Blog Along 1

Update first:
Wee little lass is improving day by day.  They have stopped the UV lights for now and that means Momma can holder her more often now.  The next step is the feeding tube.  She needs to gain a little weight for that to happen. Hard to believe she is a  week old already!!



Okay!  Rabbit  Rabbit, Happy April!

Camp NaNoWriMo starts today.  As does Effy's blog along.  The blog along is free  range. No prompts, just write whatever.  So over on the blog I use for that, I've already exceed my word count goal for NaNo.  Two birds, one stone.  But the blog  isn't just to meet my word count for NaNo either, though they can go hand in hand.  This one here is a bonus, a supplement.  Sometimes, I wish I could change the URL for this one.  But then, I wish the same for my WP blog.

Over on WP, I  talked a bit about digging deeper into my changing back to my maiden name.  How thinking about it a little deeper is bringing up some negative feelings about it.  Mostly due to my mother (may she rest in peace).  And I mean it, I really do hope she has found some sort of peace.

I get negative feelings because of how she was, the lies she told, the bridges she burned, the people she hurt.  How because of the messes she made, people that knew her think I am just like her and wouldn't even give me a chance to prove otherwise.  I haven't lived in Brooklyn in almost 30 years!  I shouldn't even care what these people think anymore.  I think I might even be getting to the point where I don't care.  Because truthfully, I will probably never see these people again.

All my life, childhood and married life, I have been told what my story is.  Who to be, how to be, how to act, what to believe....My story has been dictated to me for so long, I had begun to forget who I was.

Now, I want to begin to change that narrative. To tell my story. To tell it my way, in my words. 

One of the positives of going back to my maiden name is that there is only one with it, and that's me. So I am unique. One of a kind.

I don't know why I am so hung up on this name thing.  Some times it feels like maybe I'm going backwards.  Sometimes it feels like I am perhaps trying to right a wrong.  Maybe I should never have changed it.  Maybe, I should have took him up on his offer for me to change it back years ago.

Ifs, maybe, coulds, woulds.....I could go round and round with it.  Not sure I'd ever find a suitable answer.

For now, all I can do is hope to make it happen one day.  And for now, just keep digging to see if this is truly what I want, what I should do.  Or is there another option?