Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Oh Imposter Syndrome

I have not missed this feeling.
But does it ever really go away.
I've been trying hard to ignore it.
That's not working out so well.
It sure is starting to rear it's very ugly head here again.

I've been trying to play with my camera a bit more often.
I started thinking today about maybe entering into the photography
competitions at the 2 local fairs coming up.
And oh boy did that feeling like an imposter rear it's very ugly head!

I have waited to enter anything because  I wanted to do it under my 
current name, not my former name.  Stupid reason probably. But there 
it is.  And then factor in that I don't feel skilled or adequate enough to 
enter.  I've been to the one fair a couple of times.  And let me tell you, 
I sure don't feel like I can even begin to compete even at the armature level.

I don't qualify as an advanced armature.  I don't even fully understand what 
that even means.  The upside is, if I do enter anything as an armature it doesn't
cost me anything, except my pride maybe.  The only cost I would have is to have
the photo(s) printed and mounted.

It's crazy that I think about this, these competitions all year. Then when it 
comes time to consider entering, I get cold feet.  Really the imposter syndrome
just rises up and it is very overwhelming.  Paralyzing even.

It makes me feel like I have to right to even try.
You know, who do I think I am.

I have always had an interest in photography.
Even back when I had a film camera.  One of those cheap 35mm ones.  I think
back then, the most expensive one I had was about 99 dollars or so. 
Then around 2003 or so I moved up to a rather inexpensive digital camera.  It too,
only cost me about 100 dollars.  
I didn't feel like had the right to indulge in my interest.  Or to invest in what 
could have been a deeper passion at the time.  I didn't feel like I was allowed
or worth it.

So now, here I am trying to give myself permission.
To explore. To practice. To maybe some day do something with my pictures.
I'm not much of portrait photographer. I  am more into nature and landscape,
wildlife, that sort of thing.

It's just another one of those things I need to overcome. But do we ever really?

Friday, June 4, 2021

June Already?

 I can't believe that it is already June!!
I mean....didn't we just have New Year's?
Days are flying by and blending into each other.
And I don't like it!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around my new status.
Getting everything changed is a bit of a challenge. 
I can't do anything until I get it processed in one place.
Which was a bit frustrating, thanks to COVID.
There was nothing on their website saying you can't go in.
So, I tried to go in only to find the doors locked.
Sign said make an appointment.  I tried to do so.  Only to find
out, it is NOT possible to make appointments except for emergencies.
They have a drop box that closes promptly at NOON! 
You have to do all requests via that box.
Yesterday I got a letter stating it was being processed. Two days 
prior, I got my documents back.  (SIGH of relief!!)

You don't know how uneasy I was to drop off my only copy and my
passport card in a drop box. Then have to wait to get them back.  I could
envision all sorts of things going wrong. Them getting lost or stolen.
I over think too much and jump to worse case scenarios to fast.
Now I just have to wait for that new card to come. If I understand right,
with that letter, I can now proceed to changing it in all the other places too.

June started off with a heat wave.  Broke a record yesterday, they say we
hit 103!!!  The day ended in some crazy weather.  Thunder and lightening.
And a fuck ton of wind!!  Even stronger than what brought the tree down on 
us a few years ago.  Some scrap wood almost flew through a back window.
Mom ran out to secure it but the wind was so bad she needed help.

Then I tried to tuck some stuff under the 5th wheel but the wind was trying to 
blow it all out right from under it.  I got stuck out there, hugging the side of the 
5th wheel because the wind picked up so bad I couldn't move.  Branches were 
flying. The rose trellis got  ripped out of the side of the house. Nails and all!!!
I finally said a prayer, gathered up my hair which was flying every which way 
and made a mad dash for the front of the house.  

I considered just going into the 5th wheel but it was rocking so much I was
honestly afraid it would blow down the hill with me in it.  Though, my being
against the one side of it while said rocking was going on wasn't any safer.  If 
it flipped, I was gonna be a pancake!  Hence the choice to tuck tail and run for it.

And then we lost power for about 6 hours!
Then we heard sirens, there was an accident up on the interstate, which we could see
from the front yard.  The lights not the actual accident. Then I could hear what sounded
like heavy equipment, either the jaws of life or chain saws.  Hope everyone was okay.

I know there's a lot of cleansing and releasing going on.  With the full moon and the 
eclipse and Mercury retrograde, and all that. And winds are cleansing. BUT...HOLY
FUCK that was a bit much.

Hope your June is off to a rather LESS eventful start!

Thursday, May 20, 2021

It's Done

It's official!! Finally!!

There were a couple of small hiccups, clerical errors.  Nothing crazy.  
Everything finally got corrected and submitted. 

The decree has been finalized.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel.

Relief?  I think.

Yet, there's the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Like there's some hidden surprise lurking in the shadows.
And not in a good way.

I'm sure it's all just my brain falling back to old patterns.
It's what I know. It's what's familiar. Something I need to unlearn.

Next week is when I go around to all the places to file for name change.
Should be interesting.

Now that I have my name again, I wonder how many times I might make a mistake
and write the wrong last name after so many years.  

Part of me feels overwhelmed.
Part of me feels relief.
Part of me feels numb or shocked, maybe both.
At least I think that's how I feel.
How am I supposed to feel?
I've never done this before.

This is a whole new experience. One I hope not to repeat, ever again.
That's easy enough to accomplish though.

The price of this freedom though, cost me dearly. In ways I cannot even begin to describe.

Thursday, April 15, 2021

Still Waiting, But

 Trying to be patient.  Trying not to feel like the proverbial other shoe is going to drop.

I had not heard anything for almost three weeks. But got an email yesterday stating that the final papers were accepted and just waiting now for them to be signed.  So this is really happening?! It doesn't feel real.  Not yet at least.

Then I got a call from my doctor's office that my pre-authorization is about to expire and what did I want to do.  The nurse wasn't clear on what all the notes in my file from the billing manager were about.  So I had to explain it all to her and she literally groaned over the mess.  

Since that has all been on the back burner, I hadn't really thought about going through with it.  I've ponder, however, what if I don't do it.  What if I just live with it?  I mean, I'm functioning with the pain.  It's not a keep me in bed for days kind of pain. It's just feels like constant period pain, some days are more intense than others.  Sometimes it will catch me off guard if I move wrong or sneeze or cough.  But I can live with it, can't I? It's true that OTC pain relief doesn't hardly touch it. But I can still function.  Or am I only deluding myself because I'm afraid to go through with it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.

Insurance stuff is still at a stand still too.  They won't give me any information. Nor will they give it to my doctor's office.  Some how I think that is illegal.  They won't talk to me because I'm not the primary. And they won't talk to her without the ID numbers.  He said he will drop me from his insurance as soon as things are finalized. But I shouldn't have been on it in the first place!  I did not consent. Nor did I sign anything!!  It's just fucked up. And a big mess!  It shouldn't even be happening, but it is. And I feel powerless.

People keep asking me why has it taken so long to do the divorce.  Why did he wait so long? Or why did I?  I didn't have the money.  I didn't know how long I had to wait to file in my state.  Legal Aide wouldn't help me.  I asked for a divorce several times before I even left and he refused.  He knew for a long time, even before I left that it was what I wanted.  I had heard on more than one occasion from mutuals that he was filing then he wasn't. Then he was, then he wasn't.  I heard that a few times over the last few years.  It was like a carrot being dangle to perhaps get my hopes up.  I honestly don't know.  I stopped trying to figure it out.  Even the lawyers and Legal Aide that I consulted with asked me this.  I had no answers.  I don't understand why it even matters.  

I know that there are plenty of people who separated and never divorced. The majority was amicable and something that both parties were okay with. My own parents are an example of a couple who separated but never divorced.  Though neither of them could have afforded to file.  And my dad always held out a faint hope of them getting back together.  It never happened though.  

It is not a question that should be asked of  abuse survivors either.  You don't know the hows or the whys of the things. You don't know what you could be triggering by asking such questions.  Or by making the victim feel like they have done something wrong by not filing.  You just don't know so stop fucking judging!!!  Yes you can hear the judgmental tone when they ask.

So that's the gist of things at the moment. Still waiting.

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Spring Blessings And Unexpected Happenings


Image credit: Wendy Andrew

First Happy SPRING!  Blessed Ostara!!!  
Spring is blowing in like a lion here.
Winds are expected to be 15-25 MPH with 30 MPH gusts.
Which is making it quite chilly despite the blue skies and sunshine.

I have been having the oddest dreams of late.
I dreamt of my late grandmother, who was laying her head in my lap
looking at me silently while I stroked her hair.

The other night, I dreamt of being an room with a huge picture window.
It was dark and grey outside the window, it started snowing.
Then I saw a big blue/dark blue butterfly.
And then another, then a few more, and yet a few more. All fluttering 
and swirling in the wind and snow. Next there were just dozens of them,
coming in wave after wave, spiraling higher and higher into the sky.
I just sat and watched it in awe.

I looked up the meaning of the butterfly and the blue one specifically.
It seems to be a good omen.  So fingers crossed!

So let's see.  Insurance drama...  I believe I told y'all that the reason I 
have been having issues with my claims being denied is because the 
not yet Ex has had me on his insurance without my knowledge or 
consent.  I tried getting myself off it, but they wouldn't even talk to me.
They just kept telling me I have to talk to HIM about it.  Which, of
course, caused me to have a melt down. I talked to my doctor's office
about it, but I haven't yet heard back from the lady there.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this, I got divorce papers in the mail!
Someone must of tipped him off about the insurance stuff because he made
sure to mention that as soon as it's finalized, he would drop me.  But I still 
don't have access to the information even though I am more than likely 
entitled to the coverage regardless.
He has gotten ALL of my stimulus money.  And I have not seen or gotten 
a dime of it.  *SIGH!*  It's frustrating!!  I did ask him to send me the last
installment because it was probably going to go to him again before I could
even attempt to try to claim it again.  Because I did try to get it the first time
around, and my papers kept getting rejected.  And I finally did the where is it
request, and that's how I found out that it went to him. 

People in my situation have almost no recourse.  Domestic Violence victims
have no way to get what they are entitled to, and are pretty much forced
to contact the abuser. Which of course leads down a dangerous road for the victims.
Probably why I believe most victims are not pursuing getting their 
portion of the funds from their abuser.

But anyway, we'll see what happens.  I've been told by several people that I should
open up an claim of some sort to get my half.  That I should fight for it.  I don't know 
if I have the energy for that.

If all goes well, the divorce should be finalized this time next month.
Fingers crossed!

Monday, February 15, 2021

Still No Changes

 It's been almost a month now, and still I have no word on what is happening with the insurance.

I have been waiting for her to get back to me with what kind of insurance it is I am supposedly on, 
so I can figure out how to get off it.  

I tried calling the company itself, but without the numbers they won't help me and to make it worse,
they keep telling me I need to talk to HIM.  They want me to contact my abuser.  

My pain has been all over the place.
Some days are manageable and others it feels like I'm being stabbed on the inside.
Even more fun when the pain in my thighs start. Which has been really flaring for the last two days.

I can't go to the doctor because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't have surgery because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't do anything because of the insurance bullshit.

If I want a divorce, I have to come up with at least $1800!  Could go up to $3500 or more 
depending on the situation.  Which of course I don't have.

I don't get the stimulus money because it all goes to him!!!
And if I want to fight it, and end up needing a lawyer for that, I'd probably end up with nothing
because they'd take it all in the fees no doubt.

I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place with no recourse.
I feel like I have no options.

It's like being lost in a maze of mirrors and there seems to be no way out.
This all just sucks!

But we did get snow.  Almost a foot!!
So that's something :D 

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

And Shit Keeps On Coming

 I've been dealing with insurance issues since October now. 
Couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone.
The department that is supposed to know WTF is going on,
never saw any outside insurance.  So they claim.
Last month, someone finally put in for an in depth
review and investigation into my situation.
Because you know, shit keeps getting denied because of some
mystery insurance.

I finally got a call from the case worker who put the review request in.
She says that there is an active outside policy on me, but it was not
included in the report what it was.
So I had to call the department that claims all this time that nothing was
there, for them to tell me "Oh yes, there is a policy active with 'such and such'
company."  I insisted that there was not, so the gentleman who took the call
checked somethings and came back to tell me there was and who it was through.
Gave me a number to call that company but claimed he couldn't give me any
more information like policy or group numbers.  (Which later I found out 
was complete bullshit!  Because if it is in my file I have a RIGHT to ALL 
the information in it.)

So I proceed to call said company and asked them to remove me from this policy.
I was told I cannot remove myself because I am not the policy holder.
It didn't matter that I was on there without my consent.
No one gave a shit about that at all.  

Oh no....four different representatives told me I had to contact my abuser and ask
him to remove me.
Excuse me..........what???  I've been out of state and no contact for almost 10 years.

Seeing I was getting no where with these service reps, I told them have a nice day.
Then promptly lost my shit and had a good fucking cry.
Because FML....I should be able to get myself off something that I didn't agree or 
consent to.  Plus I live out of state from him.

I spoke with my doctor's office and they are going to try to get me more information
about how to proceed from here.  Thank the gods they are being supportive and working
with me. I told her though that under no circumstances (at least those in my control)
would I be going forward with my surgery until all this is sorted out.

I also tried going through Legal Aid to start divorce proceedings.
But because he isn't actively beating the shit out of me or threatening to, they can't help.
Oh and the lawyer totally made me feel like shit because "why have you waited so long to 
file or try to file for divorce?"  Um, why the fuck should that matter?

I have some calls in to other places that might be able to help me.
Just gotta wait to hear back.