 
But, I am afraid to because of the criticism of others.  Because I might not be able
to stop if I started.

I am afraid to write because what if the words won't come.
What if it is all terrible? 
What if I write my truth and people think I am a liar?
What if I fail?
I am afraid of what I will unearth if I let myself write.
There is so much I can't remember, that I have buried.
I don't know if I want to be a published writer any more.
But yet I am a little jealous of a friend who just signed a contract.
I am afraid that my words don't matter
That they aren't good enough.
or what if they are enough and someone steals them?

I am afraid to follow a sacred path.
I hear the call, but am afraid to answer.
I am afraid of the criticism and teasing.
I am afraid of being mocked.
I am afraid if I answer of where the road would lead me.

I am afraid to take back my name as much as I want to.
I have no claim to my married name.  I never felt it was who I am/was.
I thought if I took, I would feel connected to something. But I didn't.
I am afraid that taking back my given name is going backwards.
Do I really have a claim to it?
Do I really have a sense of connection with it?
Are all the connections negative?
If I don't take back my given name, what name do I take?
If I do take it back, what does that look like?
How do I change the narrative?
How do I change the story?
The positive is there is only one of me.  If you were to look up my
given name, there is only one and it is me.  No one else. I am unique
And I like that. 
When I got married and took his name, I thought it would change something.
But it didn't.  It wasn't this magical thing I naively thought it would change everything.
I was still invisible. I was still.........   I am still invisible. 

Maybe I am digging deeper without realizing it. 
Maybe this is what it coming
through subconsciously from the dreams I can't remember.

What I do know is this
The fear is heavy
The fear is a burden
A burden I am tired of carrying
I am tired of the negative attached to my given name.
I feel like it is mine and not mine at the same time.
I am tired of not creating. Be it art or writing.
I am tired of not heeding the call.

I am afraid of the unknown. 
But I think I am more afraid of not knowing what's at the end of that journey.

Wants And Dreams

It is no surprise that with the full moon comes odd and weird dreams.  Most of which I can't even remember. 

The only thing that is really standing out is that I was having a heated discussion with someone about my beliefs.  And at some point I screamed at them "I am a witch".  Which I don't necessarily identify as completely, I'd say I have more Pagan leanings. I think these days I am more interested in Druidry or more so lately my ancestral magic.  Like what sort of magic and divination did my ancestors practice? What gods/goddesses did they invoke before Christianity took over? 

But before I disappear down that rabbit hole, back to the vague memory of the dream.  Well whoever I was debating with said my witch claim  wouldn't go over well with a group of others that I don't know who.  After a few more moments of exchanging words I blurted out, "well then, tell them I am Catholic. It's kind of the same thing anyway."  I got the impression that the party I was talking with rolled their eyes and so I then said "well then say I'm a Catholic Witch!"  Then I woke up. 

I have no idea who I was having this talk with, nor do I know who wanted to know what or who I believe it.  I think subconsciously, my mind is still on a conversation I had with my cousin about something along this line.  There were some posts going around about St. Patrick and how he shouldn't be celebrated and what not.  How he was a murdered and not even Irish.  There was a couple I wanted to share on Facebook, but decided against it because of potential backlash.  She mentioned to me how she felt the same about sharing and opting not to.  We got to  talking about the difficulty sometimes in trying to explain our beliefs and how or why we stepped away from the church.  In our conversation I said I was thinking for me it would just be easier to say I'm Catholic and be done with it.  After the church claims the "once a Catholic, always a Catholic" line.  While she didn't disagree, she also didn't agree with my thought process on this.

On the one hand, I've always marveled at the Mass with it's incense and incantations/prayers.  I remember the stories by my Grandma about how the Blessed Mother protected them during the war and so many other times She had seen her through difficult times. But then I have difficulty at how we are supposed to just accept and follow the priests without question.  That only they know the thoughts of God.  That as a lay person we couldn't possibly know.  And I can't justify the whole God's will and all that.  I can't wrap my head around how any divine being would be okay with the shit going on in the world and not just current events.  But that's a different rabbit hole to delve into at a later time perhaps.

I think I want to try and learn more about my ancestral magic. Who were their deities? What kind of magic did they practice? Divination practices?  What did their wheel of the year maybe look like?  My heritage to my knowledge is Polish and Ukrainian.  But I don't even know where to start looking.

I don't know if the dream even meant anything.  Or if I'm just looking for something that isn't there.

Now the list.  I worked on the list that I mentioned yesterday. I came up with eleven things so far.  A couple I'm sure can be combined into one and most can be interwoven in some way or another.  And all can be linked to each other in some way.  I haven't yet chosen one to  dig deeper into.  I think I will leave that for tomorrow. 

I think in part, I am still working through  giving myself permission to want.  Let's say for example my desire to write.  I have wanted to and have tried to write since I was about 12 years old.  But I was always afraid of being discovered.  I felt I had to keep it secret.  After when the not yet Ex found out I wanted to write, he would make jokes about it and ask me if I was published yet or how close was I to finished. Then it turned into him telling me what I should write.  I think he felt that because he bought me a laptop that he was being supportive but that it  also gave him the right to criticize and try to control my writing. 

Here I am 14 years later and I'm no closer to having a completed book or even near having something to publish.  I have mixed feelings about publishing now.  It used to be a  dream or at least I thought it was. But now, I think I'd more just like to have written something from start to finish. 

Maybe writing should be the one I dig deeper on.  It was my first passion, before art and photography.  Maybe if I dig into it, excavate the layers, I'll be able to find out why it is so important to me. Find out why I want it so badly, or at least I did. Do I still?

And The A-Ha! Moments Continue

As I said the other day, I believe I turned a corner in some of things I was feeling.  Where things didn't feel as overwhelming.  The gremlins seem to be returning to their caves and cages for now, still rumbling though not as loudly.  More like a loud whisper, just so I don't forget they are there.

Today being the Spring Equinox and a Full Moon.........and a Super Moon, I had thought I might like to do something to honor it.  Go outside, wander to the end of the property, and then I dunno I didn't think it through that far.  The weather is definitely Spring like in that we've had highs of 60's for a few days now. Which has put me into allergy meds season.  But anywho........I was thinking I might do some sort of ritual be it actual or just something verbal. 

And I still might try, but I just hurt so darn bad right now.  Pain flare between my shoulders, enough to send me to lay with the heating pad, which turned into an unexpected nap. It was a restless nap though and did not feel any better when I finally pulled myself out of the bed.  So maybe I won't walk out to the end of the property and maybe I'll just sit out and absorb some of the moonlight when She rises.

Now about the A-Ha! moments.  So today, one of my art teachers and a woman I deeply admire did a FB live today in which she talking about wanting things.  And how it is okay to want your wants.  It was a "Wait, what? I can want things and it's okay?" moment.  I have probably talked  quite a bit about some of my wants on the blog here.

But here in comes my dilemma.  I feel utterly and totally guilty for wanting and for even wanting to want something. The narrative of my life has been that if I want something I either didn't deserve what it was, I was selfish for wanting it, I wasn't worthy of having it, and so on and so on.  I have felt, all my life, like I have needed permission to want something.  Then even if I had permission to want it, I didn't have permission to have it.

I have to learn to let go guilt over wanting things.  I have to learn to give myself permission to want things and permission to even have or receive the things I want.  Then I have to learn to allow myself to persue those things.

She suggests making a list of things you want, then to pick one thing off the list and dig deeper.  Why do you want it? What would having it mean to me, do for me? What does my want look like? It's something I was planning to sit with over the next day or so and see what I come up with.



Blessed Ostara, Full Super Moon Blessings, and Happy Spring!!!

The Worst Might Be Over

I'm actually writing this a few hours later, but setting it to post the next day.

I think perhaps I have begun to get past the worst of the feelings and thoughts.  I had some coffee. Then I had some more.....because COFFEE!   I'm not going to say I'm over shit because triggers are real, but I do feel a little more settled than when I posted.

I started the corned beef in the crock pot along with some vegetables.   Then made some Irish Soda Bread Muffins.  Found the recipe via Google which directed me to the King Arthur's Flour site.  I didn't have all the raisins it called for which was a bummer because I do love my raisins in breads and cakes.  Did the small amount of dishes and then cleaned up my baking mess and did those as well.

As I was replying to Mary's comment on the previous post, I had a light bulb moment as they say.  I realized that I have spent pretty much my entire life looking for validation and acceptance from and by others.  From my mother to my grandmother(s) to extended family to friends or more those who pretended to be friends as long as I had something to offer them.  On into my marriage with my ex's family.

His nieces and nephews never accepted or acknowledge me as their aunt and passed the same belief onto their own children.  Perhaps it was because I was close in age to his nieces and nephews, I don't know.  I can remember my youngest tell her cousins that they needed to call me Aunt, and them replying they didn't have to because I wasn't.  She went on to tell them why they did and they argued back that they didn't.  He was their Uncle because their parents said so. But the logic that I was married to him, thereby making me the Aunt was not truth as far as they were concerned.  My girls could not fathom this and it was hard to explain to them why the kids thought this when I myself really didn't understand the logic.  In the end I told them to just drop it because they wouldn't be able to change their cousins minds.

The ex's siblings had no problem excluding me by talking in Spanish knowing full well I didn't understand.  And then laughing and making jokes about the fact.  My grandma tried to turn the tables once but speaking to me in Polish when the sister was around, but the lesson was lost on her.  They just didn't get it.  It wasn't until a year or two before I left that I just said I'm done with this shit and stopped going on visits and participating when they came over. 

So I wrote all that to say I am still looking for that validation and acceptance from others.  I keep looking for others to tell me that I am enough, that I am worthy, that I am (fill in the blank). But learning and accepting the fact that those things can only come from within is a hard lesson.  I need to learn to be gentle with myself and how to love myself and discover my own self worth.  My validation of myself should be the most important.  Realizing this is the first step.  I know the road forward will be paved with missteps and falls but that's part of life.

Thanks for "listening". 

Still Struggling With The Feelings

I guess I didn't realize that the coming full moon is also going to be a super moon and an equinox moon to boot.  OY VEY!!!

So here I am, still struggling with emotions and thoughts.  Keeping things hidden and close to the vest because I really can't talk about how I am feeling.  The last time I tried to do that I was told I was "over reacting".  So, eh, why bother trying.

I guess I wouldn't be feeling this way so deeply if things didn't play out as they did.  I mean we'd been talking about going and doing two particular things for a couple of weeks now, just waiting for a nicer day.  Now, both things were done with others and I was even asked if I would like to go.  At least ask me.  I know they don't like when I am around, but when you know these are things I like to do.  Yeah I know, I can go another time.  Blah Blah Blah.  But it's just the fact when you have been talking about it with a person and then they go off and do said things with others and the others don't care much to have you tag along........well.........yeah.  It would just be nice to be asked. 

I know I am probably making a HUGE deal out of nothing.  It's just triggers that set other thoughts and emotions into motion.

But this is where I wish I had my independence.  Once upon a time, in another life I didn't have to wait on people.  If I wanted to go some where I went.  Now I have to wait on others and then I hate to even ask if I can go some place because I feel guilty for asking or even wanting to go.

Today, I even considered asking to be dropped off at shops local to where they are going so that I can wander and browse on my own.  Maybe sit at Starbuck's over in Target sipping a chai until they are done.  But I know do that, the others will not be pleased because they'll assume I'm there to "tag along".

UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I just need to stop.  FUCK IT!  No matter which way I slice and dice this shit it's not going to change.  I'll always be the outsider and only wanted when it's a matter of convenience.


I feel like I have to speak vaguely, even now....still....in this space here.

As much as I like living rural, I wish there was at least a bus that came out this way that I could take into town when ever I wanted.

Guess I should try real hard to focus on redirecting my thoughts and feelings onto other things.  Maybe I could try coming up with more art corner ideas instead.

When The Planets Mess With You

I am struggling today.  It is hard to say that.  I try to mask everything, keep it close to the vest as they say.  I'm gonna blame Mercury and the Solar Storm/Flare and call it good.  Well it sounds like a good plan anyway LOL.

I am feeling so very not enough today.  I am feeling like all I did was change the scenery.  I am feeling very much like things are "all in my head".  I feel like no matter what I say or do, no matter how hard I try.......it's never enough, I am never enough. 

No matter how hard I try to fit in, to be a part of things, it never works.  Always the outcast, the outsider, the imposter, the alien, the intruder.

Don't speak up or speak out.  Don't act.  Stay small, stay in your box.  People don't like it when you do that.  Don't share your thoughts or your experiences.  And for goodness sake, don't try to heal your inner wounds.

Don't try to be creative, don't write, don't make art.  Don't do the things you enjoy like read or watch a favorite show or play a game.  And for the love of all things, do you dare read "self help" books!  How dare you want to improve or change something.  No no, stay small, stay invisible, stay wounded.

Don't you dare try to wear things that you are comfortable in or love to wear.  Don't you dare try to improve your health by changing your ways of eating.  No no that isn't acceptable.

My no isn't holy. My yes isn't holy.  My words are not sacred and holy.  How dare I think my words are important.  How dare I say NO.  How dare I have an opinion.  How dare I want to ......well anything.

There's a part of my brain that tells me to knock it off.  There's a rational voice that tells me that it's the gremlims talking. And it is probably true.  But it doesn't make what I am feeling any less real.

I think what triggered this, besides the astro stuff going on....is something that was said in passing during a conversation.  It wasn't meant to be hurtful or anything, in fact it is true.  And I hate it.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  It makes me want to hide away and not want or need anything.

It frustrates me to no end that I am dependent on others.  I have no financial means of independence.  I am not self sufficient.  And it sucks.  I don't drive or have a car.  I couldn't afford a car even if I could drive.  And I don't have the wear-with-all to actually drive.  I can't handle it.  I can't get a job because I have to way to get to said job.  And even if I could, physically I don't think I could do it because of the constant pain.  I can't stand for long periods, even to do dishes it takes me a few hours because I can't stand at the sink long enough to do them all at once.  I can't walk for long periods because of the pain.  Working outside of home just isn't an option.   I don't believe I qualify any sort of assistance.  So I have to depend on others for everything....food, clothing, meds, doctor visits, etc.

IT SUCKS!    But I have no way to change it.  All I can do is try to find the silver lining and make the best of it.  Rationally, this is all the gremlins talking, trying to keep me down.  And today I just don't feel like fighting with them, so I'll let them have their way and let them gripe and grumble.  While they do, I will try to ignore them by looking at ideas to design a craft corner in my room.  I have a space, but I am still not happy with it.  So I will look for ideas of what would say to me "Come, sit, make art."

Hope the planets aren't causing too much havoc for you. 

It's March?

Boy, the days just seem to be flying by.  Here it is March already!  How did that happen?

Our March though, didn't have a great start. We spent the morning at the vet yesterday saying good-bye to our eldest cat. She was 18 years old!!!   Up until end of November or so, she was still racing up the tree outside. Then for the last month she started slowing down, a lot.  Within the last week she went from a ravenous appetite to barely eating.  She stopped climbing the cat tree or even eating dry food. Yesterday morning, she wouldn't even eat breakfast.  Her breathing started looking labored.  Momma T consulted our vet the evening before and she thought it might be intestinal.  But when we brought her in yesterday morning she said it was clear it was time.  And so Mom and I loved and snuggle the old girl until she was gone.  She will be missed so much!

When I first met her, I had a hard time being around her and interacting with her.  She reminded me so much of my cat Sam.  But she was persistent and worked her way into my heart. Now, of all her kittens we've only got one and she herself is about 14 or so.

Winter in her better days, June 2015.

October 2014

This is her daughter, Dream.

About two weeks ago, we had a kitten just show up on our back porch.  Seeing it hit me hard.  She looks quite a bit like my Sylvie and has some of her mannerisms.  It seems like Winter gave this one her blessing because she usually doesn't care much for the other cats, but seemingly tolerated this one even when she got close.  And so we also have this new addition.

The new kid in the house.

So this is pretty much how February ended and March began.  Gained a kitten and lost our eldest cat.  

Hope your March had a better beginning.