As I said the other day, I believe I turned a corner in some of things I was feeling. Where things didn't feel as overwhelming. The gremlins seem to be returning to their caves and cages for now, still rumbling though not as loudly. More like a loud whisper, just so I don't forget they are there.
Today being the Spring Equinox and a Full Moon.........and a Super Moon, I had thought I might like to do something to honor it. Go outside, wander to the end of the property, and then I dunno I didn't think it through that far. The weather is definitely Spring like in that we've had highs of 60's for a few days now. Which has put me into allergy meds season. But anywho........I was thinking I might do some sort of ritual be it actual or just something verbal.
And I still might try, but I just hurt so darn bad right now. Pain flare between my shoulders, enough to send me to lay with the heating pad, which turned into an unexpected nap. It was a restless nap though and did not feel any better when I finally pulled myself out of the bed. So maybe I won't walk out to the end of the property and maybe I'll just sit out and absorb some of the moonlight when She rises.
Now about the A-Ha! moments. So today, one of my art teachers and a woman I deeply admire did a FB live today in which she talking about wanting things. And how it is okay to want your wants. It was a "Wait, what? I can want things and it's okay?" moment. I have probably talked quite a bit about some of my wants on the blog here.
But here in comes my dilemma. I feel utterly and totally guilty for wanting and for even wanting to want something. The narrative of my life has been that if I want something I either didn't deserve what it was, I was selfish for wanting it, I wasn't worthy of having it, and so on and so on. I have felt, all my life, like I have needed permission to want something. Then even if I had permission to want it, I didn't have permission to have it.
I have to learn to let go guilt over wanting things. I have to learn to give myself permission to want things and permission to even have or receive the things I want. Then I have to learn to allow myself to persue those things.
She suggests making a list of things you want, then to pick one thing off the list and dig deeper. Why do you want it? What would having it mean to me, do for me? What does my want look like? It's something I was planning to sit with over the next day or so and see what I come up with.
Blessed Ostara, Full Super Moon Blessings, and Happy Spring!!!
That "making the list and digging deeper" exercise sounds like a worthy thing to do!
ReplyDeleteOstara blessings to you!
Ostara blessings!
DeleteThe list making and digging deeper helps get to the core of the want. I guess it can partly help weed out anything trivial and not necessary, or if anything things that can wait and what may be priority to work on/towards.
I make lists all the time, but none like this. Sounds like something worth doing. I didn't do anything to celebrate last night either. My back was bothering me to bad to have much of an interest in anything.
ReplyDeleteI'll make lists of things I want to get done for like a project or trip. But I've never (yet) made a list of wants, then picked one, and drilled down deeper. Sitting with it, asking it questions, and so on. I believe she said it was based off something she learned with the Desire Map.
DeleteI couldn't shake of the pain in back to make it outside. Then we had some wind come up making it rather chilly. I did sit by the window in the moonlight for short bit before I went to bed.