More Revelations

Maybe it's something to do with me turning 50 this year.
Maybe it's something to do with the roller coaster of last week.
I don't know.  But I feel like things are no becoming clearer per se.
Just present maybe?

I think I narrowed my dig deeper list down to two.  I haven't excavated yet.

I feel like I have been dreaming of old Gothic style churches, but I can't remember
anything about the dreams.  I feel like I may have even been dreaming about
Mary Magdalene, but yet again I can't remember anything.

Here is what I think I might know.

I don't paint because I am afraid.
I am afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop.
I am afraid that others won't like what I paint.
I've already been told that my painted faces are "creepy" because someone
feels like the eyes are watching them.  Even though there isn't anything creepy
about the eyes in general.  All the teachers I admire all paint faces that I would
like to master...Willowing, Effy, Shiloh Sophia. I would love to master and learn
to create my own style. 
But, I am afraid to because of the criticism of others.  Because I might not be able
to stop if I started.

I am afraid to write because what if the words won't come.
What if it is all terrible? 
What if I write my truth and people think I am a liar?
What if I fail?
I am afraid of what I will unearth if I let myself write.
There is so much I can't remember, that I have buried.
I don't know if I want to be a published writer any more.
But yet I am a little jealous of a friend who just signed a contract.
I am afraid that my words don't matter
That they aren't good enough.
or what if they are enough and someone steals them?

I am afraid to follow a sacred path.
I hear the call, but am afraid to answer.
I am afraid of the criticism and teasing.
I am afraid of being mocked.
I am afraid if I answer of where the road would lead me.

I am afraid to take back my name as much as I want to.
I have no claim to my married name.  I never felt it was who I am/was.
I thought if I took, I would feel connected to something. But I didn't.
I am afraid that taking back my given name is going backwards.
Do I really have a claim to it?
Do I really have a sense of connection with it?
Are all the connections negative?
If I don't take back my given name, what name do I take?
If I do take it back, what does that look like?
How do I change the narrative?
How do I change the story?
The positive is there is only one of me.  If you were to look up my
given name, there is only one and it is me.  No one else. I am unique
And I like that. 
When I got married and took his name, I thought it would change something.
But it didn't.  It wasn't this magical thing I naively thought it would change everything.
I was still invisible. I was still.........   I am still invisible. 

Maybe I am digging deeper without realizing it. 
Maybe this is what it coming
through subconsciously from the dreams I can't remember.

What I do know is this
The fear is heavy
The fear is a burden
A burden I am tired of carrying
I am tired of the negative attached to my given name.
I feel like it is mine and not mine at the same time.
I am tired of not creating. Be it art or writing.
I am tired of not heeding the call.

I am afraid of the unknown. 
But I think I am more afraid of not knowing what's at the end of that journey.