Slowly, slowly I'm finding my way back to girl I once was. I'm still afraid sometimes, a lot of times to let her shine through...but I'm getting there. Being around loving, supportive people helps. I still have to learn to be comfortable with myself again though. I've always had issues with worrying about what others think, but I'm coming around little by little.
It's nice to be able to breathe. To know that you aren't going to be judged for having a thought or an opinion. To know you aren't going to be blamed for someone else's shit. I am however being called crazy by members of "that family". And you know what....I'm OKAY with that. If being myself means being crazy, that I'm not some drone following mindlessly, then so be it.
At the same time though, I'm feeling lost. Lost on how to earn money where jobs are hard to come by. I still want to go back to school, but I'm lost on what to study. The things I want to major in aren't readily available in this area. And if I want to get financial aide, then the only schools that qualify are either in Washington state, Oregon, or California. Right now we are in no position to move. Even if I just wanted to do some home study courses, I can't...not right now anyway...again a money issue.
Then there's my Path. *Le Sigh* I don't know where the hell I belong there. Jen over at "Rue and Hyssop" had an excellent post the other day on the topic of being Pagan. You can read it here, if you like.
I use the term Pagan loosely for myself because I don't really know what else I would fall under. I don't do rituals per se. I feel awkward casting circles or calling quarters. I don't have any "tools" to be a "proper witch". I don't think having a couple of tarot decks, some incense and candles, a sage smudge stick (never used yet), some assorted herbs, and a few books as having the "right witchy stuff".
I'm still drawn to being a Druid, and I'm still drawn to Avalon. But I'm also still drawn to Elves and Faeries. Lately I've been wondering if Elves were involved with those in Avalon some how. And if we're to believe that Merlin was a Druid, then surely they must have had some involvement as well.
But I can relate to where Jen is coming from. Feeling like you're "in between". Because while I'm drawn to those things, I occasionally feel drawn to Buddha, Artemis, or more recently Ganesha (there's more but you get the point.)
I suppose in time, with baby steps all will fall into place. And if I keep my eyes, ears, heart and mind open I will find my way.
