The Worst Might Be Over

I'm actually writing this a few hours later, but setting it to post the next day.

I think perhaps I have begun to get past the worst of the feelings and thoughts.  I had some coffee. Then I had some more.....because COFFEE!   I'm not going to say I'm over shit because triggers are real, but I do feel a little more settled than when I posted.

I started the corned beef in the crock pot along with some vegetables.   Then made some Irish Soda Bread Muffins.  Found the recipe via Google which directed me to the King Arthur's Flour site.  I didn't have all the raisins it called for which was a bummer because I do love my raisins in breads and cakes.  Did the small amount of dishes and then cleaned up my baking mess and did those as well.

As I was replying to Mary's comment on the previous post, I had a light bulb moment as they say.  I realized that I have spent pretty much my entire life looking for validation and acceptance from and by others.  From my mother to my grandmother(s) to extended family to friends or more those who pretended to be friends as long as I had something to offer them.  On into my marriage with my ex's family.

His nieces and nephews never accepted or acknowledge me as their aunt and passed the same belief onto their own children.  Perhaps it was because I was close in age to his nieces and nephews, I don't know.  I can remember my youngest tell her cousins that they needed to call me Aunt, and them replying they didn't have to because I wasn't.  She went on to tell them why they did and they argued back that they didn't.  He was their Uncle because their parents said so. But the logic that I was married to him, thereby making me the Aunt was not truth as far as they were concerned.  My girls could not fathom this and it was hard to explain to them why the kids thought this when I myself really didn't understand the logic.  In the end I told them to just drop it because they wouldn't be able to change their cousins minds.

The ex's siblings had no problem excluding me by talking in Spanish knowing full well I didn't understand.  And then laughing and making jokes about the fact.  My grandma tried to turn the tables once but speaking to me in Polish when the sister was around, but the lesson was lost on her.  They just didn't get it.  It wasn't until a year or two before I left that I just said I'm done with this shit and stopped going on visits and participating when they came over. 

So I wrote all that to say I am still looking for that validation and acceptance from others.  I keep looking for others to tell me that I am enough, that I am worthy, that I am (fill in the blank). But learning and accepting the fact that those things can only come from within is a hard lesson.  I need to learn to be gentle with myself and how to love myself and discover my own self worth.  My validation of myself should be the most important.  Realizing this is the first step.  I know the road forward will be paved with missteps and falls but that's part of life.

Thanks for "listening".