Writing, Arting, Whispers From My Muse (I Hope)

AAAAAAAAAAAH! So I didn't get the memo/email that Camp Nanowrimo had started. CRAP! Coincidentally, I had started BuNoWriMo on June first, if you can call writing about 200 words starting anyway. That's as far as I got and then I dunno I freeze up, the vision in my head gets muddled and I can't see the scenes. Honestly this shits gotta stop, ya know! I'm really tired of getting these images and scenes in my head, and then when I sit down to write them it's like a fog bank rolls in. It's frustrating! I'm tired of saying I wanna be a writer, or I wanna be an artist or that I'm just a "wanna-be" period.

I guess, I think...the first step would be to stop saying what I want to be and just start doing it. I have so much support here! It's amazing, but instead of reveling in it and using it as a motivator I hole up and hide. I let those negative voices take control and keep me chained up.

I've been fortunate enough to have been sponsored into Book Of Days Premium by the ever lovely Poptart. If you're in BOD you know who she is. THEN, the Gods/Goddesses shined down on me and I won a spot (finally) into Lifebook with Willowing. OMG! I'm so thrilled. I started on Tam's first lesson. Finding my Goddess Superpowers. Um...me...I uh, well uh...I don't feel as if I have any. Yep you guessed it...those bad voices again. Coupled with knowing how far behind I am in Lifebook (they're at like week 23 or so and I'm still at week 1 *le sigh*).
It's overwhelming!

In so many ways I've lost touch with my Muse, and I don't like it. I acknowledge that I've been letting my fears especially of failure really keep me from connecting with her. In other ways I don't feel worthy of (re)connecting with her. But I want writing and art to be my life. So much so that I've started Divine Spark Daily with Shiloh Sophia. Like the other ladies doing this I want to know my Muse's name. I really NEED to connect or more like reconnect with her, and to make her more real, I need to know her name.

I swear yesterday, I heard some faint whispers from her that came across in a note she wrote me (it was day 1's exercise). Today I'm supposed to write a letter to her, but I don't know what to say. But I need do these things. I need to sit down and write or try to even if it's just a few lines at a time. I need to sit and pick up the paint brush and work in my journal, on my Lifebook lessons, get back into BOD seriously as well as do Elements and any other group activity. I need to stop hiding in the shadows. I really need to take an active role in my life and do the things I want to do. I have the tools and the support, so I really shouldn't have any excuses. Right?