10 Days Until Madness Begins

Madness being NaNoWriMo.  It will be my 7th year trying.  Will this year be any different?  I don't know. 
I was on the fence about it...do I or don't I?  The next thing I know, I find myself changing my facebook cover photo and profile picture to reflect NaNo; making a new song list; thinking about my options for what to write.  Do I go back and once again try to work on my original NaNo story?  Do I work on one of the ideas that I've been scribbling about here and there as they pop into my head?  OR Do I try to create something totally fresh and new?  Which of course I have no clue what I would do, LOL.

I'd like to do some planning, but I'm really not a planner/outliner type person.  I know everyone has their own methods that work for them.  My first character, I didn't build her or plan her she was just there.  The only thing she really lacks is a name.  I've never been quite happy with her name, something about it just doesn't fit right and I haven't found something that does yet.  I have tried the planning of characters part, but then I just seem to get hung up on details or try to force things and then they just go away.  I need to work on my relationship with them, don't ya think?  I sometimes think I just try too hard!

Either way, I usually end up getting frustrated or sidetracked.  Then I end up falling behind.  Eventually I realize I won't catch up and then I end up give up on the project.  I want it to be different this time.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, instead of focusing on word count that I should focus on just getting stuff written.  No matter how much or how little.  But just get it written.  If I can do that the entire month I'd call it a win even if it isn't 50,000 words.  At least I can say wrote the entire month, so what if it might only be 300 or 500 words a day.

If only some how I can turn my traumas and past into a story of survival.  But when you're mind set is elves, faeries and dragons...how do you spin it?

Pet Peeves and Old Wounds

Damn it!  3 months since I lasted posted, I didn't intend for it to be that long.  I just kept feeling like what I wanted to write just wasn't important.  Yes, yes have been having a minor pity party.  Not really sure why, maybe just frustration with myself.  Frustrated at not being able to connect with my Muse, trying to force it and getting no where.

Anywho...Pet Peeves!  My dear friend Wylde Sage (with or with out the "e", I can't remember lol sorry) she touched on this a few weeks ago about her own.  And I had to agree on many if not all of them.  This week seems to be my turn to vent over my own.  I think one in particular has been brewing for quite awhile now.

#1 - People who claim to always be broke, short on cash, funds are tight, w/e and then no sooner they say that they have something new, are going out to eat, to a show/concert/play/movie, or even traveling.  Please just stop the bull shit.  I rarely talk about finances with anyone.  If by chance the topic some how comes up in a random conversation, and I say that money is tight, for me it's the truth.  And I'm not looking for a fucking hand out.  But don't say it back to me or in general and go and spend money like you just busted open the piggy bank, all it does is make you look shitty.  Too many times lately I've been told or heard some one say money is so tight for them and literally turn around and go buy or do something that isn't a necessity.

#2 - People who start a conversation (email or private messaging) and you send them a reply expecting an answer and you get nothing.  Or better yet, starting the initial conversation to get information and then ignoring anything else I might have to say.  Especially if you call yourself a friend! 

#3 - People who use others for information or personal gain, take credit for someone else's work/idea/etc, suck people drain of their energy/emotions/kindness.  Grow the fuck up!  Stop using people!  Stop treating people like they owe you something! 

There's more, but I think that's good enough for now.  1 and 2 are the ones that are REALLY bugging me right now.

OLD WOUNDS!  Ouch!  The kind that make me look over my shoulder, sensitive to certain smells and sounds, give me bad dreams.  Yesterday, I got a PM from a gal I went to school with.  She was the kind of person that was my friend one second and giving me the silent treatment the next always leaving me going "what just happened?"  Well she asks me about a person we both knew, a person I dated.  A person who abused me, assaulted me, and made me lose everything I had leaving me homeless at 16.  She wanted to know if I know where he is or if I've heard from him.  An organization we all used to belong to is planning a reunion and someone asked about him.  Why ask me?  I don't know.  I told her that I haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years and hope I never do.  Her answer: okay thanks just wondering.   ...WHAT? 
Some friend!  Not an I'm sorry, nothing!
I know I'm thousands of miles away, and the likelihood of seeing him is slim to none.  But it woke something in me that I worked very hard to get over.  Now I find myself jumping at certain sounds that remind me of my time with him.  I find myself smelling the air more often as he had a distinctive smell that you could sometimes smell before you actually saw him.  I'm just so unsettled right now!
Then I took a look at the group's FB page and saw that someone implied he died.  I tried to look it up immediately, I also tried searching various inmate lookups in hopes that he was incarcerated.  But I had no luck on either front.  Part of me wanted to message the girl who had asked about me in the group, but I can't bring myself to do it.  Many of the people in that group turned their backs on me and treated me like I was unfit to breathe the same air as them.  One gal said on there she remembers him but has no idea who I am, and I even lived across the street from her for a time!  GEEZ! Am I that forgettable?  Am I so insignificant that you can act like I never existed?  I remember almost each and everyone one of them, especially the ones I saw on almost a daily basis.
I am back to feeling like I need some sort of piece of mind that he will not hurt me again.  And I don't know how to get that.  I don't like how such simple little words turned me upside down and have me feeling on edge.  I also feel like some of these emotions of feeling insignificant go deeper and further than just this group of old acquaintances.  It's also leaving me feeling like I need to seek approval from others again, to feel like I'm accepted, to feel like I matter.
This as all left me feeling very small and vulnerable, hurt and scared.  And I don't like it!

Finally Relief, But Still Clueless

Finally after two weeks or so of itching everywhere like mad, it's FINALLY stopped. Just as it started, it went away with no known cause and no clue how it stopped. I'd like to know what started it all just so I can do my best to prevent it from happening again, but I'm afraid I may never know what started it all.

Initial deductions were zeroing in on the crop duster that flew over prior to my itching phase. But it seems that isn't the cause either, since a couple of days after I stopped itching the crop duster did his fly-bys again. Thankfully I didn't have another occurrence! But seriously...the dude needs to choose better timing! Midnight when people are trying to go to sleep is NOT the time to be crop dusting!

I'm just very relieved to not be itching anymore!!!!

What It's Not

Okay, I was wrong. After a week of suffering without taking any allergy meds, I/we have come to the conclusion that they were NOT the cause of my new allergy symptom. And hell if we know what is. I guess for now I will use my allergy meds as sparingly as possible to prevent myself from developing an immunity effect to them, keep using lotion/caladryl as needed. And of course keep researching what I can use naturally to help with this.

It's frustrating to say the least, to not know what the hell is causing this. Plus I'm tired because this shit wakes me up at night.

I have pulled out every herb book I own, and only one had suggestions for itching! That really amazed me. It wasn't even the book I thought for sure would have information!

One thing this has done though, it's made me want to pursue my desire to learn herbalism and holistic healing. Medications do well and good in some cases, but in others they are totally useless. As in the case of my allergies. There are days it helps with my itchy eyes, sneezing and wheezing and then there are days it feels like I took nothing. And all it does for the hives/itching is makes it a bit more tolerable.

I know there is a way to reverse these allergies I have. There has to be! I don't want to continue through life having to avoid things I once enjoyed like peanut butter and fresh fruits. I'd like to be able to peel potatoes and carrots without my palms itching and feeling like they are on fire. I'd like to be able to handle raw peeled apples and if I touch my face I don't have be afraid I'll look like a raccoon and itch all over my face.

I am determined to find a cure for myself or at least ease my symptoms to more tolerable levels.

Only I Could...

be the oxymoron of oxymorons. Well in my theory so far at least. I've been having an allergic reaction to SOMETHING. But hell if I know what. We've gone over a gamut of things just about everyday for the last few days trying to find a common denominator. No new or strange foods. Not been rolling in things I shouldn't be. I don't wear perfume or make up. But I have been itching like crazy neck, arms, back, upper chest (here and a bit on my neck I have a mild rash) and tummy (mild rash comes and goes here).

The only common link I can find is my ....wait for it....Ready?....My allergy medication! I mean really...wtf? But I looked them up, I've been alternating Zyrtec and Allegra (store brands) and lo and behold in rare cases (ME!) you can have itching and rashes. WELL SHIT! Now what do I do? I can't take Claritin. Why? LOL You guessed it...I'm allergic to it. Benadryl knocks me the fuck out. And since I'm trying to prove my theory, I'm hesitant to take anything.

I have got to find some natural remedies again. I used to take a product by Nature's Sunshine years ago. But damn it's gotten expensive! Gotta seriously find a herb store or something around here soon. And evaluate my stash of herbs to see if I have anything I can brew up. And soon too, I'm not sleeping well due to the itching. And if I can't take anything I will end up wheezing and coughing and sneezing all night too. UGH! Only me this could happen to LOL. Really wish I had my fenugreek about now!

One Year Ago Today

....I made a leap to follow my heart. I got on a plane and flew 2200 miles to be with my soulmate. A leap to leave an abusive relationship. I risked everything...for happiness, for love, for freedom to be me, to find myself again.

I think the risk paid off in many ways. I did leave an abusive relationship. I did find freedom, happiness and love. I'm still working on finding myself but that is an everyday process. I have a wonderful support system and am surrounded by people love me for who I am, for who I am becoming. They encourage me to grow, to create, to be me. My Beloved and I have worked through what we needed to and came out stronger than ever.

All this didn't come for free. It did cost me. And I don't mean financially. It meant leaving my girls behind. They were old enough to choose, but this was also my journey not theirs. The cost though, is I haven't seen them in a year. We talk on the phone and sometimes we chat via webcam. I miss them everyday! Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I love them any less or that they have been replaced. Nothing, no one can replace my girls.

This is only a small step in my journey. I know it isn't over. Together with my Beloved and those I love whether near or far, I can continue to heal and take more steps to grow and become, to find the self I had lost.

And a big thank you and hugs to all of my blog friends who have supported me with your love and positive thoughts. MUAH!

Writing, Arting, Whispers From My Muse (I Hope)

AAAAAAAAAAAH! So I didn't get the memo/email that Camp Nanowrimo had started. CRAP! Coincidentally, I had started BuNoWriMo on June first, if you can call writing about 200 words starting anyway. That's as far as I got and then I dunno I freeze up, the vision in my head gets muddled and I can't see the scenes. Honestly this shits gotta stop, ya know! I'm really tired of getting these images and scenes in my head, and then when I sit down to write them it's like a fog bank rolls in. It's frustrating! I'm tired of saying I wanna be a writer, or I wanna be an artist or that I'm just a "wanna-be" period.

I guess, I think...the first step would be to stop saying what I want to be and just start doing it. I have so much support here! It's amazing, but instead of reveling in it and using it as a motivator I hole up and hide. I let those negative voices take control and keep me chained up.

I've been fortunate enough to have been sponsored into Book Of Days Premium by the ever lovely Poptart. If you're in BOD you know who she is. THEN, the Gods/Goddesses shined down on me and I won a spot (finally) into Lifebook with Willowing. OMG! I'm so thrilled. I started on Tam's first lesson. Finding my Goddess Superpowers. Um...me...I uh, well uh...I don't feel as if I have any. Yep you guessed it...those bad voices again. Coupled with knowing how far behind I am in Lifebook (they're at like week 23 or so and I'm still at week 1 *le sigh*).
It's overwhelming!

In so many ways I've lost touch with my Muse, and I don't like it. I acknowledge that I've been letting my fears especially of failure really keep me from connecting with her. In other ways I don't feel worthy of (re)connecting with her. But I want writing and art to be my life. So much so that I've started Divine Spark Daily with Shiloh Sophia. Like the other ladies doing this I want to know my Muse's name. I really NEED to connect or more like reconnect with her, and to make her more real, I need to know her name.

I swear yesterday, I heard some faint whispers from her that came across in a note she wrote me (it was day 1's exercise). Today I'm supposed to write a letter to her, but I don't know what to say. But I need do these things. I need to sit down and write or try to even if it's just a few lines at a time. I need to sit and pick up the paint brush and work in my journal, on my Lifebook lessons, get back into BOD seriously as well as do Elements and any other group activity. I need to stop hiding in the shadows. I really need to take an active role in my life and do the things I want to do. I have the tools and the support, so I really shouldn't have any excuses. Right?