I've thought about writing a blog post for weeks now, but always found an excuse not to. Today I figured I would at least end the year with one. I've not touched my blog since August, I've not read other blogs since September or so. I fell into a rut of the "I dunnos and I don't cares" I guess.
This year I turned 45. By Christmas I was feeling pretty damn sorry for myself. I'm still trying to pull myself out of that pity party. You see, Thanksgiving time it was 8 years since my Granny passed away. Christmas Eve marked 20 years since my Daddy died. I got word from my girls that their dad's eldest brother passed away. Then I learned that a man that I worked with many, many years ago and who had a bigger impact on my life than I ever realized, was the first person to ever think I had potential, had died after battling cancer back in September. I got no cards or gifts from my daughters for my birthday or for Christmas. Hell this year I didn't really even get a Merry Christmas Momma. I feel like they chose "him" over me. So all this loss and sadness, these feelings of being forgotten about just really got to me and I had a melt down a couple of days ago and cried my eyes out. While the tears helped a little, it really doesn't change anything other than a release of emotions I've been holding in.
Looking back over this year, looking back to my word(s) for 2014. I actually had to look it up because once again I forgot what I even chose. I don't think I came anywhere near "emerging as my authentic self" as I had intended. Sometimes I think I went back down the path of familiarity and stayed more the person other people want me to be. I didn't come out of my shell more like I wanted to. I didn't do a lot of things. I didn't write, I didn't make art, I didn't stay consistent on my quest to be healthier. So looking at all that I didn't do, combined with all the sadness of loss my pity party of melt down was inevitable.
Add into this mix, Sister #1, her man, and her 3 year old boy and 11 year girl who have been living with us since Thanksgiving. It's not been easy. Their parenting style leaves much to be desired, also leaves me thinking that one or both kids will need therapy when they grow up. Her comments and innuendos toward me are trying my patience and as I told my Beloved's parents it is out of respect of them and the gift of a roof over my head, food in my belly that they offer me that I hold my tongue. I've also told my Beloved's mom it is getting harder and harder to do. Living with Sister #1 in many ways reminds of living with the Ogre and his wretch of a sister. IMO Sister #1 is narcissistic. She has many of the signs I've seen in my own mother and in the Ogre and in the Ogre's sister. They're being here is taking it's toll on the three of us. We keep hoping they find a place soon, but their efforts to find something have been minimal. They are EXHAUSTING!! to say the least.
In the midst of all this, I started thinking about what I want my word for 2015 to be. I do not want a word that will be easily forgotten to the point that this time next year I need to look it up. I was reading a post by a Facebook friend about her year and her word, when a word popped into my head. I thought, nah that can't be it and kinda put it on the back burner. Then over the next few days other little posts would pop up here and there all pointing to something similar and that damn word kept coming to mind. Then the more I thought about the word, the more it made sense.
I've let so many things and so many people dictate my life and my being that I've lost my way over and over, many times. I've lost myself, my dreams, my desires, my goals. If I'm going to be honest, I'm tired of that shit. I'm tired of being told who I should be and what I should want by society, by others. I think I'm ready to say FUCK THAT SHIT!
So with that I present to you my word for 2015.........RECLAIM!
I Reclaim who I am
I Reclaim my dreams
I Reclaim my desires
I Reclaim my destiny
I Reclaim my life
I Reclaim my blog space too. I hope to post more often rather months between posts. I hope to get back to regularly reading your posts and commenting here and there to let you know that you are seen and heard.
I wish you all well, I wish you love, good health, prosperity, happiness, peace today and always. Have a Happy and Safe New Year!!!!
