I'm going to do a 2fer post here, LOL. Partly, because I'm just being lazy. And a part of me kind feels like the 2 go hand in hand for me.
First Jamie asked us this week, "What do you wish to share?" Couple of things that came to mind was honesty, openness, and trust. I don't really have a problem with honesty, I hate lying. But I've lived with them all my life. It's very difficult to be honest with my feelings. If I'm hurting, and someone says "Are you okay?" It's easier for me to say, "I'm fine.", even when I'm not. I have a really hard time being honest about how I'm feeling. I had to learn early on that you don't show them, you hide them, bury them.
Which leads to difficulty with openness. I find it close to impossible to be open with others about myself, how I feel, what I think. I'm afraid of being judged on any level. My thoughts, beliefs, wants, desires, aspirations...have all been judged. Many times by those closest to me. One can only hear "You aren't good enough." "You'll never amount to anything." "You won't be successful." "You won't be good at that." So on and so on.
Which eventually leads to trust issues. I have difficulty trusting people. It's hard when the ones that claim to love you and want the best for you, are the ones that hurt you the deepest. Which makes me find it hard to believe there are any good ones out there. That I can trust and believe, be open and honest with.
This all leads to The Next Chapter Book Blog on "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck...the chapter on Truth. I'm still struggling with Nothing. I just can't find my "nothing space". So, this led me realize that I'm afraid of the quiet, the stillness, afraid of the voices that repeat the "You're worthless, good for nothing, lazy, stupid, a failure." mantra that I hear if I dwell in the stillness too long. I'm afraid of the truth. I'm afraid to face the lies, the hurts, the anger, the fears that I've kept tucked away in the darkest place of my soul. It seems so much safer to keep them there.
The truth...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid that my beloved will come here, and all the hopes and dreams will be lost when he sets eyes on me and sees me face to face. What we have now is safe, he's 2200 miles away. He can't hurt me as deeply if he's never been close, never held my hand, never held me, never touched me.
I'm afraid to face the hurts and anger from all the abuse I've experienced in the past. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and co-dependent manipulative mom.
I can't do this alone, but I'm too afraid to open up and let anyone in close enough. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want my beloved to hurt me, nor do I want to hurt him. That's why I've been begging him to not come here.
In short...The Truth hurts!
You are right you can't do it all alone, but you don't have to, there are a few of us out here that truly and absolutely love you, myself included.
ReplyDeleteYou will face me face to face and trust me, I won't turn around and walk away.
The truth hurts a lot sometimes but there are times when the truth feels better than you can imagine. I am here willing to hold your hand when you face it and realize we the ones that love you are real and the ones who don't that tell you those things do it because they themselves are afraid of people being happy.
I love you immensely my love.
Such a moving post and so difficult to know what to say here. Be brave, it sounds like someone really loves you.
ReplyDeleteMorgaine,
ReplyDeleteYour honesty shines through in your writing. I understand your fears. Yet you have a beloved who cherishes and adores you and a "cheerleading squad" so when your mind replays those criticisms, use affirmations; I am good enough, I am deserving, I am receptive to love....
You are right, your beloved can't physically hurt you from 2200 miles away, but it's such a shame you won't allow yourself to feel the warmth of a loving hand, the comfort in a loving hug, the electricity of a loving touch. You deserve that and more; and it will be yours when you trust yourself enough to let go of the past and step into your present.
Lots of good energy and peace :)
The truth does hurt, but you CAn change the truth. My dad is an alcoholic as well. My mother left, and he reared both me and my sister.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how it happened, but I managed to change things long before adulthood and what I would ultimately become.
You CAN change the truth. By admitting that it hurts and where you have difficulties, you are already actively doing more than most people!
You CAN change the truth.
Thank you for sharing this courageous post with you. I think it is great that you have realized that you cannot do this alone. I too have a past of abuse that I sometimes have difficulty coming to terms with. I have found that finding one person to trust makes telling your truth so much easier. I started with my best friend and now I am able to speak my truth with more frequency.
ReplyDeleteHave you told your beloved about your fears? Sometimes I find that it is so much easier to assume we are unloved than to face the truth that we are worried that our relationship will not meet our expectations. Perhaps a conversation about expectations may be helpful
As Morgaine wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
What a beautiful, brave post... you are at a wonderful crossroads.... is your fear truly your truth? or could the truth be the strength percolating inside of you that chooses healing over fear? Something to toss around... Thank you for inspiring me!
ReplyDelete