Lost and Found

Slowly, slowly I'm finding my way back to girl I once was. I'm still afraid sometimes, a lot of times to let her shine through...but I'm getting there. Being around loving, supportive people helps. I still have to learn to be comfortable with myself again though. I've always had issues with worrying about what others think, but I'm coming around little by little.

It's nice to be able to breathe. To know that you aren't going to be judged for having a thought or an opinion. To know you aren't going to be blamed for someone else's shit. I am however being called crazy by members of "that family". And you know what....I'm OKAY with that. If being myself means being crazy, that I'm not some drone following mindlessly, then so be it.

At the same time though, I'm feeling lost. Lost on how to earn money where jobs are hard to come by. I still want to go back to school, but I'm lost on what to study. The things I want to major in aren't readily available in this area. And if I want to get financial aide, then the only schools that qualify are either in Washington state, Oregon, or California. Right now we are in no position to move. Even if I just wanted to do some home study courses, I can't...not right now anyway...again a money issue.

Then there's my Path. *Le Sigh* I don't know where the hell I belong there. Jen over at "Rue and Hyssop" had an excellent post the other day on the topic of being Pagan. You can read it here, if you like.

I use the term Pagan loosely for myself because I don't really know what else I would fall under. I don't do rituals per se. I feel awkward casting circles or calling quarters. I don't have any "tools" to be a "proper witch". I don't think having a couple of tarot decks, some incense and candles, a sage smudge stick (never used yet), some assorted herbs, and a few books as having the "right witchy stuff".

I'm still drawn to being a Druid, and I'm still drawn to Avalon. But I'm also still drawn to Elves and Faeries. Lately I've been wondering if Elves were involved with those in Avalon some how. And if we're to believe that Merlin was a Druid, then surely they must have had some involvement as well.

But I can relate to where Jen is coming from. Feeling like you're "in between". Because while I'm drawn to those things, I occasionally feel drawn to Buddha, Artemis, or more recently Ganesha (there's more but you get the point.)

I suppose in time, with baby steps all will fall into place. And if I keep my eyes, ears, heart and mind open I will find my way.

Feelings...

I'm not really sure where I'm gonna go with this post, but it's one that's been nagging at me for awhile. Since lately I've been feeling a lot of different things. I've thought about this post quite a bit but never could seem to put the words down. This I guess will be my attempt to do such.

Let's start off positive shall we? I've been happy! I am HAPPY! Things with my Beloved are going well. Sister #3 is engaged and is planning a June 2013 wedding. I was sponsored into Book of Days (premium) by a fellow Art Sister. New calves being born (7 over the last month) make me smile. Especially the one born yesterday morning and watching it shakily stand up and try to eat while Momma Cow cleaned it up. Or watching the twin calves frolic in the pasture or chase after their Momma. Seeing the stars so clearly, watching Jupiter and Venus dance in the night sky (I believe that's the 2 I've been seeing.) Watching the full moon rise and basking in Her light. Listening to the birds in the morning, hearing the coyotes call at night, seeing the magpies and other birds enjoying the spring like weather. In the past couple of weeks I've had the joy of seeing a Bald Eagle, a Golden Eagle, a crane or heron (haven't figured out which it is yet), just to name a few. These things make me happy.

I've also been sad. Feeling helpless. Not about myself, but about things I can't do anything about. Things that are out of my control. Like some one that is dear to me that is sick and in pain, that I can't do something to make them feel better. I can't be there to comfort them or their family. Sad that I'm not even supposed to know about it but I do and I can't say anything.
Sad that I can't give my girls more or better things, that I don't have the money. I know money isn't everything and doesn't buy love and happiness. But it makes me sad that I see something that I know they would like and I can't get it for them as a surprise.

And then, I've been angry. Angry that when my youngest doesn't feel well and had mostly an ear infection, instead of comforting her and trying to find a way to ease the pain then take her to the doctor, the Ogre makes her cry and feel worse. Sees her tears as being dramatic and refuses to believe she has an ear infection. While she's on the phone with me, he finally assures her they'll go to the doctor ...but hey guess what, he never did it. Luckily for her, her seems to have resolved on its own. His excuse...he forgot!
Angry that the Troll (the Ogre's sister) finds it acceptable to talk shit about me, telling my kids that I'm crazy. That being crazy is hereditary and they'll end up just like me if they aren't careful. Felt it was okay to give my oldest the silent treatment one day, dirty looks and all...for no reason, just started the day that way.
It angers me that they have to put up with her shit. It angers me that the Ogre allows and tolerates this shit with her to go on.

And then I've been feeling stuck again in the creative areas...art journaling, painting, writing (not a word yet! UGH). I was doing great with BOD at first, then I just kinda feel like I hit a wall and didn't know what to do. I feel stuck because there's so many workshops I want to do and I can't.
I feel stuck in my path. I don't know what to do. I guess maybe I feel like I need a specific label after being brought up Catholic and then spending years in non-denominational "cults". I say cults because most of them wanted you to follow their line of thinking, follow blindly, not asking questions or thinking for yourself.
I still feel drawn to Druidry, but at the same time I still drawn to Avalon and yet feel like hedge/kitchen/green witch is more where I should explore. I had hoped that reading "Avalon Within" by Jhenah Telyndru would perhaps answer some of my questions about the path of Avalon. I was overjoyed that I won a copy of the book, but then sadly I never received it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be on any "path" in particular but just honor the Goddess and the seasons. I don't know.

But yea, I've been feeling a lot of different things lately. And I hate feeling powerless to help someone I care about. I don't like not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, not knowing what my purpose is (I mean as far as a spiritual path, art and writing). I just don't know what to do about it. I have things that can envision, I just don't know how to get those things to come alive. Guess I just have a lot of thinking and searching to do. As long as I have my Beloved and his family and my girls, it's all good.

Randomness And Welcome New Followers

WOOT! 80 followers, that was a lovely surprise the other day when I saw I had that many. Welcome lovely new peeps to my bloggy home. I hope you won't find me boring or mundane. I tend to babble occasionally or when I see something shiny :D

I've been trying to art consistently and for the most part I've been keeping up with it. I haven't started any writing yet, mostly because once I start arting I forget all else.

I've also been playing with my new to me camera that was gifted to me by my very good friend WyldeSage. Getting used to it and learning the settings. I'm having fun with it!

Today my kitty is getting fixed. She rarely meows, and if she does it's usually a very soft, low mew. When we got her to the pet clinic she was quiet until a very loud cat started meowing and howling. She was already taken back to the waiting area and I could hear her meowing. It was distinctly her because it was softer than the other cats there. She has a very unique meow. I just hope she won't be mad at me for leaving her alone in a strange place for a few hours or for the discomfort she's going to be in for a few days.

In other news....a couple of weeks ago, well let's see, just before new year's to be exact. I was talking to my youngest, who was having issues with "HIM". "HE" was getting on her because her dog had an accident in the house (rare, but it happens) and was saying all kinds of shit to her. Proceeded to put her down and belittle her...then, THEN turns around and says she really needs to think better of herself. Uh...excuse me you ass but you just threw a series of put downs at her, making her feel like shit and you say what next? So she wanted to go sleep at a friend's house and "HE" turns around and says to her something along the lines of "oh you're just like your mother, when reality hits you in the face you run away instead of dealing with it." UM...I didn't run away. I did face reality, and I left because it was better for my well-being and happiness. But whatever...you can't reason with "HIM" and I can't confront "HIM" on what "HE" said to her.

I really wish I could just get a divorce from "HIM" already. I haven't spoken to "HIM" since I left except for a few email exchanges and that was only in regard to paying my cell phone bill, which ended up getting turned off because it was a month behind which usually isn't a problem. But some where a payment got posted after a new cycle started which threw everything off. By the time "HE" okayed me to pay it up, it wouldn't accept the payment. Kept getting a message that the back account listed/saved on the site didn't exist. I took that to mean "HE" changed banks or something, but "HE" wouldn't give me a straight answer. But wanted my cell account information so "HE" could log into it...UH NO THX! Sorry but I don't trust "HIM"....so therefore no cell phone.

It feels a little weird not having one. Not that I used it often, but I've just had one for so long that not having it just feel well weird lol. It's those moments when I am out and I see something I want to text to the girls, that's when I really miss it. And getting a prepaid isn't an option right now either. So I guess I'll just have to carry my purty new camera around with me and that should solve that problem :D

It's a cloudy rainy day. Almost all the snow we got yesterday is pretty much gone. I'm tired and feel like I need a nap. Didn't sleep well and had to get up early to get to the pet clinic in time, and the weather just isn't helping...neither is the Double Chocolate Mocha from Dutch Brothers. Maybe I need food? Yea...I think so.

Thanks for stopping by today...Bright Blessings.

Partnering with Spirit Promo

Hello lovely Peeps. I'm sharing this video with you to help my friend and Tribe Sister promote her upcoming class. Check it out:

Wishcast Wednesday - Making Peace

Darn it! I meant to post this Wednesday, got side tracked with other stuff and distracted by an adorable 8 year old. So I'm a little late, but then again I usually am LOL. Better late than never...

So this week Jamie asked: "What or whom do you wish to make peace with?"

Since I am late posting, I've had a little time to ponder this. And I did/do have a list of people and things, but as I thought and think more about it I've realized something. I can't come to peace with outside people or things until I first come to peace with myself. So therefore, I that is what I wish...to make peace with myself.

To learn to accept and love myself for who and what I am. To learn to accept love and generosity from others...that it's okay to accept these things. To accept that I'm no Picasso or Van Gogh and be at peace with what ever I create and paint. To accept that I am no J.K. Rowling but that it doesn't mean I can't write something and that it might be good, but I should at least try.

So yes I need to make peace with myself and accept who and what I am and I need to stop thinking that I need to conform to the world's idea of what or who I should be.

If I Could Have a Magical Ability...

Just found out about this fun blog hop called "Follow My Blog Friday" put on by the The Domestic Pagan.

This week's question is: If you could have magickal ability like any witch from a movie or tv show, who would it be and why?

For me, well...it's a toss up between Piper Hallowell from "Charmed" with her ability to freeze things and people. I mean really how awesome would it be if you say were arguing or chatting with someone who just wouldn't stfu...and BAM! you can freeze them for a few moments of silence. My other choice would be Hermione Granger from "Harry Potter". Especially if I could charm my purse to be a bottomless bag of useful things. She is after all the cleverest witch of her age.

So hop on over and check it out, see what others have said and maybe add your own.

Here's What I've Made So Far...

Here's a few pictures of what I've made so far this year. I've been having a lot of fun making art.

My interpretation of Louise Gale's color challenge. I didn't have Tangerine Tango so I had to blend my on rendition of the color.

This is what I came up with for Tee's "Fire and Ice" prompt.



My January Journal page for Milliande's "Be A Seed" prompt.
My very first ever! ATC for a January challenge.

And last but not least...My cover to my Book of Days.