Farewell 2012, HELLO 2013!

Another year is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin.  Where has the time flown? 
While I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked nor have I met all the goals I had set for the year, all in all it was still a good year.

The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas hit me especially hard this year.  Thanksgiving was 6 years since my Grandma passed and Christmas Eve was 18 years since I lost my Daddy.  I was trying so hard to remember his voice this year, to remember good times with him.  I wish they were both still here to see how the girls have grown into to the lovelies that they are.  After looking at some pictures of me and my Dad from when I was little I began to feel better.

We had a really great Christmas.  A FULL HOUSE!  15 people in all.  It was a really pleasant day.  My Beloved's Dad made it home for Christmas, which made Mom very happy.  For a brief moment, it looked like he might not have made it.  Then we ended up with a white Christmas!  Got about 3 inches of fluffy goodness!!!  It's awesome to wake up and still see it looking so pretty and snow covered out there.

So my Word for the Year...  I've thought about this for much of December.  And for good bit of it, it seemed like "SHINE" was going to be my word.  Then I worked with my oracle deck and the clarity card came up.  So I thought...OKAY!  Then a couple of days ago, "DARE" snuck in and all I keep thinking is: DARE to shine, DARE to dream, DARE to soar, DARE to step out of my comfort zone, and so on and so on.  So as of right now, I think DARE is my word for 2013. 

I saw some one say that they pick a theme song for the year too, and a color.  Almost immediately the song "Titanium" popped into my head.  As to color...my mind went to Red.  I don't typically like Red.  I don't use it much, but it's the first color that keeps popping in to my head.

Things I'm going to try and do this year:  Project Life 365 or something similar, create at least one new piece of art a week, write at least 500 words daily.  I want to start my art journaling again, daily if possible.  And of course read more books! 

I wish all of you a Happy 2013!  May it be a year filled with health, love, peace, joy, prosperity, magic, and lots of artsy goodness!  Stay safe my lovelies!  See you next year :D

12/12/12 Wishcast Wednesday- What 12 Wishes Will You Wish For?

It's 12/12/12!  The last repetitive date we will see for quite sometime.  If you look around the web today I'm sure you will find many write ups about the significance and magic of the number 12.  There's also discussions about 12/21/12 and the connection, gateway between the two dates.

Are the dates significant?  I don't know.  But I do feel like there is a major importance to these two dates.  It feels as though the energy is getting charged the closer we get to the 21st.

It is Wednesday, Wishcast Wednesday in fact!  And I have not participated in quite awhile now.  But I thought today would be a good day to join in.  Today Jamie asks: "What 12 Wishes Will You Wish For?"

I had honestly thought about writing out things I would like to do in 2013.  So switching gears to making wishes isn't too hard.  But, since they are wishes I don't want to make all of them just for myself.

My Twelve Wishes:

1. I wish to create more, to create...to paint weekly, if not daily.
2. I wish to be able to get my art out there in the world (scary wish, just so you know)
3. I wish to write, to get my words, my thoughts, my ideas, my stories on paper.
4. I wish to get back into cooking (more).
5. I wish for financial blessings for our family.  Things have really been a struggle, I'd like for us to have enough that we aren't struggling...that there be enough for even just the little things if we wanted them.
6. I wish for world peace, a world without hunger or the pain of senseless loss over unnecessary wars, a world where we love one another and help each other.
7. I wish to find a clearer vision of my spiritual path.
8. I wish to take care of myself better (ie: eat better, vitamins if needed, learn yoga, learn to meditate, etc.)
9. I wish for my girls to be happy, to follow their dreams.
10. I wish to allow myself to dream, to dream BIG and not be afraid to follow them.
11. I wish for all our troops to come home safely.
12. I wish that all that you wish for comes true.

Making one wish is hard....Making 12, is even harder!   As you all wish for yourselves, so I wish for you also.  Have a magical day!

Drawing Inward

It seems to be that time of year, where drawing inward occurs.  I grow quieter, and ponder the past year...the marks I've missed, the goals I failed to meet, the ones I did meet., what do I want for the coming year, so on and so forth.

I realized I missed a lot of goals and opportunities this year, through no fault but my own.  I started off pretty good, then...somewhere along the line, I began to hem and haw, find excuses to delay, basically procrastinate.  I can't beat myself up over it, I can't go back and change any of it.  What's done is done.

Am I disappointed with myself?   Of course!  Am I angry?  Maybe a little.  But none of that will change anything either.

All I can do is strive to do better.  Make 2013 a better year.  I want to be more productive.  I want to create more art, write more, cook more, create more, read more.  I want to get an Etsy shop going...finally.  First steps would be to decide what I want to sell on Etsy, find a store name that reflects who I am and what I create.

If Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 37, why can't I become who I want to be at 43?  I have such a bad habit of looking at how old I am and thinking too often that it's too late to do the things I want to do with my life.  Even though my Beloved tells me all the time that I'm not to old.  That age is just a number.  And I know damn well he's right!  (Don't tell him I said that! LOL!!!)  It's hard to change the thought patterns that have been embedded in my mind since childhood.  I have managed to over come many, but I'm far from done.  But I'm determined.

I really hope to stay on track with what ever goals I set for the coming year.  The next 22 days will be spent thinking, planning, wishing, hoping.  I will be thinking about my "word for the year".   One thing I've thought about is asking for a couple of volunteers to be my personal ass-kicker, motivator, cheerleader, cattle prodder....you get the idea.  One I will be asking is my Beloved, because well he is the one person I trust the most.  He is here, and can when I'm not being productive.  But I'm also hoping to add a friend or two to the team that I can touch bases with monthly, bi-monthly, weekly, daily if necessary sometimes.  What ever it takes to stay on track to success.

I Am...A Procrastinator, and I'm not Proud

My number one problem is I'm a procrastinator.  No IFS, ANDS, or BUTS about it.  And it sucks!  I really need to pull my shit together.

I have sparks of ideas, some that I think are really good sometimes.  Then the "gremlins" chime in.  And the more I think about my ideas and how to bring them to action, the louder these bastards get.  Next thing I know I'm putting off my ideas and then not following through on them.   It's the same with art and writing.  It's absolutely frustrating! 

Then I see other people's art like Danni's or Effy's or Connie's and go through the whole I'm not as good as they are phase.  Or I hear about people doing NaNoWriMo that are at 10k, 25k, even 40k words and I'm still sitting at a whopping 3004.

I love to cook, but I'm afraid to cook because I fear they won't like what I fix.  I'm scared to bake anything that doesn't come out of a box mix just because I've never really done anything from scratch.

I'd love to go back to school, but I don't know what direction to take.  It's not feasible to get a job right now due to transportation issues, unless I can find some sort of work at home deal.  The same with school, I'd need to find some online schooling that I could get financial aide for.

I just don't know what direction I want to take with my life.  I want to do something meaningful.  I want what I do to have significance.  I want what I do to make a difference, not just in my life but in other people's lives as well.  I want to do something I can be proud of.   I just don't know what to do.

Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween!

One of my favorite days of the year!  It's like having your birthday around Christmas time for me, since my birthday was only a couple of days ago.  I mean who wouldn't love to have a their birthday and get presents and then have Halloween and get lots of candy?!?!  I always loved it!  And when you get a bag of one of your favorite candies on your birthday it's even better right?

I probably won't be doing any sort of ritual tonight.  Mainly because I just don't feel comfortable with them.  Maybe it's that I don't feel learned enough, maybe it's because I feel awkward and clumsy when I do try a ritual...I don't know.  I have always felt better when I did it in my mind.  Talk to the God/dess in my mind, instead of out loud.  I just feel more comfortable that way.  It also makes it less like to be overheard and makes it more personal for me if/when I do something like that.

I do plan to do at least 3 card Tarot reading later.  I haven't touched my cards in at least a year or a little over.  This is a Pagan/Witch's New Year's Eve.  I want to start really focusing on my heart's desires to create more and consistently.  Tomorrow NaNoWriMo starts, and I'd really like to make a good effort with it.  I know I said earlier in the year how I wanted to be consistent in my art, and I started pretty good for the first few weeks and then...I don't know what happened.  I got in that rut where I think/feel like I'm creating crap and then I can't seem to do anything.  I want it to change. 

So maybe tonight I will spend a few moments alone, light a candle, commune with some creative Goddesses and make those changes in my creative life that I've been longing to make.

I wish you all a safe and blessed Samhain.

The Day After Sandy

Well, it's post birthday even though my Grandma used to say it was your birthday all week :D  And I don't feel any older LOL.  The day after my birthday Sandy hit my hometown and surrounding areas.  I sat pretty much glued to my computer watching for any updates from friends, family, or anyone else posting news or pictures. 

My heart ached to see my hometown flooding even though it wasn't anywhere near the devastation other places experienced.  The parks had downed trees, one park had that has softball and soccer fields had their stadium pole lights come down.  There was a downed power line around the corner from where I grew up.  Over all it seems like damage to my old neighborhood was minimal. 

But seeing homes that were destroyed by fire or waves elsewhere is just heartbreaking.  Several people I know are expecting to be without power for the next 7-10 days!  Looting has begun occurring in some areas, Coney Island was mentioned.  It's sad that in a time of such devastation people become stupid and opportunistic and try to rob homes and businesses.  Isn't it enough that they have suffered a loss, why do idiots have to compound the situation?

I also learned that my loved one was released home from the hospital where they had been to have their stent replaced.  Since they weren't critical, they were sent home.  I am both relieved and worried at the same time. 

I hope those of you in Sandy's wake fared well, the same for any friends and family you may have in her path. 

Feeling Helpless

First you don't get a post in 3 months, now you get 3 in a row.

I hate feeling helpless.  I don't like not being able to fix something or help or just offer a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen.   CANCER SUCKS!  And when a loved one is battling it, it's rough.  Being so far away, I feel disconnected.   Out of the loop.  Everytime I hear nothing, I think oh things are going good.  Then I find out they have been in and out of the hospital for months.  They are back in right now being treated for an E-coli infection.  Once that is cleared up, they have to switch hospitals and have their stent changed.  I don't understand any of what's going on.  I don't understand how E-coli is common in cancer patients.  I feel helpless because I am not there and can't do anything to help.

I haven't emailed my loved one, the care giver in this as I don't know what to say.  It all seems so cliche and I don't want to say things that everyone normally says in situations like this. 

I don't know what stage they are in, I don't know what the prognosis is.  I really don't know anything except what kind it is.  I don't know if they are getting the best care and treatment options available or not.  I would assume they are, I hope they are.

It sucks they should be enjoying their life, not fighting for it.  I hope they go into remission and stay there.  I hope they can heal and enjoy life. 

Please send strength and healing to my family.