Oh Imposter Syndrome

I have not missed this feeling.
But does it ever really go away.
I've been trying hard to ignore it.
That's not working out so well.
It sure is starting to rear it's very ugly head here again.

I've been trying to play with my camera a bit more often.
I started thinking today about maybe entering into the photography
competitions at the 2 local fairs coming up.
And oh boy did that feeling like an imposter rear it's very ugly head!

I have waited to enter anything because  I wanted to do it under my 
current name, not my former name.  Stupid reason probably. But there 
it is.  And then factor in that I don't feel skilled or adequate enough to 
enter.  I've been to the one fair a couple of times.  And let me tell you, 
I sure don't feel like I can even begin to compete even at the armature level.

I don't qualify as an advanced armature.  I don't even fully understand what 
that even means.  The upside is, if I do enter anything as an armature it doesn't
cost me anything, except my pride maybe.  The only cost I would have is to have
the photo(s) printed and mounted.

It's crazy that I think about this, these competitions all year. Then when it 
comes time to consider entering, I get cold feet.  Really the imposter syndrome
just rises up and it is very overwhelming.  Paralyzing even.

It makes me feel like I have to right to even try.
You know, who do I think I am.

I have always had an interest in photography.
Even back when I had a film camera.  One of those cheap 35mm ones.  I think
back then, the most expensive one I had was about 99 dollars or so. 
Then around 2003 or so I moved up to a rather inexpensive digital camera.  It too,
only cost me about 100 dollars.  
I didn't feel like had the right to indulge in my interest.  Or to invest in what 
could have been a deeper passion at the time.  I didn't feel like I was allowed
or worth it.

So now, here I am trying to give myself permission.
To explore. To practice. To maybe some day do something with my pictures.
I'm not much of portrait photographer. I  am more into nature and landscape,
wildlife, that sort of thing.

It's just another one of those things I need to overcome. But do we ever really?

June Already?

 I can't believe that it is already June!!
I mean....didn't we just have New Year's?
Days are flying by and blending into each other.
And I don't like it!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around my new status.
Getting everything changed is a bit of a challenge. 
I can't do anything until I get it processed in one place.
Which was a bit frustrating, thanks to COVID.
There was nothing on their website saying you can't go in.
So, I tried to go in only to find the doors locked.
Sign said make an appointment.  I tried to do so.  Only to find
out, it is NOT possible to make appointments except for emergencies.
They have a drop box that closes promptly at NOON! 
You have to do all requests via that box.
Yesterday I got a letter stating it was being processed. Two days 
prior, I got my documents back.  (SIGH of relief!!)

You don't know how uneasy I was to drop off my only copy and my
passport card in a drop box. Then have to wait to get them back.  I could
envision all sorts of things going wrong. Them getting lost or stolen.
I over think too much and jump to worse case scenarios to fast.
Now I just have to wait for that new card to come. If I understand right,
with that letter, I can now proceed to changing it in all the other places too.

June started off with a heat wave.  Broke a record yesterday, they say we
hit 103!!!  The day ended in some crazy weather.  Thunder and lightening.
And a fuck ton of wind!!  Even stronger than what brought the tree down on 
us a few years ago.  Some scrap wood almost flew through a back window.
Mom ran out to secure it but the wind was so bad she needed help.

Then I tried to tuck some stuff under the 5th wheel but the wind was trying to 
blow it all out right from under it.  I got stuck out there, hugging the side of the 
5th wheel because the wind picked up so bad I couldn't move.  Branches were 
flying. The rose trellis got  ripped out of the side of the house. Nails and all!!!
I finally said a prayer, gathered up my hair which was flying every which way 
and made a mad dash for the front of the house.  

I considered just going into the 5th wheel but it was rocking so much I was
honestly afraid it would blow down the hill with me in it.  Though, my being
against the one side of it while said rocking was going on wasn't any safer.  If 
it flipped, I was gonna be a pancake!  Hence the choice to tuck tail and run for it.

And then we lost power for about 6 hours!
Then we heard sirens, there was an accident up on the interstate, which we could see
from the front yard.  The lights not the actual accident. Then I could hear what sounded
like heavy equipment, either the jaws of life or chain saws.  Hope everyone was okay.

I know there's a lot of cleansing and releasing going on.  With the full moon and the 
eclipse and Mercury retrograde, and all that. And winds are cleansing. BUT...HOLY
FUCK that was a bit much.

Hope your June is off to a rather LESS eventful start!