That Age Old Question

Why the hell am I here???


That's what's been going around and around in my head lately.
The short...and of course long answer is, I have no clue.


I find myself feeling guilty for not doing the things I love and that make me happy.
I find myself frustrated that I just can't up and go somewhere because I want to.
Or more simply because I can.

These are the times I truly miss living in Brooklyn.  I could just go out to the store,
or to the library, or to the City.  I could  walk where I wanted, or take the bus, or even
the train.

No don't get me wrong, living rural does have a lot of pluses!!!
And I do enjoy it immensely.   But every now and then, I get that desire to go and do
and I can't and that's when I miss the freedom of living in Brooklyn.

But it's even more than that, it's deeper.
I have been thinking a lot about spirituality and faith.
The dreaded word: PRAYER.
I have a deep love/hate with that word.   But before I go off track here.

I've been thinking a lot about the Goddesses and church, of Mary,
and of Magdalene.
I've been questioning why did I feel called by Cerridwyn so many years ago,
and Bridget too, and yet feel like I can't hear them at all, even though I am certain
they called to me near on 15 years or so ago. Give or take.

Part of me feels like I am coming back around the circle and am finding myself
drawn back to Mary.  Even more so, the Magdalene.  I just don't even know where to
begin.  I am finding myself acquiring statuettes and little busts of Mary.  I want to
make and buy rosaries.  I want to pray on the beads, but not necessarily the traditional
way of my Catholic education.

I've been struggling with this whole idea, mind you.
I mean, I walked away from being Catholic.
From Christianity.
I feel I identify more as pagan, sometimes even more a witch other times more druid.
Mostly just a seeker.

But the more I've thought about it, the more Mary is making sense of sorts.
My grandmother was deeply devoted to the Virgin Mary.  I can't say if I know for sure if
both my grandmothers were, but I do know for certain one was.
I was informed on more than one occasion that she was petitioning the Blessed Mother on
my behalf. Or she was praying the rosary for me with some intention.
I heard growing up more times than I could count how the Blessed Mother saved them during
World War II.  There was a bombing run in 1945, where she was nursing her infant
daughter on the bed when it happened.  The whole house shook when the bombs feel, hitting
a small bridge about a mile away. It shattered their  windows, yet the house stood and the glass
did not cut her or the baby even though they were laying beneath one of the windows.
I am quite sure my father survived infancy because of prayers to Mary.  It's those
same prayers that saw them acquire the required documents and later cross the ocean to
come to the states.  And I know she prayed to her when my mother was carrying me and
later giving birth.
Giving all of this a lot of thought, and even though I don't know why I am here....I am
quite sure this is part of the reason why I here. If that makes sense.

After falling down the rabbit hole today by perhaps some divine bread crumbs, I came to discover that during Vatican II, the church tried to eradicate Mary and the Rosary from the Catholicism.
They said that the Rosary was a weapon.  Now, I don't know about other Catholic churches but I do know that my childhood church did not remove or hide statues of Mary, nor did the other church we would sometimes pop into to light a candle or  two.  I am not 100% sure, but I don't think St. Patrick's in NYC did either.  I was reading that many churches either hid her or removed her from the church entirely at the behest of Vatican II.
What I also learned today was that the rosary is older than the church itself.  That it was adopted by the church when people wouldn't stop praying on their beads.  That the medal of Mary isn't actually Mary, but of a much older goddess.  And that the usually symbol on the back is that of Innana.

So maybe there is a deeper reason to why I am feeling so drawn to it all.  And I don't know what to do with it all or how to follow it.  The innuendos about my thoughts and beliefs or curiosities can quite unnerve me at times.
And so, I fall into the same trap that holds me back from creating and do the things I love.  Vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it. 

I know the short answer is to just say FUCK IT! and do it anyway.  But that guilt and fear man....I tell ya....It's a bitch!

So all this rambling...to say what?  I don't know. The post was a little clearer when I first thought about writing.  Now I think I just sound maybe like I had too much wine lol.