Thursday, April 15, 2021

Still Waiting, But

 Trying to be patient.  Trying not to feel like the proverbial other shoe is going to drop.

I had not heard anything for almost three weeks. But got an email yesterday stating that the final papers were accepted and just waiting now for them to be signed.  So this is really happening?! It doesn't feel real.  Not yet at least.

Then I got a call from my doctor's office that my pre-authorization is about to expire and what did I want to do.  The nurse wasn't clear on what all the notes in my file from the billing manager were about.  So I had to explain it all to her and she literally groaned over the mess.  

Since that has all been on the back burner, I hadn't really thought about going through with it.  I've ponder, however, what if I don't do it.  What if I just live with it?  I mean, I'm functioning with the pain.  It's not a keep me in bed for days kind of pain. It's just feels like constant period pain, some days are more intense than others.  Sometimes it will catch me off guard if I move wrong or sneeze or cough.  But I can live with it, can't I? It's true that OTC pain relief doesn't hardly touch it. But I can still function.  Or am I only deluding myself because I'm afraid to go through with it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.

Insurance stuff is still at a stand still too.  They won't give me any information. Nor will they give it to my doctor's office.  Some how I think that is illegal.  They won't talk to me because I'm not the primary. And they won't talk to her without the ID numbers.  He said he will drop me from his insurance as soon as things are finalized. But I shouldn't have been on it in the first place!  I did not consent. Nor did I sign anything!!  It's just fucked up. And a big mess!  It shouldn't even be happening, but it is. And I feel powerless.

People keep asking me why has it taken so long to do the divorce.  Why did he wait so long? Or why did I?  I didn't have the money.  I didn't know how long I had to wait to file in my state.  Legal Aide wouldn't help me.  I asked for a divorce several times before I even left and he refused.  He knew for a long time, even before I left that it was what I wanted.  I had heard on more than one occasion from mutuals that he was filing then he wasn't. Then he was, then he wasn't.  I heard that a few times over the last few years.  It was like a carrot being dangle to perhaps get my hopes up.  I honestly don't know.  I stopped trying to figure it out.  Even the lawyers and Legal Aide that I consulted with asked me this.  I had no answers.  I don't understand why it even matters.  

I know that there are plenty of people who separated and never divorced. The majority was amicable and something that both parties were okay with. My own parents are an example of a couple who separated but never divorced.  Though neither of them could have afforded to file.  And my dad always held out a faint hope of them getting back together.  It never happened though.  

It is not a question that should be asked of  abuse survivors either.  You don't know the hows or the whys of the things. You don't know what you could be triggering by asking such questions.  Or by making the victim feel like they have done something wrong by not filing.  You just don't know so stop fucking judging!!!  Yes you can hear the judgmental tone when they ask.

So that's the gist of things at the moment. Still waiting.

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Spring Blessings And Unexpected Happenings


Image credit: Wendy Andrew

First Happy SPRING!  Blessed Ostara!!!  
Spring is blowing in like a lion here.
Winds are expected to be 15-25 MPH with 30 MPH gusts.
Which is making it quite chilly despite the blue skies and sunshine.

I have been having the oddest dreams of late.
I dreamt of my late grandmother, who was laying her head in my lap
looking at me silently while I stroked her hair.

The other night, I dreamt of being an room with a huge picture window.
It was dark and grey outside the window, it started snowing.
Then I saw a big blue/dark blue butterfly.
And then another, then a few more, and yet a few more. All fluttering 
and swirling in the wind and snow. Next there were just dozens of them,
coming in wave after wave, spiraling higher and higher into the sky.
I just sat and watched it in awe.

I looked up the meaning of the butterfly and the blue one specifically.
It seems to be a good omen.  So fingers crossed!

So let's see.  Insurance drama...  I believe I told y'all that the reason I 
have been having issues with my claims being denied is because the 
not yet Ex has had me on his insurance without my knowledge or 
consent.  I tried getting myself off it, but they wouldn't even talk to me.
They just kept telling me I have to talk to HIM about it.  Which, of
course, caused me to have a melt down. I talked to my doctor's office
about it, but I haven't yet heard back from the lady there.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this, I got divorce papers in the mail!
Someone must of tipped him off about the insurance stuff because he made
sure to mention that as soon as it's finalized, he would drop me.  But I still 
don't have access to the information even though I am more than likely 
entitled to the coverage regardless.
He has gotten ALL of my stimulus money.  And I have not seen or gotten 
a dime of it.  *SIGH!*  It's frustrating!!  I did ask him to send me the last
installment because it was probably going to go to him again before I could
even attempt to try to claim it again.  Because I did try to get it the first time
around, and my papers kept getting rejected.  And I finally did the where is it
request, and that's how I found out that it went to him. 

People in my situation have almost no recourse.  Domestic Violence victims
have no way to get what they are entitled to, and are pretty much forced
to contact the abuser. Which of course leads down a dangerous road for the victims.
Probably why I believe most victims are not pursuing getting their 
portion of the funds from their abuser.

But anyway, we'll see what happens.  I've been told by several people that I should
open up an claim of some sort to get my half.  That I should fight for it.  I don't know 
if I have the energy for that.

If all goes well, the divorce should be finalized this time next month.
Fingers crossed!

Monday, February 15, 2021

Still No Changes

 It's been almost a month now, and still I have no word on what is happening with the insurance.

I have been waiting for her to get back to me with what kind of insurance it is I am supposedly on, 
so I can figure out how to get off it.  

I tried calling the company itself, but without the numbers they won't help me and to make it worse,
they keep telling me I need to talk to HIM.  They want me to contact my abuser.  

My pain has been all over the place.
Some days are manageable and others it feels like I'm being stabbed on the inside.
Even more fun when the pain in my thighs start. Which has been really flaring for the last two days.

I can't go to the doctor because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't have surgery because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't do anything because of the insurance bullshit.

If I want a divorce, I have to come up with at least $1800!  Could go up to $3500 or more 
depending on the situation.  Which of course I don't have.

I don't get the stimulus money because it all goes to him!!!
And if I want to fight it, and end up needing a lawyer for that, I'd probably end up with nothing
because they'd take it all in the fees no doubt.

I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place with no recourse.
I feel like I have no options.

It's like being lost in a maze of mirrors and there seems to be no way out.
This all just sucks!

But we did get snow.  Almost a foot!!
So that's something :D 

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

And Shit Keeps On Coming

 I've been dealing with insurance issues since October now. 
Couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone.
The department that is supposed to know WTF is going on,
never saw any outside insurance.  So they claim.
Last month, someone finally put in for an in depth
review and investigation into my situation.
Because you know, shit keeps getting denied because of some
mystery insurance.

I finally got a call from the case worker who put the review request in.
She says that there is an active outside policy on me, but it was not
included in the report what it was.
So I had to call the department that claims all this time that nothing was
there, for them to tell me "Oh yes, there is a policy active with 'such and such'
company."  I insisted that there was not, so the gentleman who took the call
checked somethings and came back to tell me there was and who it was through.
Gave me a number to call that company but claimed he couldn't give me any
more information like policy or group numbers.  (Which later I found out 
was complete bullshit!  Because if it is in my file I have a RIGHT to ALL 
the information in it.)

So I proceed to call said company and asked them to remove me from this policy.
I was told I cannot remove myself because I am not the policy holder.
It didn't matter that I was on there without my consent.
No one gave a shit about that at all.  

Oh no....four different representatives told me I had to contact my abuser and ask
him to remove me.
Excuse me..........what???  I've been out of state and no contact for almost 10 years.

Seeing I was getting no where with these service reps, I told them have a nice day.
Then promptly lost my shit and had a good fucking cry.
Because FML....I should be able to get myself off something that I didn't agree or 
consent to.  Plus I live out of state from him.

I spoke with my doctor's office and they are going to try to get me more information
about how to proceed from here.  Thank the gods they are being supportive and working
with me. I told her though that under no circumstances (at least those in my control)
would I be going forward with my surgery until all this is sorted out.

I also tried going through Legal Aid to start divorce proceedings.
But because he isn't actively beating the shit out of me or threatening to, they can't help.
Oh and the lawyer totally made me feel like shit because "why have you waited so long to 
file or try to file for divorce?"  Um, why the fuck should that matter?

I have some calls in to other places that might be able to help me.
Just gotta wait to hear back.


Sunday, January 10, 2021

A Not So Great Start, Eh?

 I feel like 2021 is starting out by telling 2020, "Here, hold my beer!"
The events of January 6th were just HOLYFUCK! WTF JUST HAPPENED!

All I could do was think of my Grandma.
And how she must have been rolling over in her grave at what was happening.
This was not the country she knew and loved and fought to come home to.

I'm sure if she were still living, she would  be saying she's seen all this before.
Living in Europe during World War II.
She didn't have to be there, to live through that.  But her parents, her mother
especially insisted she go with them.
I often wonder what different life choices she would have made if she was allowed to stay.
Would she have been a completely different person?
Of course, she wouldn't have met my Grandpa or had my dad, uncle, and aunt.

I think of my family members that served.
Is this the country they fought for?

I think of BLM.
How differently it would have all been handled.

I just can't wrap my head around it though.
I can't understand how people can justify this as being okay.
How people can support this.

Maybe I'm looking at things through rose colored glasses.
Maybe I'm just too naïve.

I am disgusted by what happened.
I am appalled.
I am angry.
And I am scared that it will happen again, and again.

Friday, January 1, 2021

Happy New Year!

 I fully intended to round out the blogs last night with a FUCKOFF and FAREWELL 2020 post.

But in the end, I opted to go to bed instead.  
Bonded with my new heating pad and just chilled while listening to the neighbors all shooting off 

So, I figured I would just start the new year off with a post instead.

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

I wish you good health and good fortune.
Happiness and Peace.
May 2021 be gentler, kinder, softer for all of us.

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Where Oh Where Has The Year Gone?

 Can hardly believe we are almost to the end of 2020!

A year that seemingly started out for most of us with great hope,
only to turn into what has felt the LONGEST YEAR ever!

This year has looked and felt so different than other years.
Covid has certainly touched our lives in more ways that we care to count.

And with people being so selfish, I don't see how one can be hopeful
that there could ever be an end to this.

Our holidays were quieter. Smaller.
We opted not to gather for Thanksgiving.
And Christmas was definitely off the table.
Especially after someone near and dear to the fam lost her own
mother to this wretched virus. That was the seal of fate for our

I think this year has left me shocked and speechless more than I can 
ever remember.  With peoples attitudes, the virus, politics.
The ugly really came out in people.

I've sat and wondered what my Babci would have thought about it all.
The country she loved so much and fought so hard to return to.  The 
country she wanted her boys to grow up in, live in, and love.  They didn't
get to grow up here, but they did live here.  Love it?  I honestly don't know.
But I can almost certainly say that this is not the place she called home.
This is not the country she loved so dearly.  I'm not sure she would 
recognize it now.  I know I don't!

Here's hoping though, that 2021 will be a better year for all of us.