December Reflections

Maybe it's a little too early to be doing a reflections type post.
I mean it is only the 6th after all.
But here I am doing it, and here it is.

Looking back somewhat over this year and  realizing all the shit I didn't do
once again.  The intentions were there, but they just didn't manifest the
way I had intended.

Take for example my idea to do 50 x 50.  50 paintings, by my 50th birthday.
When I was slapped with the inspiration stick to do that, I had about 88 days or
so to do it in.  Then the next thing I knew, my birthday was around the corner and
I was behind before I even got started.  Feels like an EPIC fail! 

I intended to commit to writing more this year.
I intended to commit to painting and art journaling more this year.
I intended to commit to working more with my camera this year.
And some where in there, I intended to work through my yarn stash.  Complete unfinished
projects. Use up the odd skein here and there. Also out the window was the Granny Square
a day thing. Or was that last year? I think that was last year. Maybe I was intending to revive
that this year?  I dunno, but it didn't happen either.
I have personal pillows I was supposed to make for the littles.  The material is still sitting
unopened!  I have one that I was supposed to make (it's at least pinned) 8 years ago for someone who is now 16!  I'm not sure she'll even want it now.
I intended to create everyday or near enough to everyday.  AND..........that didn't happen either.

I feel like I have just plain failed all around.
AND why?  WHY do I feel like that?
I'll tell you.

GUILT!
Yep, guilt.
I feel guilty for wanting to paint, write, crochet, (insert creative thing here).
I feel guilty for wanting to take the time to do the things.
I feel like if I do those things, people will get mad at me for doing them and not doing
something else or what they think I should be doing.

Then there is fear.
Fear of making crap.
Fear of writing crap.
Fear of making or writing something good.
Fear that others will get mad at me for doing the things I love.

And then, there is doubt.
Doubt that anything I make or do is good enough.

Whenever I set out to do a creative thing, I immediately begin to feel guilty for doing it.
The fear and doubt are always lingering there somewhere.
But it's that guilt....OH BOY!
It comes in like "Who the fuck do you think you are? Painting and shit. Or Writing and shit.
There's other things you should be doing."  Not really, but you know how that goes.
And so I end up doing nothing because I get so overwhelmed by guilt, fear, and doubt.

I can't keep going on like that. 
I want to have a creative life.
I want to paint and write, and do other things that make me happy.
So I really need to overcome this guilt shit.

One thing I'm thinking of is since I failed the 50x50, is to maybe do 50 in 50.
Do 50 paintings before I turn 51.  It can be done, I mean I have like ten months. Right?
I want to try being more committed to getting my story out of my head and onto paper.
So I want to write more often than just April, July, and November.
Photography, well...part of that is I need to get out of my head in thinking I can't do anything
good with the lens I have.  I have to learn to work with the one I've got.

With all of these things, I really need to get out of my own damn head and out of my own way.
I have to learn to make do with what I have and use what I have on hand.
I don't know if or when I'll ever have a "studio space".  So I have to learn to make do with
my little corner in my bedroom dedicated to creating.

When I am in my space and in the zone, I'd really like to not have my bubble invaded but
I can't always have what I want.  I have trouble with setting and keeping boundaries.  Maybe if I can
invent a "studio time" where I am at the easel or  at the art table, that I am not interrupted just for the sake of "whatcha doin'?"

I have to learn to carve out and set "studio time" and stick to it.
Unless I am going out during that time or have an appointment, or should happen to be under the weather, then the time would be rescheduled. Otherwise, I need to pick  the time when I want to
do my art and go do it during that time segment.
This all sounds great in theory.  It's the implementation that is tricky.
Cuz you know, feeling guilty and shit.

I think I have some more reflecting to do and some planning to do as well.
I need to figure out how to live this creative life I want so badly.