When You Still Don't Have Answers

 To recap, just in case I didn't actually write about or if I did to bring things into context.

Back in December 2021, I mentioned to one of my primary doctors that I've been have numbness and weakness in my arms and hands.  Sometimes it happens even when I'm laying in bed flat, or I can be laying on my left side and the right side goes tingly or vice versa. He said it was out of his wheelhouse and would refer me out.  I was perfectly okay with this.

A few months later I still hadn't heard anything so I called where I was referred to. They said it would be a 12 - 18 month wait, and that I should call in the summer to see where things stood. Fast forward to late autumn and still no appointment. And my referral is about to expire.  So I call the place I was referred to yet again only to be told there was a miscommunication and some faxes lost in limbo somewhere. 

I found out the wait was for a neurologist, but I was in fact referred to a neurosurgeon. That wait was only supposed to be 6 weeks.  They decided to gather information from my physical therapist and attempt to reach my primary again and review everything.  Neurosurgeon team decided I might benefit from a spine specialist first so that's where I ended up.  

She ordered an MRI of my lumbar region and nerve test on my arms.  Never having had a MRI done, I had no idea what to expect. Or if I would have a panic attack in the middle of it because I didn't know if I'd freak out in the tight space.  On top of that, I've been dealing with a cold for over two weeks and was sure I'd have a coughing fit in the middle of it.  In hopes of preventing that, I took a dose of Dayquil and a Benadryl for good measure. Also told the techs just in case. I made it through uneventfully, thank goodness.

At my follow up with the specialist we reviewed my results.  The good news is I don't need spinal surgery. The bad news is that we really don't have any answers to the cause of my pain. I don't have anything pinched which is good. But I do have early disc degeneration and a small tear in my disc at L5/S1. And arthritis in my lower spine. Despite all of this, she still can't tell me what is the cause of the pain. 

It could be all just the fibromyalgia. It could be that in addition to the arthritis, and bursitis which I have in my hip(s). It could be all of the above and/or soft tissue pain. It could be something they haven't diagnosed yet.

Next week I have my nerve test done. It is in part to determine if I have carpal tunnel or not, and if I do then to what degree. Depending on the out come I may or may not have an MRI of the neck and upper spine.  I'm also scheduled to see a chiropractor next month. And then back to the specialist in March.

I wish diagnosing me wasn't so complicated. So we're in a process of elimination pattern now. In the mean time, I am to continue with physical therapy even though sometimes I feel like I'm failing.

I need to come up with questions for my specialist, I just don't know what to ask. Mainly I want to know what can I do for the pain, especially on the really bad days. And what are some other possible causes, we started to touch on that but got sidetracked.

I think the worst part is the not knowing. Along with being unable to explain to others how I feel. When you have an invisible illness, it's hard for others to understand. It's equally hard for us to explain.  So many think oh if you just move more or do this exercise or lose X amount of weight or take this pill or that pill you are magically cured.

I have friends that going through similar things with chronic pain, arthritis, fibro, etc that are on medications and they've told me that none of it makes the pain go away. It's always there. On a good day, the meds just take the edge off.  I'm finding these days that over the counter stuff isn't really touching the pain. But I'm terrified to try anything else.  I've read about so many  horror stories that it makes me hesitant to ask for  or to try anything.  Still though, I think it is something I will have to talk to the specialist about.

So grateful for doctors that listen and not judge you.
In a recent visit with one of my primary doctors, he recognized that I was having an episode of PTSD during the exam and held my hand through it all while he using soothing words and assuring me that I was safe. I think it was the first time I full on had an episode in the midst of an exam.  So thankful he saw it and recognized for what it was, and helped me through it.

Until next time.... Bright Blessings

Is This Really How You Wanna Start Out 2023???

 I, we are beyond heartbroken.

This is  not how the year is supposed to start.

JUST NO!!!!!!!!!

Our beautiful, rambunctious, lovable St. Bernard died within the last hour 
of my writing this. She went outside to potty and play with one of our other
dogs. From what I understand she started coming up the, which isn't all that
big, and just collapsed.
Beloved and his mom tried desperately to revive her but without luck. She
was just gone. 
She was only 6 years, 4 months, and 1 day old.  

She had been to the vet sometime in the late summer/early fall for a limp.
Blood work at the time and x-rays of the leg didn't show anything out of 
the ordinary.  She was maybe 8 lbs overweight but we changed it up and
she had lost a couple pounds.

This beautiful crazy girl was one of a kind.

Go forth Georgia over the Rainbow Bridge.  Find Fred and tell him how
much we miss him.  Find my sweet Sylvie and tell her how much I miss her 
and love her.

Georgia and Sylvie

Georgia and Fred

I wish I had words to take Mom's pain away. Georgia was really her baby, but we
all loved her. This is going to leave a really big hole in all of our hearts.

Good-Bye 2022 Hello 2023

 I did it again. Unintentionally, but here it is 9 months since I last posted.

I'm sorry I've been away. I will try to do better. Life just has a funny way 
interrupting you.

After two years I caught it. I got Covid for my birthday. I told the giver to 
return it as I didn't want it, but it was apparently nonreturnable. 

Lingering affects of it: Covid fatigue, Covid fog (on top of the already 
existing Fibro Fog...it's awful y'all), and there might be a third thing
but I'm trying and hoping I'm not overreacting or seeing zebras when it's 
only horses.

I get an MRI in 2 weeks or so to find out what's going on with me. It's 
going to be of my lumbar area, though I really think she should have 
asked for a full spine. Especially since I may end up with an upper series
anyway.  Either way, I'm hoping for some answers.

PT is helping a little bit. But Covid set me way back. It's like I'm basically
starting over...almost. And with the fatigue, it's making it ever slower 
going.

We rescued another cat. He is number nine in our current family of cats. 
He's also the youngest as he's now around 7-9 months old. We believe
he was thrown from a vehicle. It took over a month to catch him. Part of that
time he had disappeared.  He has neurological deficits in his hind legs. For
a bit there he wasn't even able to use the box without human assistance.
At his most recent visit, he was up to almost 9 lbs. He will be on prednisone 
for the rest of his life. We are in the process of finding he lowest effective 
dose.  The vet said that while he may not have a long life of say 15-18 years,
we can hope for at least 5 good years with him.  We've named him Jack.

Jack

Anyhoo...I just want to stop in and say "I'm still here!"
I wish you all a very Happy New Year. May it be better than the last two years.

Oh HAI! Remember Me?

Well there I go again, disappearing from the blogosphere for almost 3 months.
I didn't mean to.  It just...happens.

Since I've last written, I've lost 5 lbs, gained it back, and lost it again. I'm 
currently seeing a nutritionist at my doctor's office once a month. I go in again
to see her next week to see where I'm at.  She wants me to try to reduce my carb
intake, keep my calorie count at about 1200.  Eat more nutrient dense foods. 
Ditch the soda and sweets. I'm trying.  I'm managing to keep my soda down to a
half of a 16 or 20 oz. bottle. Some days I don't even drink any. I haven't even
wanted any sweets like cake or cookies or ice cream.  
Yet, I feel guilty for wanting to make better food choices and eat better. Food 
prices are getting higher and higher.  It's cheaper to eat crap food, but it's not 
good for me. I've been noticing how certain foods make me feel like crap too, 
something I didn't really pay much attention to before.

Finally got the results of my cortisol test explained. I have adrenal dysfunction.
I'm stuck in "Fight or Flight" mode.  They've added PS and fish oil to my daily
meds. She won't go so far as to diagnose me with PTSD.  She said that due
to my history I have it, but she doesn't want to put that label on me if she can help it.
And I understand her reasoning, I'm just glad she confirmed what I suspected. It
makes me feel a little less like it's all in me head.  People in my past have been 
real good at telling me it's all in my head or that wasn't that bad or that I was
making something out of nothing. You know how it goes.

I'm insulin resistant so I'm on Metformin.  We dropped the estrogen because
it was causing me to bleed. But my cycles are so crazy now, I don't know what it's 
doing.

There was a question of whether or not I had high blood pressure, because when I 
go in it's always so high. But when I monitor it at home it's "normal". But a visit to
the eye doctor answered that question.  They have this really cool camera that takes
a picture of the inside of your eyes. It was so amazing to see the inside of my eyes.
It's like there is a nebula or galaxy in there. He pointed out all the veins and arteries, 
muscles and nerves, even my floaters.  Two things it clearly shows is that I do not
have high blood pressure and there currently isn't any sign of diabetes.  I do have the
very beginning of a cataract in my right eye. But it's just a tiny spot and they can't do
anything about it right now.

I've been giving yoga a try.  I was doing okay for a couple of months, doing it twice
a week most weeks. But this month I have fallen off the yoga wagon. Between the 
pelvic pain and fibro pain, I've been so hesitant to even try. I feel like crap for not doing
it.  I don't know if it was helping any, but I was enjoying it even if I can't do it well.  
My flexibility sucks.  There are also moves that my nutritionist has told me is off limits.
She doesn't even want me to attempt them. And if there is a move I try that causes me
pain, I'm to not do it either.  Like Downward Dog and Cobra poses are not to be done
at all.  Some things she will allow me to do so long as I modify them and use props.

I guess when I chose SACRED/SOVEREIGNTY, I didn't expect to get such lessons
in how hard it is to choose one's self.  I've always found self care difficult. But now, I 
don't really have a choice.  I have to choose me.  It's hard, it is so fucking hard! 
People have a way of making you feel guilty for it whether they mean to or not,
whether they do it knowingly or not. I have a hard enough time not guilt tripping myself,
I don't need outside help to do it.

I think that's it for now.
I feel like there's more, but I just can't think of it.
I'll try not to stay away for so long.  
Stay safe out there.

Happy New Year's Eve...Eve

 It's been a little bit since I posted here.

I seem to do that...too often.  But life, ya know.

After a year of bullshit, my insurance is finally sorted out.
There's still some portion of my bill that the doctor's office is trying to get sorted and paid
but for now, it is not for me to worry about. Or so I have been told.

Every time I've gone to the doctor's office these last couple of months, I end up coming out
with another new prescription.  So far we've added a second thyroid medication, magnesium, ashwaghanda, Vitamin D at 10,000 units, estrogen, and metformin.  It's been interesting and 
challenging trying to get all the timing of taking each thing right, mostly because the thyroid meds 
cannot be taken with anything else.  
I've been told I am insulin resistant.
I had to do a cortisol test and that came back high. Though, I don't know what it means and what
will be done about it. Maybe I will find out on Monday.
Waiting for a referral to a neurologist.  It could be a bit for that though.

We've finally gotten some decent snow. Between 6 and 8 inches so far since yesterday.  Got about 4 or
so with yesterday's snow and topped it off with the snow from today.  More on the way though, so who 
knows what we will end up with.

I  dropped the ball with a  lot of things this year.
Art.  Writing.  Photography.
My own personal path, which I am currently totally lost on.

I am hoping that in 2022 I will be able to focus on these things.
To step into living a creative life and having a full creative practice.
I am hoping I will be able to seek the sacred and find my way to my path.
Whatever it might be.  Still hearing the name Cerridwen come up. A LOT!
I don't know what to do with it though.

As I do every year, I look to choose a word of the year.  I have done this since 2011.
A few weeks ago, SOVEREIGN/TY started showing up.  I thought it was a fluke and 
continued seeking a word. But the more I would seek, the more this word showed up.
Along with SACRED, which I had already decided to care forward another year because we weren't
done with each other yet for obvious reasons. Then wouldn't you know it...the Universe starts throwing
SACRED SOVEREIGNTY out at me.  I guess I had better take the hint. But what will I do with this?
I have no clue.  I guess I will be finding out though.  I hope.

Thanks for sticking by me and continuing to read my random and sporadic posts.
I hope to do better at posting in the coming year.
Wish you all a Happy Healthy Prosperous New Year.
May it be filled with Magic Love and All Good Things.
Blessings to you and yours

Epiphanies

It's been a bit, once again.
I have been in that want to write but don't know what to say mode.

It's been hot and gross in my neck of the woods.  Triple digits for days.
Record breaking temperatures. And the Smoke!!  Good Grief the Smoke!!!
We are finally have a break from the heat. To the point I'm able to wear my 
light sweats and sweatshirt cool. It's nice.  Yet at the same time, I am weary 
of what the Winter will hold.  Most people are predicting a hard to very hard
Winter given what are Summer has been. The last "Hot" Summer we had brought
us what has been dubbed "Snowmaggeden".  Thus my concern.

And so with the heat and humidity, I just haven't felt like much of anything.
Yet I think I had an epiphany or two, maybe even a few.

While on a Zoom call a few weeks ago, we were talking about if I was a good fit
for the class she was offering.  We touched a bit on family roots and how many of
us have been disconnected from the land.  I know I am a long way from the land of
my people. As far as I know, my people were mostly farmers.  During our conversation,
I mentioned this, but it was after that I realized that I have been trying to connect to 
that for a long time.  It was a light bulb moment, when during the conversation I wasn't
sure that the class was totally for me.  But afterwards, I realized I was already in some
way on that path.

Also during that call, we talked about how I have been wanting to take a class by a 
particular teacher. But finances have prevented me from doing so.  Yet during our chat,
something else was mentioned.  It must have come through unconsciously from me, but 
she picked up on it.  I don't feel worthy of it.  That feeling of not enoughness must have 
been shining brightly.

Fast forward to this week.  I'm watching the videos from a 3 day free course that was offered
by Sage. I've only watched the first video so far. But again...epiphany.

I don't prioritize myself.  Or my writing. Or my art. Or even my photography practice.
Why? Well, the answer is simple yet complex.  

I don't feel worthy.  I don't feel like any of my practices are worth working on.  I don't allow
myself to do them because I'm afraid of failing. But also because I'm afraid of how my practices
will make others feel.  I place more value on what others think I should do or want me to do over 
what I want to do.  I'm convinced I will fail.  I spend time staying "busy" with nonsense so that
others won't fell like I have abandon them by doing one of the things I want to do like art or 
writing.

I have a list of art projects. I have another list of crochet projects. And still another list of 
sewing projects.  I have had another story idea, that is niggling at the corners of my brain
for attention.  I've just in the last day started thinking of making or printing out a "Do Not
Disturb" sign for my art cave.  One side for arting, the other side for writing.

I am sometimes made to feel bad if I want to get up early or stay up late to do writing (or art).
If I do get up a bit earlier than usual, I end up not doing what I intended but instead I fall down
the internet rabbit hole of nothingness.  It is so easy to let myself get sidetracked and distracted.
Sometimes it's just easier to let myself be distracted by nothing. Even if it makes me feel 
terrible that I am denying myself the things I want to do for me.

After all this time, I've come to realize that I am still not choosing me. That I am still not making
myself and my desires a priority.  I need to change that.  But can I? Will I?

Oh Imposter Syndrome

I have not missed this feeling.
But does it ever really go away.
I've been trying hard to ignore it.
That's not working out so well.
It sure is starting to rear it's very ugly head here again.

I've been trying to play with my camera a bit more often.
I started thinking today about maybe entering into the photography
competitions at the 2 local fairs coming up.
And oh boy did that feeling like an imposter rear it's very ugly head!

I have waited to enter anything because  I wanted to do it under my 
current name, not my former name.  Stupid reason probably. But there 
it is.  And then factor in that I don't feel skilled or adequate enough to 
enter.  I've been to the one fair a couple of times.  And let me tell you, 
I sure don't feel like I can even begin to compete even at the armature level.

I don't qualify as an advanced armature.  I don't even fully understand what 
that even means.  The upside is, if I do enter anything as an armature it doesn't
cost me anything, except my pride maybe.  The only cost I would have is to have
the photo(s) printed and mounted.

It's crazy that I think about this, these competitions all year. Then when it 
comes time to consider entering, I get cold feet.  Really the imposter syndrome
just rises up and it is very overwhelming.  Paralyzing even.

It makes me feel like I have to right to even try.
You know, who do I think I am.

I have always had an interest in photography.
Even back when I had a film camera.  One of those cheap 35mm ones.  I think
back then, the most expensive one I had was about 99 dollars or so. 
Then around 2003 or so I moved up to a rather inexpensive digital camera.  It too,
only cost me about 100 dollars.  
I didn't feel like had the right to indulge in my interest.  Or to invest in what 
could have been a deeper passion at the time.  I didn't feel like I was allowed
or worth it.

So now, here I am trying to give myself permission.
To explore. To practice. To maybe some day do something with my pictures.
I'm not much of portrait photographer. I  am more into nature and landscape,
wildlife, that sort of thing.

It's just another one of those things I need to overcome. But do we ever really?