When The Planets Mess With You

I am struggling today.  It is hard to say that.  I try to mask everything, keep it close to the vest as they say.  I'm gonna blame Mercury and the Solar Storm/Flare and call it good.  Well it sounds like a good plan anyway LOL.

I am feeling so very not enough today.  I am feeling like all I did was change the scenery.  I am feeling very much like things are "all in my head".  I feel like no matter what I say or do, no matter how hard I try.......it's never enough, I am never enough. 

No matter how hard I try to fit in, to be a part of things, it never works.  Always the outcast, the outsider, the imposter, the alien, the intruder.

Don't speak up or speak out.  Don't act.  Stay small, stay in your box.  People don't like it when you do that.  Don't share your thoughts or your experiences.  And for goodness sake, don't try to heal your inner wounds.

Don't try to be creative, don't write, don't make art.  Don't do the things you enjoy like read or watch a favorite show or play a game.  And for the love of all things, do you dare read "self help" books!  How dare you want to improve or change something.  No no, stay small, stay invisible, stay wounded.

Don't you dare try to wear things that you are comfortable in or love to wear.  Don't you dare try to improve your health by changing your ways of eating.  No no that isn't acceptable.

My no isn't holy. My yes isn't holy.  My words are not sacred and holy.  How dare I think my words are important.  How dare I say NO.  How dare I have an opinion.  How dare I want to ......well anything.

There's a part of my brain that tells me to knock it off.  There's a rational voice that tells me that it's the gremlims talking. And it is probably true.  But it doesn't make what I am feeling any less real.

I think what triggered this, besides the astro stuff going on....is something that was said in passing during a conversation.  It wasn't meant to be hurtful or anything, in fact it is true.  And I hate it.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  It makes me want to hide away and not want or need anything.

It frustrates me to no end that I am dependent on others.  I have no financial means of independence.  I am not self sufficient.  And it sucks.  I don't drive or have a car.  I couldn't afford a car even if I could drive.  And I don't have the wear-with-all to actually drive.  I can't handle it.  I can't get a job because I have to way to get to said job.  And even if I could, physically I don't think I could do it because of the constant pain.  I can't stand for long periods, even to do dishes it takes me a few hours because I can't stand at the sink long enough to do them all at once.  I can't walk for long periods because of the pain.  Working outside of home just isn't an option.   I don't believe I qualify any sort of assistance.  So I have to depend on others for everything....food, clothing, meds, doctor visits, etc.

IT SUCKS!    But I have no way to change it.  All I can do is try to find the silver lining and make the best of it.  Rationally, this is all the gremlins talking, trying to keep me down.  And today I just don't feel like fighting with them, so I'll let them have their way and let them gripe and grumble.  While they do, I will try to ignore them by looking at ideas to design a craft corner in my room.  I have a space, but I am still not happy with it.  So I will look for ideas of what would say to me "Come, sit, make art."

Hope the planets aren't causing too much havoc for you.