Wants And Dreams

It is no surprise that with the full moon comes odd and weird dreams.  Most of which I can't even remember. 

The only thing that is really standing out is that I was having a heated discussion with someone about my beliefs.  And at some point I screamed at them "I am a witch".  Which I don't necessarily identify as completely, I'd say I have more Pagan leanings. I think these days I am more interested in Druidry or more so lately my ancestral magic.  Like what sort of magic and divination did my ancestors practice? What gods/goddesses did they invoke before Christianity took over? 

But before I disappear down that rabbit hole, back to the vague memory of the dream.  Well whoever I was debating with said my witch claim  wouldn't go over well with a group of others that I don't know who.  After a few more moments of exchanging words I blurted out, "well then, tell them I am Catholic. It's kind of the same thing anyway."  I got the impression that the party I was talking with rolled their eyes and so I then said "well then say I'm a Catholic Witch!"  Then I woke up. 

I have no idea who I was having this talk with, nor do I know who wanted to know what or who I believe it.  I think subconsciously, my mind is still on a conversation I had with my cousin about something along this line.  There were some posts going around about St. Patrick and how he shouldn't be celebrated and what not.  How he was a murdered and not even Irish.  There was a couple I wanted to share on Facebook, but decided against it because of potential backlash.  She mentioned to me how she felt the same about sharing and opting not to.  We got to  talking about the difficulty sometimes in trying to explain our beliefs and how or why we stepped away from the church.  In our conversation I said I was thinking for me it would just be easier to say I'm Catholic and be done with it.  After the church claims the "once a Catholic, always a Catholic" line.  While she didn't disagree, she also didn't agree with my thought process on this.

On the one hand, I've always marveled at the Mass with it's incense and incantations/prayers.  I remember the stories by my Grandma about how the Blessed Mother protected them during the war and so many other times She had seen her through difficult times. But then I have difficulty at how we are supposed to just accept and follow the priests without question.  That only they know the thoughts of God.  That as a lay person we couldn't possibly know.  And I can't justify the whole God's will and all that.  I can't wrap my head around how any divine being would be okay with the shit going on in the world and not just current events.  But that's a different rabbit hole to delve into at a later time perhaps.

I think I want to try and learn more about my ancestral magic. Who were their deities? What kind of magic did they practice? Divination practices?  What did their wheel of the year maybe look like?  My heritage to my knowledge is Polish and Ukrainian.  But I don't even know where to start looking.

I don't know if the dream even meant anything.  Or if I'm just looking for something that isn't there.

Now the list.  I worked on the list that I mentioned yesterday. I came up with eleven things so far.  A couple I'm sure can be combined into one and most can be interwoven in some way or another.  And all can be linked to each other in some way.  I haven't yet chosen one to  dig deeper into.  I think I will leave that for tomorrow. 

I think in part, I am still working through  giving myself permission to want.  Let's say for example my desire to write.  I have wanted to and have tried to write since I was about 12 years old.  But I was always afraid of being discovered.  I felt I had to keep it secret.  After when the not yet Ex found out I wanted to write, he would make jokes about it and ask me if I was published yet or how close was I to finished. Then it turned into him telling me what I should write.  I think he felt that because he bought me a laptop that he was being supportive but that it  also gave him the right to criticize and try to control my writing. 

Here I am 14 years later and I'm no closer to having a completed book or even near having something to publish.  I have mixed feelings about publishing now.  It used to be a  dream or at least I thought it was. But now, I think I'd more just like to have written something from start to finish. 

Maybe writing should be the one I dig deeper on.  It was my first passion, before art and photography.  Maybe if I dig into it, excavate the layers, I'll be able to find out why it is so important to me. Find out why I want it so badly, or at least I did. Do I still?