Hi, Hello, I'm Still Here!

 I know, it's been a minute or several.
 I'm sorry. Life has been lifing and the world as we know it is unrecognizable.

Bitter, my now 14 year old cat, was diagnosed with diabetes in February.
Shortly after we started her on insulin, she spiked her glucose to well over 600.
She scared the shit out of me/us. But after two days of vigilant care at home and 
all day treatment at our vet for those two days, she bounced back and is holding her own now.
*knock on wood*.  Her ears are still troublesome. She developed another abscess from
the recurring infection. So that required yet another visit and antibiotics.

Jack decided to escape and was not pleased with his impromptu adventure. It took us close to 
three hours to find him and wrangle him to get him back in the house. My Beloved was injured
in the process, bites and scratches. He went to urgent care immediately afterwards and go his own
round of antibiotics to take.  He has healed nicely and uneventfully. They were worried that he could
have developed cellulitis. But thankfully that didn't happen.

One of the ducks is nesting. She has hatched two, one survived, and she is sitting on one more egg.

Now, we're just trying to survive the heat. High 90s and maybe some triple digits this week.

Hope all is well in your corner of the Universe. 

Rabbit, Rabbit and Happy New Year

Image by Lars found on Pixabay. Script added by me in Canva.

Hello January, Welcome 2025!

Wishing you all good things, health, happiness, and prosperity in the new year!

I think my word for 2025 is going to be REBEL.
Kind of goes with my word from last year, UNBECOMING.
I think they might work together.

Unbecoming and Rebelling against all the things and all the boxes people have tried
to cram me into, to fit their narrative. Fuck that!
I'm tired of being small and silent and invisible.
I'm tired of being stuck in other peoples boxes.

We're dealing with Covid here. It's making the rounds through the house.
Everyone around us has either had the flu or covid, as well. So much for a 
Merry Christmas and all that. But it is what is and we're coping.

Bright blessings to you all in the coming year.

OH WTF Here we go again

I never ever thought this would happen...AGAIN! 
But here we are...AGAIN!

My Grandma must be rolling over in her grave right now.
Her husband, my Grandpa, died fighting the Dictator in WWII.
Leaving her a widow in her 20s. Then said dictator's army stole 
her home from her, the home my Grandpa built himself. 

She, I believe, was part of the resistance back in her day living
under a communist regime.  I wish I knew the whole story, but
instead I have to play what would grandma do.

Right now, I grieve.
RIP Democracy.
I'm terrified. I'm angry. I'm at a loss for words.

Odds are I will lose my insurance once he takes over. 
But who fucking knows. It's all just so fucking doom and gloom
right now.

What he can or can't do, what he will or won't do...Only time will tell.

Image found on FB

Checking In

I'm still here. 
Still plugging along.
Wanting to write, but not having the words.

It's been too hot to think. We had a long run of triple digit days.
It's finally broken, for now. Hopefully the break lasts.

We have a 187thousand acre+ wildfire blazing about 27 miles from us.
The smoke has been terrible. 
We are safe!

We have chickens again. But we lost one a couple of weeks ago.
We tried to save her and we thought we did for a day. 
We also have ducks again. They are around four months old.

I have good days and bad days with the POTS and Fibro, as one does.

But I am still here.

Happy Leap Year!!!

 

Happy New Year, dear ones!

Hope it is a peaceful, lovely, happy, healthy, prosperous one!

I made it see the new year in a midnight. Promptly went to bed by 12:20 AM.
The cat however, had other ideas and wanted to keep me awake. I told him, "KC,
my dear boy, this is NOT how we are starting out the new year. Now lay your 
happy ass down." It still took me a bit to fall asleep after that, but that's just the way
it is these days.  Oh and he did lay his happy ass down, BTW 😉

This is the first time I've really had a tough time coming up with a Word of the Year.
I am bring with me again, because we aren't done yet, SACRED and SOVEREIGNTY.
I think ALIGNMENT, too.  But I always like to have a new word.  I've mulled a few over.
But, nothing was or is jumping out too much. Then, sometime before the clock struck 12,
I saw someone post something about UNBECOMING. 

Now I know that sounds a bit, um...unconventional? perhaps. But...I feel like I need to go 
through an unravel, unpacking, UNBECOMING of ALL the things I was told I was or 
wasn't, all the lies I was told about me, all the boxes people tried to or put me into. It almost 
sounds fitting.

It fits into the running theme I have been seeing to about letting go of old beliefs, old
patterns, old habits, things that don't serve me any longer. Let's see what happens!

Blessed Yule, Happy Winter Solstice

 

I thought I would pop in to wish everyone that reads my ramblings a Blessed  Yule 
and a Happy Solstice. 

I've sadly come to dislike the holidays around this time. They are just so stressful and 
overwhelming.  I'm supposed to be avoiding stress and reducing it as best as I can and then
people spring shit on you like let's do a white elephant exchange....last minute.  It's supposed 
to be something you don't want and give that as a gift. 1) I don't have anything I want to give 
away. and 2) Nobody wants my shit anyway.  None of these people share my interests.

It's bad enough that Christmas Eve is the anniversary of my dad's passing.
Then everything in the world that is going on. And the pressure to people please with gifts
you don't have the finances for. All the pressure from consumerism in general to buy this, 
buy that. Spend spend spend.  UGH!!! It sucks!

The pressure to participate in things that make me uncomfortable...(the white elephant exchange).

Can I just go hide somewhere until all of this is over?

What's New?

 Well first, New Moon Blessings and Happy (almost) Yule!

So what's new?

After two separate MRIs of my spine Upper/Mid (cervical/thoracic) and Lumbar/Sacral I still have no answers of why things hurt, tingle, feel numb, weak, etc.  Nothing is glaringly obvious. No pinched nerves or anything requiring surgery. At that point, the spine specialist saw no reason to keep me coming back and released me from her care.  Though, if things got worse or new things cropped up I could come back.

In June I was finally referred to cardiology.  Adjusting my thyroid meds did nothing to alleviate the palpitations and flutters I kept having. Anxiety at times felt like it was through the roof too.  

In July, before even seeing me I was given a 14 day heart monitor to wear. It was quite the fashion statement <cheeky grin>.  Wearing it in the heat was getting quite unbearable at the end and I couldn't wait to take it off. It made showering a challenge as well.  I didn't always click it but it also said that I didn't have to, whether I did or not things would get  recorded. Clicking it just was kind of a marker for them to look at.

There as a lot of unnecessary fiasco around getting into see the doctor. I got one appointment, then I got called to schedule an appointment. When I asked about me original one, it apparently did not exist. It vanished. Then the day before my appointment, I get a text reminder. And 15 minutes later, an irate employee that claimed to be "the only who schedules these appoints" even though I have talked to no less than 3 people prior already...insisted that there was absolutely no reason why I had to see the "actual doctor".   He was like based on your results blah blah blah. To which I told him I don't even know what my results are.  He response was "oh you JUST have tachycardia" so you don't need to see the cardiologist you're fine seeing a PA. I was so shocked, stunned, bewildered, flustered... that I didn't know how to respond. He basically bullied me into agreeing to the new appointment because he made it sound like I had no choice. 

I can advocate my ass off for anyone else. But when it comes to doing it for me, I get so anxious and scared that I can't find my words.

I finally get in to see the PA (a week later). And he is so focused on my dental issues and kept asking if I was sure I didn't do drugs.  Dude...I don't fucking do drugs.  Him: but are you sure, because dental issues like yours are indicative.... Me: NO! I don't do drugs. Never have, never will. My issues are hereditary, health related, and I'm terrified of the dentist. Just talking about it is cause my anxiety to escalate. He apologized but you could still see the suspicion/doubt.

Then he asks me about what kind of work have I done. Do I work now, why not? Would it be more prudent to me and make my life better if I went and got a job? Are you in contact with your kids? (PS He noted this shit in my chart!  Never even let me finish telling what kind of work I did in the past so it just says I worked fast food.  He'd ask me something and cut me off mid answer.)
Well Mr. PA sir, I worked in more than just fast food. I wasn't just a burger flipper.  AND I full intend to enlighten him if I see him again. He asked me if I had a college education. WTF does this have to do with my heart???

After running a couple of  tests in the office, his assessment is POTS.  Gave me a very clinic handout. Something I would expect to read if I was in med school. Told me to go home, limit my stress,  do exercise, increase my water and salt intake and come back in three months.  WTF?  All very generic answers.  OH and to start wearing compression wear.  There was no, hey look add this much salt, try drinking xx amount of water/fluids a day, look into these exercises...NOTHING. I told him I do have Fibro and exercise intolerance and he just says well do what you can within reason. ????? Is it so hard to give suggestions or recommendations? 

I talked with my primary a week later and expressed my concerns and confusion with her. She told me had to ask about the drugs because they get all kinds of people. Okay, fine, I get that...but REPEATEDLY!!!???  She told me to just walk more for exercise, drink more water and add a bit of salt to each meal.  Funny thing is, when I asked her if it might be POTS, she dismissed me and questions. But I tell her what this guy says and she's all "oh it's POTS." Like did you know all this time?

I'm supposed to see this guy again next month.  I just don't know.  She said if it's POTS he can manage it, but I'm just not sure about him. I don't know what to do. I don't feel very confident about him, not sure if I'm comfortable with him either.  He mentioned doing an ECHO and a stress test, then decided to wait until the three month visit. But surprise, he went and ordered the ECHO anyway.  To which someone put on my file something about THYMOMA. When I asked the nurse about when he called me to tell me the results, he had no idea why it was there or who charted it like that. Told me to not worry about it for now since I've never had any surgeries or anything.

When I think back over the years the symptoms have been there for a long time, just like Fibro. With the POTS though, I think having had "that virus" last  year sent it into overdrive and really made it come out. At least now though I have confirmation.

Reduce my stress...HA! That's a joke.  Besides being impossible.

Checking In

Well, it's been another hot minute or two.

Okay, okay almost 4 months.  

I'd been doing physical therapy since last September, starting with twice a week.
Then went to once a week after I recovered from C-19.

A few more hiccups that kept me from visits here and there. Like in February/March,
when my therapist ended up with Scarlet Fever. "Mom" got sick before that, and oh 
weather kept me from going also.

Finally got back to it in March, only for us to figure out that I am plateauing. I saw my
spine specialist in April, we discussed this. And at her recommendation, we decided to
put PT on hold at least until after I had a MRI of my C-spine and Thoracic spine. Sadly,
this worked out because my physical therapist was moving to a different office that is
way too far for me to travel to.

I got my results a couple of days ago. The good news is I don't have any tumors or pinched
nerves. Nothing requiring surgery. I have some degeneration, spinal stenosis, bone spurs in my 
C-spine area. They also saw a renal cyst on my kidney and an esophageal cyst. The latter, 
after doing a Google search, appears to be a congenital malformation.  Apparently rare. 
The spine specialist really couldn't tell me anything about it because she never heard of it.
This makes me wonder if this is what was wrong with my dad when he was a baby. He would
not nurse or take a bottle. He had to be spoon fed. And even as an adult he had issues with 
food and eating. So if he had a birth defect that causes dysphasia it would make sense, sort of. 
If this is indeed then what I have and the MRI notes say I have this malformation, then that
explains why I have trouble myself sometimes.

All in all, there is nothing further she can do for me.  Since we have now ruled out all the 
things she would have treated me for.  I could tell she felt bad that she couldn't find answers
for me.  She is leaning towards a connective tissue disorder or a soft tissue disorder. But 
because this is all out of her scope of expertise, it's back to my Primary Doctor I go.

Honestly I am very relieved that I don't need any spinal surgery and that all that is wrong with
my spine is the degeneration and spurs, the stuff they found on the lumbar MRI, and the stenosis.
Finding out you have a birth defect at 53 is kind of mind-blowing.
Thinking back to my childhood, and how I was always picked on for being a slow or picky eater.
I wonder now was this the cause?

I hope I am strong enough to advocate for myself when I go see my doctor in a few weeks.

When You Still Don't Have Answers

 To recap, just in case I didn't actually write about or if I did to bring things into context.

Back in December 2021, I mentioned to one of my primary doctors that I've been have numbness and weakness in my arms and hands.  Sometimes it happens even when I'm laying in bed flat, or I can be laying on my left side and the right side goes tingly or vice versa. He said it was out of his wheelhouse and would refer me out.  I was perfectly okay with this.

A few months later I still hadn't heard anything so I called where I was referred to. They said it would be a 12 - 18 month wait, and that I should call in the summer to see where things stood. Fast forward to late autumn and still no appointment. And my referral is about to expire.  So I call the place I was referred to yet again only to be told there was a miscommunication and some faxes lost in limbo somewhere. 

I found out the wait was for a neurologist, but I was in fact referred to a neurosurgeon. That wait was only supposed to be 6 weeks.  They decided to gather information from my physical therapist and attempt to reach my primary again and review everything.  Neurosurgeon team decided I might benefit from a spine specialist first so that's where I ended up.  

She ordered an MRI of my lumbar region and nerve test on my arms.  Never having had a MRI done, I had no idea what to expect. Or if I would have a panic attack in the middle of it because I didn't know if I'd freak out in the tight space.  On top of that, I've been dealing with a cold for over two weeks and was sure I'd have a coughing fit in the middle of it.  In hopes of preventing that, I took a dose of Dayquil and a Benadryl for good measure. Also told the techs just in case. I made it through uneventfully, thank goodness.

At my follow up with the specialist we reviewed my results.  The good news is I don't need spinal surgery. The bad news is that we really don't have any answers to the cause of my pain. I don't have anything pinched which is good. But I do have early disc degeneration and a small tear in my disc at L5/S1. And arthritis in my lower spine. Despite all of this, she still can't tell me what is the cause of the pain. 

It could be all just the fibromyalgia. It could be that in addition to the arthritis, and bursitis which I have in my hip(s). It could be all of the above and/or soft tissue pain. It could be something they haven't diagnosed yet.

Next week I have my nerve test done. It is in part to determine if I have carpal tunnel or not, and if I do then to what degree. Depending on the out come I may or may not have an MRI of the neck and upper spine.  I'm also scheduled to see a chiropractor next month. And then back to the specialist in March.

I wish diagnosing me wasn't so complicated. So we're in a process of elimination pattern now. In the mean time, I am to continue with physical therapy even though sometimes I feel like I'm failing.

I need to come up with questions for my specialist, I just don't know what to ask. Mainly I want to know what can I do for the pain, especially on the really bad days. And what are some other possible causes, we started to touch on that but got sidetracked.

I think the worst part is the not knowing. Along with being unable to explain to others how I feel. When you have an invisible illness, it's hard for others to understand. It's equally hard for us to explain.  So many think oh if you just move more or do this exercise or lose X amount of weight or take this pill or that pill you are magically cured.

I have friends that going through similar things with chronic pain, arthritis, fibro, etc that are on medications and they've told me that none of it makes the pain go away. It's always there. On a good day, the meds just take the edge off.  I'm finding these days that over the counter stuff isn't really touching the pain. But I'm terrified to try anything else.  I've read about so many  horror stories that it makes me hesitant to ask for  or to try anything.  Still though, I think it is something I will have to talk to the specialist about.

So grateful for doctors that listen and not judge you.
In a recent visit with one of my primary doctors, he recognized that I was having an episode of PTSD during the exam and held my hand through it all while he using soothing words and assuring me that I was safe. I think it was the first time I full on had an episode in the midst of an exam.  So thankful he saw it and recognized for what it was, and helped me through it.

Until next time.... Bright Blessings

Is This Really How You Wanna Start Out 2023???

 I, we are beyond heartbroken.

This is  not how the year is supposed to start.

JUST NO!!!!!!!!!

Our beautiful, rambunctious, lovable St. Bernard died within the last hour 
of my writing this. She went outside to potty and play with one of our other
dogs. From what I understand she started coming up the, which isn't all that
big, and just collapsed.
Beloved and his mom tried desperately to revive her but without luck. She
was just gone. 
She was only 6 years, 4 months, and 1 day old.  

She had been to the vet sometime in the late summer/early fall for a limp.
Blood work at the time and x-rays of the leg didn't show anything out of 
the ordinary.  She was maybe 8 lbs overweight but we changed it up and
she had lost a couple pounds.

This beautiful crazy girl was one of a kind.

Go forth Georgia over the Rainbow Bridge.  Find Fred and tell him how
much we miss him.  Find my sweet Sylvie and tell her how much I miss her 
and love her.

Georgia and Sylvie

Georgia and Fred

I wish I had words to take Mom's pain away. Georgia was really her baby, but we
all loved her. This is going to leave a really big hole in all of our hearts.

Good-Bye 2022 Hello 2023

 I did it again. Unintentionally, but here it is 9 months since I last posted.

I'm sorry I've been away. I will try to do better. Life just has a funny way 
interrupting you.

After two years I caught it. I got Covid for my birthday. I told the giver to 
return it as I didn't want it, but it was apparently nonreturnable. 

Lingering affects of it: Covid fatigue, Covid fog (on top of the already 
existing Fibro Fog...it's awful y'all), and there might be a third thing
but I'm trying and hoping I'm not overreacting or seeing zebras when it's 
only horses.

I get an MRI in 2 weeks or so to find out what's going on with me. It's 
going to be of my lumbar area, though I really think she should have 
asked for a full spine. Especially since I may end up with an upper series
anyway.  Either way, I'm hoping for some answers.

PT is helping a little bit. But Covid set me way back. It's like I'm basically
starting over...almost. And with the fatigue, it's making it ever slower 
going.

We rescued another cat. He is number nine in our current family of cats. 
He's also the youngest as he's now around 7-9 months old. We believe
he was thrown from a vehicle. It took over a month to catch him. Part of that
time he had disappeared.  He has neurological deficits in his hind legs. For
a bit there he wasn't even able to use the box without human assistance.
At his most recent visit, he was up to almost 9 lbs. He will be on prednisone 
for the rest of his life. We are in the process of finding he lowest effective 
dose.  The vet said that while he may not have a long life of say 15-18 years,
we can hope for at least 5 good years with him.  We've named him Jack.

Jack

Anyhoo...I just want to stop in and say "I'm still here!"
I wish you all a very Happy New Year. May it be better than the last two years.

Oh HAI! Remember Me?

Well there I go again, disappearing from the blogosphere for almost 3 months.
I didn't mean to.  It just...happens.

Since I've last written, I've lost 5 lbs, gained it back, and lost it again. I'm 
currently seeing a nutritionist at my doctor's office once a month. I go in again
to see her next week to see where I'm at.  She wants me to try to reduce my carb
intake, keep my calorie count at about 1200.  Eat more nutrient dense foods. 
Ditch the soda and sweets. I'm trying.  I'm managing to keep my soda down to a
half of a 16 or 20 oz. bottle. Some days I don't even drink any. I haven't even
wanted any sweets like cake or cookies or ice cream.  
Yet, I feel guilty for wanting to make better food choices and eat better. Food 
prices are getting higher and higher.  It's cheaper to eat crap food, but it's not 
good for me. I've been noticing how certain foods make me feel like crap too, 
something I didn't really pay much attention to before.

Finally got the results of my cortisol test explained. I have adrenal dysfunction.
I'm stuck in "Fight or Flight" mode.  They've added PS and fish oil to my daily
meds. She won't go so far as to diagnose me with PTSD.  She said that due
to my history I have it, but she doesn't want to put that label on me if she can help it.
And I understand her reasoning, I'm just glad she confirmed what I suspected. It
makes me feel a little less like it's all in me head.  People in my past have been 
real good at telling me it's all in my head or that wasn't that bad or that I was
making something out of nothing. You know how it goes.

I'm insulin resistant so I'm on Metformin.  We dropped the estrogen because
it was causing me to bleed. But my cycles are so crazy now, I don't know what it's 
doing.

There was a question of whether or not I had high blood pressure, because when I 
go in it's always so high. But when I monitor it at home it's "normal". But a visit to
the eye doctor answered that question.  They have this really cool camera that takes
a picture of the inside of your eyes. It was so amazing to see the inside of my eyes.
It's like there is a nebula or galaxy in there. He pointed out all the veins and arteries, 
muscles and nerves, even my floaters.  Two things it clearly shows is that I do not
have high blood pressure and there currently isn't any sign of diabetes.  I do have the
very beginning of a cataract in my right eye. But it's just a tiny spot and they can't do
anything about it right now.

I've been giving yoga a try.  I was doing okay for a couple of months, doing it twice
a week most weeks. But this month I have fallen off the yoga wagon. Between the 
pelvic pain and fibro pain, I've been so hesitant to even try. I feel like crap for not doing
it.  I don't know if it was helping any, but I was enjoying it even if I can't do it well.  
My flexibility sucks.  There are also moves that my nutritionist has told me is off limits.
She doesn't even want me to attempt them. And if there is a move I try that causes me
pain, I'm to not do it either.  Like Downward Dog and Cobra poses are not to be done
at all.  Some things she will allow me to do so long as I modify them and use props.

I guess when I chose SACRED/SOVEREIGNTY, I didn't expect to get such lessons
in how hard it is to choose one's self.  I've always found self care difficult. But now, I 
don't really have a choice.  I have to choose me.  It's hard, it is so fucking hard! 
People have a way of making you feel guilty for it whether they mean to or not,
whether they do it knowingly or not. I have a hard enough time not guilt tripping myself,
I don't need outside help to do it.

I think that's it for now.
I feel like there's more, but I just can't think of it.
I'll try not to stay away for so long.  
Stay safe out there.

Happy New Year's Eve...Eve

 It's been a little bit since I posted here.

I seem to do that...too often.  But life, ya know.

After a year of bullshit, my insurance is finally sorted out.
There's still some portion of my bill that the doctor's office is trying to get sorted and paid
but for now, it is not for me to worry about. Or so I have been told.

Every time I've gone to the doctor's office these last couple of months, I end up coming out
with another new prescription.  So far we've added a second thyroid medication, magnesium, ashwaghanda, Vitamin D at 10,000 units, estrogen, and metformin.  It's been interesting and 
challenging trying to get all the timing of taking each thing right, mostly because the thyroid meds 
cannot be taken with anything else.  
I've been told I am insulin resistant.
I had to do a cortisol test and that came back high. Though, I don't know what it means and what
will be done about it. Maybe I will find out on Monday.
Waiting for a referral to a neurologist.  It could be a bit for that though.

We've finally gotten some decent snow. Between 6 and 8 inches so far since yesterday.  Got about 4 or
so with yesterday's snow and topped it off with the snow from today.  More on the way though, so who 
knows what we will end up with.

I  dropped the ball with a  lot of things this year.
Art.  Writing.  Photography.
My own personal path, which I am currently totally lost on.

I am hoping that in 2022 I will be able to focus on these things.
To step into living a creative life and having a full creative practice.
I am hoping I will be able to seek the sacred and find my way to my path.
Whatever it might be.  Still hearing the name Cerridwen come up. A LOT!
I don't know what to do with it though.

As I do every year, I look to choose a word of the year.  I have done this since 2011.
A few weeks ago, SOVEREIGN/TY started showing up.  I thought it was a fluke and 
continued seeking a word. But the more I would seek, the more this word showed up.
Along with SACRED, which I had already decided to care forward another year because we weren't
done with each other yet for obvious reasons. Then wouldn't you know it...the Universe starts throwing
SACRED SOVEREIGNTY out at me.  I guess I had better take the hint. But what will I do with this?
I have no clue.  I guess I will be finding out though.  I hope.

Thanks for sticking by me and continuing to read my random and sporadic posts.
I hope to do better at posting in the coming year.
Wish you all a Happy Healthy Prosperous New Year.
May it be filled with Magic Love and All Good Things.
Blessings to you and yours

Epiphanies

It's been a bit, once again.
I have been in that want to write but don't know what to say mode.

It's been hot and gross in my neck of the woods.  Triple digits for days.
Record breaking temperatures. And the Smoke!!  Good Grief the Smoke!!!
We are finally have a break from the heat. To the point I'm able to wear my 
light sweats and sweatshirt cool. It's nice.  Yet at the same time, I am weary 
of what the Winter will hold.  Most people are predicting a hard to very hard
Winter given what are Summer has been. The last "Hot" Summer we had brought
us what has been dubbed "Snowmaggeden".  Thus my concern.

And so with the heat and humidity, I just haven't felt like much of anything.
Yet I think I had an epiphany or two, maybe even a few.

While on a Zoom call a few weeks ago, we were talking about if I was a good fit
for the class she was offering.  We touched a bit on family roots and how many of
us have been disconnected from the land.  I know I am a long way from the land of
my people. As far as I know, my people were mostly farmers.  During our conversation,
I mentioned this, but it was after that I realized that I have been trying to connect to 
that for a long time.  It was a light bulb moment, when during the conversation I wasn't
sure that the class was totally for me.  But afterwards, I realized I was already in some
way on that path.

Also during that call, we talked about how I have been wanting to take a class by a 
particular teacher. But finances have prevented me from doing so.  Yet during our chat,
something else was mentioned.  It must have come through unconsciously from me, but 
she picked up on it.  I don't feel worthy of it.  That feeling of not enoughness must have 
been shining brightly.

Fast forward to this week.  I'm watching the videos from a 3 day free course that was offered
by Sage. I've only watched the first video so far. But again...epiphany.

I don't prioritize myself.  Or my writing. Or my art. Or even my photography practice.
Why? Well, the answer is simple yet complex.  

I don't feel worthy.  I don't feel like any of my practices are worth working on.  I don't allow
myself to do them because I'm afraid of failing. But also because I'm afraid of how my practices
will make others feel.  I place more value on what others think I should do or want me to do over 
what I want to do.  I'm convinced I will fail.  I spend time staying "busy" with nonsense so that
others won't fell like I have abandon them by doing one of the things I want to do like art or 
writing.

I have a list of art projects. I have another list of crochet projects. And still another list of 
sewing projects.  I have had another story idea, that is niggling at the corners of my brain
for attention.  I've just in the last day started thinking of making or printing out a "Do Not
Disturb" sign for my art cave.  One side for arting, the other side for writing.

I am sometimes made to feel bad if I want to get up early or stay up late to do writing (or art).
If I do get up a bit earlier than usual, I end up not doing what I intended but instead I fall down
the internet rabbit hole of nothingness.  It is so easy to let myself get sidetracked and distracted.
Sometimes it's just easier to let myself be distracted by nothing. Even if it makes me feel 
terrible that I am denying myself the things I want to do for me.

After all this time, I've come to realize that I am still not choosing me. That I am still not making
myself and my desires a priority.  I need to change that.  But can I? Will I?

Oh Imposter Syndrome

I have not missed this feeling.
But does it ever really go away.
I've been trying hard to ignore it.
That's not working out so well.
It sure is starting to rear it's very ugly head here again.

I've been trying to play with my camera a bit more often.
I started thinking today about maybe entering into the photography
competitions at the 2 local fairs coming up.
And oh boy did that feeling like an imposter rear it's very ugly head!

I have waited to enter anything because  I wanted to do it under my 
current name, not my former name.  Stupid reason probably. But there 
it is.  And then factor in that I don't feel skilled or adequate enough to 
enter.  I've been to the one fair a couple of times.  And let me tell you, 
I sure don't feel like I can even begin to compete even at the armature level.

I don't qualify as an advanced armature.  I don't even fully understand what 
that even means.  The upside is, if I do enter anything as an armature it doesn't
cost me anything, except my pride maybe.  The only cost I would have is to have
the photo(s) printed and mounted.

It's crazy that I think about this, these competitions all year. Then when it 
comes time to consider entering, I get cold feet.  Really the imposter syndrome
just rises up and it is very overwhelming.  Paralyzing even.

It makes me feel like I have to right to even try.
You know, who do I think I am.

I have always had an interest in photography.
Even back when I had a film camera.  One of those cheap 35mm ones.  I think
back then, the most expensive one I had was about 99 dollars or so. 
Then around 2003 or so I moved up to a rather inexpensive digital camera.  It too,
only cost me about 100 dollars.  
I didn't feel like had the right to indulge in my interest.  Or to invest in what 
could have been a deeper passion at the time.  I didn't feel like I was allowed
or worth it.

So now, here I am trying to give myself permission.
To explore. To practice. To maybe some day do something with my pictures.
I'm not much of portrait photographer. I  am more into nature and landscape,
wildlife, that sort of thing.

It's just another one of those things I need to overcome. But do we ever really?

June Already?

 I can't believe that it is already June!!
I mean....didn't we just have New Year's?
Days are flying by and blending into each other.
And I don't like it!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around my new status.
Getting everything changed is a bit of a challenge. 
I can't do anything until I get it processed in one place.
Which was a bit frustrating, thanks to COVID.
There was nothing on their website saying you can't go in.
So, I tried to go in only to find the doors locked.
Sign said make an appointment.  I tried to do so.  Only to find
out, it is NOT possible to make appointments except for emergencies.
They have a drop box that closes promptly at NOON! 
You have to do all requests via that box.
Yesterday I got a letter stating it was being processed. Two days 
prior, I got my documents back.  (SIGH of relief!!)

You don't know how uneasy I was to drop off my only copy and my
passport card in a drop box. Then have to wait to get them back.  I could
envision all sorts of things going wrong. Them getting lost or stolen.
I over think too much and jump to worse case scenarios to fast.
Now I just have to wait for that new card to come. If I understand right,
with that letter, I can now proceed to changing it in all the other places too.

June started off with a heat wave.  Broke a record yesterday, they say we
hit 103!!!  The day ended in some crazy weather.  Thunder and lightening.
And a fuck ton of wind!!  Even stronger than what brought the tree down on 
us a few years ago.  Some scrap wood almost flew through a back window.
Mom ran out to secure it but the wind was so bad she needed help.

Then I tried to tuck some stuff under the 5th wheel but the wind was trying to 
blow it all out right from under it.  I got stuck out there, hugging the side of the 
5th wheel because the wind picked up so bad I couldn't move.  Branches were 
flying. The rose trellis got  ripped out of the side of the house. Nails and all!!!
I finally said a prayer, gathered up my hair which was flying every which way 
and made a mad dash for the front of the house.  

I considered just going into the 5th wheel but it was rocking so much I was
honestly afraid it would blow down the hill with me in it.  Though, my being
against the one side of it while said rocking was going on wasn't any safer.  If 
it flipped, I was gonna be a pancake!  Hence the choice to tuck tail and run for it.

And then we lost power for about 6 hours!
Then we heard sirens, there was an accident up on the interstate, which we could see
from the front yard.  The lights not the actual accident. Then I could hear what sounded
like heavy equipment, either the jaws of life or chain saws.  Hope everyone was okay.

I know there's a lot of cleansing and releasing going on.  With the full moon and the 
eclipse and Mercury retrograde, and all that. And winds are cleansing. BUT...HOLY
FUCK that was a bit much.

Hope your June is off to a rather LESS eventful start!

It's Done

It's official!! Finally!!

There were a couple of small hiccups, clerical errors.  Nothing crazy.  
Everything finally got corrected and submitted. 

The decree has been finalized.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel.

Relief?  I think.

Yet, there's the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Like there's some hidden surprise lurking in the shadows.
And not in a good way.

I'm sure it's all just my brain falling back to old patterns.
It's what I know. It's what's familiar. Something I need to unlearn.

Next week is when I go around to all the places to file for name change.
Should be interesting.

Now that I have my name again, I wonder how many times I might make a mistake
and write the wrong last name after so many years.  

Part of me feels overwhelmed.
Part of me feels relief.
Part of me feels numb or shocked, maybe both.
At least I think that's how I feel.
How am I supposed to feel?
I've never done this before.

This is a whole new experience. One I hope not to repeat, ever again.
That's easy enough to accomplish though.

The price of this freedom though, cost me dearly. In ways I cannot even begin to describe.

Still Waiting, But

 Trying to be patient.  Trying not to feel like the proverbial other shoe is going to drop.

I had not heard anything for almost three weeks. But got an email yesterday stating that the final papers were accepted and just waiting now for them to be signed.  So this is really happening?! It doesn't feel real.  Not yet at least.

Then I got a call from my doctor's office that my pre-authorization is about to expire and what did I want to do.  The nurse wasn't clear on what all the notes in my file from the billing manager were about.  So I had to explain it all to her and she literally groaned over the mess.  

Since that has all been on the back burner, I hadn't really thought about going through with it.  I've ponder, however, what if I don't do it.  What if I just live with it?  I mean, I'm functioning with the pain.  It's not a keep me in bed for days kind of pain. It's just feels like constant period pain, some days are more intense than others.  Sometimes it will catch me off guard if I move wrong or sneeze or cough.  But I can live with it, can't I? It's true that OTC pain relief doesn't hardly touch it. But I can still function.  Or am I only deluding myself because I'm afraid to go through with it?  I don't know.  I just don't know.

Insurance stuff is still at a stand still too.  They won't give me any information. Nor will they give it to my doctor's office.  Some how I think that is illegal.  They won't talk to me because I'm not the primary. And they won't talk to her without the ID numbers.  He said he will drop me from his insurance as soon as things are finalized. But I shouldn't have been on it in the first place!  I did not consent. Nor did I sign anything!!  It's just fucked up. And a big mess!  It shouldn't even be happening, but it is. And I feel powerless.

People keep asking me why has it taken so long to do the divorce.  Why did he wait so long? Or why did I?  I didn't have the money.  I didn't know how long I had to wait to file in my state.  Legal Aide wouldn't help me.  I asked for a divorce several times before I even left and he refused.  He knew for a long time, even before I left that it was what I wanted.  I had heard on more than one occasion from mutuals that he was filing then he wasn't. Then he was, then he wasn't.  I heard that a few times over the last few years.  It was like a carrot being dangle to perhaps get my hopes up.  I honestly don't know.  I stopped trying to figure it out.  Even the lawyers and Legal Aide that I consulted with asked me this.  I had no answers.  I don't understand why it even matters.  

I know that there are plenty of people who separated and never divorced. The majority was amicable and something that both parties were okay with. My own parents are an example of a couple who separated but never divorced.  Though neither of them could have afforded to file.  And my dad always held out a faint hope of them getting back together.  It never happened though.  

It is not a question that should be asked of  abuse survivors either.  You don't know the hows or the whys of the things. You don't know what you could be triggering by asking such questions.  Or by making the victim feel like they have done something wrong by not filing.  You just don't know so stop fucking judging!!!  Yes you can hear the judgmental tone when they ask.

So that's the gist of things at the moment. Still waiting.

Spring Blessings And Unexpected Happenings

 

Image credit: Wendy Andrew

First Happy SPRING!  Blessed Ostara!!!  
Spring is blowing in like a lion here.
Winds are expected to be 15-25 MPH with 30 MPH gusts.
Which is making it quite chilly despite the blue skies and sunshine.

I have been having the oddest dreams of late.
I dreamt of my late grandmother, who was laying her head in my lap
looking at me silently while I stroked her hair.

The other night, I dreamt of being an room with a huge picture window.
It was dark and grey outside the window, it started snowing.
Then I saw a big blue/dark blue butterfly.
And then another, then a few more, and yet a few more. All fluttering 
and swirling in the wind and snow. Next there were just dozens of them,
coming in wave after wave, spiraling higher and higher into the sky.
I just sat and watched it in awe.

I looked up the meaning of the butterfly and the blue one specifically.
It seems to be a good omen.  So fingers crossed!

So let's see.  Insurance drama...  I believe I told y'all that the reason I 
have been having issues with my claims being denied is because the 
not yet Ex has had me on his insurance without my knowledge or 
consent.  I tried getting myself off it, but they wouldn't even talk to me.
They just kept telling me I have to talk to HIM about it.  Which, of
course, caused me to have a melt down. I talked to my doctor's office
about it, but I haven't yet heard back from the lady there.

Well somewhere in the middle of all this, I got divorce papers in the mail!
Someone must of tipped him off about the insurance stuff because he made
sure to mention that as soon as it's finalized, he would drop me.  But I still 
don't have access to the information even though I am more than likely 
entitled to the coverage regardless.
He has gotten ALL of my stimulus money.  And I have not seen or gotten 
a dime of it.  *SIGH!*  It's frustrating!!  I did ask him to send me the last
installment because it was probably going to go to him again before I could
even attempt to try to claim it again.  Because I did try to get it the first time
around, and my papers kept getting rejected.  And I finally did the where is it
request, and that's how I found out that it went to him. 

People in my situation have almost no recourse.  Domestic Violence victims
have no way to get what they are entitled to, and are pretty much forced
to contact the abuser. Which of course leads down a dangerous road for the victims.
Probably why I believe most victims are not pursuing getting their 
portion of the funds from their abuser.

But anyway, we'll see what happens.  I've been told by several people that I should
open up an claim of some sort to get my half.  That I should fight for it.  I don't know 
if I have the energy for that.

If all goes well, the divorce should be finalized this time next month.
Fingers crossed!

Still No Changes

 It's been almost a month now, and still I have no word on what is happening with the insurance.

I have been waiting for her to get back to me with what kind of insurance it is I am supposedly on, 
so I can figure out how to get off it.  

I tried calling the company itself, but without the numbers they won't help me and to make it worse,
they keep telling me I need to talk to HIM.  They want me to contact my abuser.  
HELL FUCKING NO!

My pain has been all over the place.
Some days are manageable and others it feels like I'm being stabbed on the inside.
Even more fun when the pain in my thighs start. Which has been really flaring for the last two days.

I can't go to the doctor because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't have surgery because of the insurance bullshit.
I can't do anything because of the insurance bullshit.

If I want a divorce, I have to come up with at least $1800!  Could go up to $3500 or more 
depending on the situation.  Which of course I don't have.

I don't get the stimulus money because it all goes to him!!!
And if I want to fight it, and end up needing a lawyer for that, I'd probably end up with nothing
because they'd take it all in the fees no doubt.

I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place with no recourse.
I feel like I have no options.

It's like being lost in a maze of mirrors and there seems to be no way out.
This all just sucks!

But we did get snow.  Almost a foot!!
So that's something :D