Learning Acceptance

That's what I've been dealing with lately. Learning acceptance, learning what it's like to be a part of a family that wants you there, that doesn't try to change you into something you're not. Learning that contributing to the household doesn't always mean financially.

And let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to learn. When you have been conditioned for so long that there is something wrong with who you are and that no matter how much or how hard you tried to become what someone else wanted you to be and it still wasn't enough. That the way you are (how you look, act, dress, eat, sleep, talk, etc) is now okay, it's enough...there's no need to change except to not go back to the fears and doubts and let them consume you. It's HARD! I have trouble understanding it, trouble wrapping my head around the whole idea that I am wanted and loved for who I am, the way I am.

There is a lot of reassurance and long talks going on. That this is not some fluke or some twisted game. That the rules aren't going to suddenly change mid game and that I'd suddenly be expected to change myself. The only changes that are expected of me is like I said that I don't go back to the dark places where fear and doubt reside, AND to make changes in myself that only I, ME MYSELF, want to make.

So the other thing I am learning is how to stay out of that dark place. Some days are easier than others. The hard days are usually the ones where I feel helpless because I cannot do more, when I want to help someone close to me because they are going through a rough time and I can't be there for them because they are so far away. But I'm learning, and I have a lot of support here especially from my Beloved and his Mom.

The lesson isn't just learning to accept how they all feel about me, it's also learning to accept myself as I am. And that no matter how much I want to do something, it's not always possible. I wish I could elaborate more on this, but I can't right now. All I can say at this time is I have a loved one going through something right now and I feel helpless to do anything for them. AND IT SUCKS!!!

On Harry Potter

Yesterday was a good day, no a great day! Went to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" with my Beloved and Sister 3. It was supposed to be a double date but her beloved couldn't make it, family stuff came up last minute. Then afterwards we went to dinner where good food and good laughs were had by all. I have to say, that if the conversations and all the laughing we did were done in front of the Ogre...we would have been scolded like 5 year olds playing with their food or something. But we had fun and that's what matters.

What can I say about the movie? It was awesome! I got teary-eyed yes. How could I not? The scene with Snape that all the die hard fans questioned worked beautifully. Alan Rickman was amazing. To see Snape in that way was just so wonderful, it gave me a new love for the Professor. (Yes I read the book after it came out, wish I read it again before I saw the movie...but still) And the scene of Molly vs. Bellatrix...OMG AWESOME!!!! I wish Ginny had some more screen time/dialogue as well as Luna. I wish they had expanded a bit on the whole Percy back with his family too. To see our beloved Hogwarts in ruins was sad and heartbreaking.

All in all, it was a fantastic movie. But for true Harry Potter fans it will never be the end, as Neville said "He is in our hearts." Whether there will ever be a "before Harry" or "after Harry" written by Jo we don't know but a bit of Harry lives on in all of us.

There was a time where I was dead set against Harry, but not of my own choosing...I was following someone else's lead. Back during a time when I almost wasn't allowed to think for myself or make my own decisions without being criticized by those around me. During a time when my oldest hated to read with a capital H! She discovered Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, then moved on to Chamber of Secrets and before I knew it my big girl who hated reading now couldn't stop. She read through every book that was available at the time and we got the rest as they were released. Curious as to why of all books she would go back and re-read these over and over, I picked up Harry and fell in love too. Though I haven't read them more than once, I am glad that I did read them. I am glad my girl found Harry and now enjoys reading.

Like many others, I am grateful to Jo for writing Harry's story. For inspiring not just my child but thousands of children to read. For inspiring people like me to want to write. Thank you Jo for bringing Harry to the world.

I highly recommend seeing the movie (more than once!!). Definitely worth every second.

Isn't She Just The Cutest Thing EVER???

This is the sweet little thing that showed up the other day and was hiding under the back porch. Isn't she just adorable??

She's been doing well so far. Eating like a horse. Isn't very fond of the other cats or the dogs yet, but she is doing well around them.

Her meow is so low, you can hardly hear it. I'm hoping her voice will get a little bit louder as she gets stronger and gains weight and such.

Now...I have been given the task of naming her. I don't have a clue. The girls say Luna. I've been bouncing around Bella (after the infamous Bellatrix LeStrange) or Nox. Yes they are all Harry Potter related. Or another I was thinking about was Onyxia after a dragon from Warcraft. Decisions Decisions!

And Another Kitten Appears!

So it seems like the Universe is determined to place a kitten in my/our care.
This morning after Sister 3 and Dad left to go visit Sister 1 and the Baby, I looked out the door and saw a little fluffy black kitten. I figured it couldn't be more than 8 weeks old. I thought I was seeing things, I had to look twice! I decided to grab my camera but when I looked again it was gone! No clue where it disappeared to except maybe under the back porch.

I took a look and couldn't see anything. Thinking perhaps in the last month I missed meeting a resident outside cat, I asked my Beloved who it might be. He had no clue what I was talking about. So when I heard from Mom later, I mentioned it to her and thus the mystery began of who this kitty was and where it came from.

When Sister 3 came home, I told her and soon after the peering under the porch and trying to coax it out began. It didn't take too long to lure the little critter out thankfully. Poor baby is so thin you can feel it's bones. We've determined it is a girl. And VERY hungry. Not knowing when she might have eaten last. She's a long hair, maybe part Angora or Persian? Her tail isn't fluffy like that though. If it wasn't that her fur was so fluffy she'd look like skin and bones!

She is all black far as I can tell right down to the tip of her cute little nose! In the lamp light it looks like she has red highlights. After a bowl of milk and some food she started to clean herself. And she does know how to use a litter box.

We have no clue where she came from, or how long she may have been under the porch even. All the cats here are fixed, so it isn't from one of ours.

I am trying to come up with a name for her. And I will try to take some pictures tomorrow to post of her. Tonight we just want her to relax and calm down, she was very nervous and skittish when we brought her in the house.

Shit she is a cute little bugger!!!

I'm PISSED! People Need To STFU!

Okay so I am a little calmer than I was last night, but I'm still mighty pissed off.

Apparently, the Ogre's sister (a bible thumping whack job) is praying for me to get better. I didn't know I was sick! I guess finding courage and following my heart makes me sick??? News to me. Also according to said Whack Job, things that made me leave were using the Ouija board in my teens and using the Tarot cards. HUH!! Who knew? I certainly didn't.

I have come to find out he put anything I left behind out in the already overstuffed garage since Whack Job came to stay. He didn't want her to have to look at my stuff. Okay, whatever. He is letting her use my Grandma's cedar wardrobe. This irritated the girls and they told her if I knew she was using it I would be mad. My youngest told her that it used to be Grandma's and that's why it stills smells like her. And Whack Job, said "What? You mean it smells dead??? Yep that's what it smells like dead dead dead!" WHAT A BITCH!!! That was a low fucking blow.

You can say what ever the fuck you want about me, but don't say it to my kids and don't you fucking dare talk about my grandmother! In all the years I never EVER once talked shit about there mother to anyone!!! Not that I had a bad word to say about the woman, but that's not the point.

Supposedly she's staying there too until the doctor gives her the okay to back the pit she came from. I know this will be hell for the girls. SHIT she's been there since Sunday and this is the shit she's stirred up so far. Not to mention how she was going on about the evils of Harry Potter.

Sometimes I wish I could turn her into something non-human like a bug or a worm LOL. I am just surprised that it took the Whack Job a whole fucking month to start shit.

Learning To Feel At Home

I can hardly believe I am here a month! I miss my girls of course. I do get to talk to them and think of them everyday.

So much as happened in such a short time. Soon after I got here my Beloved's Grandma got sick and spent a few days in the hospital. Nothing serious but when you're 90 they like to take precautions. She is home and doing fine. Last week we gained a baby kitten, but it didn't make it and passed yesterday. Which is also the day we welcomed a new baby to the family. I have finally met all the family now, Mom included. Once I got over my initial nerves, I felt like I had known her forever. We even planted our vegetable garden by twilight and the sliver of moon looking down at us. Yesterday I planted our herbs. The garden and herbs and such are my responsibility. I am fine with that, I love to garden :D

It's taken a little bit, but I am finally starting to relax, feel more at ease. Feeling like I can breathe. I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells constantly. I mean I still have my moments where I want to just go and hide, but I think it's getting better. I am still finding my place though, but I do feel like I am part of a family and not an outsider looking in.

I never thought I would feel at home in the middle of the country. Being a city girl and all. I wake up to a sunrise and can watch the sunset every night. I can see the stars clearer than I have in a long time and the moon oh the glorious moon. I have access to what can be a VERY big garden! I have a small herb garden. I can hear the neighbors horses whinnying in the morning, and no matter which window I look out I can see his crops growing or mountains in the distance. I am completely surrounded by nothing but the sounds of nature. Peaceful, tranquil...except for the rooster that can't tell time LOL.

Maybe this is how I will find my path since I have been feeling lost for the last few months. Maybe I'm not supposed to label it or follow a particular road. Maybe this is where I learn to intertwine the things I am drawn to regardless of what pantheon a Goddess or God belongs to. Where I learn to no get hung up on not having the right tools or the right method. Where I learn to connect with nature and the Goddess from the heart.

I am "home" because it is where my Beloved is. It is where I get to be myself or figure out who I am. Where I get to spend time with my Beloved...to just talk or watch a movie or just sit and be. Where I can get big warm hugs and learn that everything is going to be okay.

It's A Boy!!!

Sister 1 had the baby, 8 lbs and 11 oz. Momma and baby are doing fine.

I know Mom and sisters 2 and 3 are very happy. They got to see him
and said he's so cute.

I'm just glad mom and baby are fine.