Epiphanies

It's been a bit, once again.
I have been in that want to write but don't know what to say mode.

It's been hot and gross in my neck of the woods.  Triple digits for days.
Record breaking temperatures. And the Smoke!!  Good Grief the Smoke!!!
We are finally have a break from the heat. To the point I'm able to wear my 
light sweats and sweatshirt cool. It's nice.  Yet at the same time, I am weary 
of what the Winter will hold.  Most people are predicting a hard to very hard
Winter given what are Summer has been. The last "Hot" Summer we had brought
us what has been dubbed "Snowmaggeden".  Thus my concern.

And so with the heat and humidity, I just haven't felt like much of anything.
Yet I think I had an epiphany or two, maybe even a few.

While on a Zoom call a few weeks ago, we were talking about if I was a good fit
for the class she was offering.  We touched a bit on family roots and how many of
us have been disconnected from the land.  I know I am a long way from the land of
my people. As far as I know, my people were mostly farmers.  During our conversation,
I mentioned this, but it was after that I realized that I have been trying to connect to 
that for a long time.  It was a light bulb moment, when during the conversation I wasn't
sure that the class was totally for me.  But afterwards, I realized I was already in some
way on that path.

Also during that call, we talked about how I have been wanting to take a class by a 
particular teacher. But finances have prevented me from doing so.  Yet during our chat,
something else was mentioned.  It must have come through unconsciously from me, but 
she picked up on it.  I don't feel worthy of it.  That feeling of not enoughness must have 
been shining brightly.

Fast forward to this week.  I'm watching the videos from a 3 day free course that was offered
by Sage. I've only watched the first video so far. But again...epiphany.

I don't prioritize myself.  Or my writing. Or my art. Or even my photography practice.
Why? Well, the answer is simple yet complex.  

I don't feel worthy.  I don't feel like any of my practices are worth working on.  I don't allow
myself to do them because I'm afraid of failing. But also because I'm afraid of how my practices
will make others feel.  I place more value on what others think I should do or want me to do over 
what I want to do.  I'm convinced I will fail.  I spend time staying "busy" with nonsense so that
others won't fell like I have abandon them by doing one of the things I want to do like art or 
writing.

I have a list of art projects. I have another list of crochet projects. And still another list of 
sewing projects.  I have had another story idea, that is niggling at the corners of my brain
for attention.  I've just in the last day started thinking of making or printing out a "Do Not
Disturb" sign for my art cave.  One side for arting, the other side for writing.

I am sometimes made to feel bad if I want to get up early or stay up late to do writing (or art).
If I do get up a bit earlier than usual, I end up not doing what I intended but instead I fall down
the internet rabbit hole of nothingness.  It is so easy to let myself get sidetracked and distracted.
Sometimes it's just easier to let myself be distracted by nothing. Even if it makes me feel 
terrible that I am denying myself the things I want to do for me.

After all this time, I've come to realize that I am still not choosing me. That I am still not making
myself and my desires a priority.  I need to change that.  But can I? Will I?