Another Step

Trying to reach Miss Helpful can be frustrating since it's so hit and miss. I've yet to touch bases with her again. But it's just the nature of how things work with that. I'll get to talk to her eventually, and hopefully before I leave.

Which brings me to...I have my plane ticket. And I have a place to go to when I get there. So the count down to leaving officially begins today. I have about 36 days to figure out what I want to take with me, what can fit into 2 check in bags and a carry on. I can pack a 3rd bag if needed and if I want to spend $50 to do that.

I don't remember there being so many restrictions to traveling! I don't remember everything being a-la-cart either. I mean like I know they haven't served a meal on a flight in forever...the last meal I remember getting was probably in 94? When I flew back with my daughter after a visit to NY...I had so many bags and one was VERY LARGE and HEAVY!! I didn't have to pay extra. But it seems that is the norm now. Even when I flew to NY in 06 I didn't have to pay for checking in any bags.

So here I am, mental list ticking away...sifting through what is important, what I need, etc. Clothes of course top the list. My irreplaceable photo albums have to be with me too. Yes I could leave it with my girls but I dunno. I want to take some of my yarns and my paints too. My paints alone weigh 5 lbs!!! Sadly I can't take my large paper I don't think :( I've got the paintings I've done rolled up into 2 mailer tubes. I was thinking I might somehow send them ahead. Or I can leave them with my daughters.

How do I consolidate my life into 3 bags and a laptop case and one shipped computer? I don't even know if I would ever be able to even come get anything I do leave in the future. He may just end up tossing my things on spite for all I know.

Now I have to figure out when and how to tell the Ogre. I think this is the part that scares me most of all. I am not sure what I'll do if he tells me to get out right then and there. I hope to have most of my stuff packed and concealed before then. I suppose if I had to, I could go to the shelter (shutters) and have them pay for the ticket change if I had to leave sooner. But there I go over thinking again.

A Rough Day

It started fairly basic today. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I'm mysteriously out of printer ink. I don't think I printed that much stuff, but the well is dry and that is mildly frustrating.

I figured I'd make a copy of the bankruptcy discharge to have with me for later on. Well with no ink, I had to scan it instead. I went to move it from my scanned file to the documents file. And that's where I fell apart. I read some letters that my Beloved emailed to me a while back, and I haven't been able to stop crying.

I miss him terribly. My heart aches with the pain of how much I miss him. My eyes hurt from crying and having cramps from hell today isn't helping matters much either. Reading his words once again touched my heart so deeply. I just want us to be us again. We're happy together, we make each other happier than we've ever been apart, we're good together. We share many of the same ideals and even if there's things we don't see eye to eye on we can have a good debate over it and not fight over it.

What we have is so very rare, and it's good and pure, and true. We belong together. I truly believe that we are the kind of soulmates that find each other again and again in every lifetime, that the love that is shared guides us together every time. He said he felt the same way. I deserve to be loved by him and be happy with him, we deserve to be with each other. I just want to be with my Beloved.

Update on the advocate front: I spoke to her briefly yesterday. The one lawyer she was trying to get is booked for the next couple of months. So she is trying to get me another. I talked to her again about getting out to where my Beloved is, and she said once again that they can help me with that. Went so far as to tell me to not worry about how much it will cost because they will take care of it. This baffles me somewhat, as the other girl said it would depend on the month's budget of what they had to work with. I'm also unsure of how all this will work if they pay for me to get out there. I don't want trouble with the Ogre. There is no need for other agencies to get involved either. I don't know if they would, I'm just saying there isn't a need for it. Or if it would be best to just get the tickets on my own when the prices drop again. Hmmm, what to do...what to do.

I'm Packing!

I think I've finally realized that while I can work towards things like getting help from the advocate, unfortunately I'll probably be a pain in the ass since she's so hit and miss. I can't sit by and do nothing. I also need to make things happen. I realize there will NEVER really be a perfect time, a right time. So, I've been checking prices, laws for Idaho, etc. I found that I can fly out for just $20-$40 more than the bus ticket would be, depending on when I actually fly out. That part will depend on timing AND my friend helping me get to the Gold shop.

I will be shipping my PC and monitor. And will probably mail my art that I've worked on recently, and my paints, and maybe a couple of small boxes of books MAYBE. I can only take 2 bags for check-in, and 1 carry on not counting purse/laptop. So what ever I am taking needs to fit in those things and no more.

These last few days, I've started weeding through all the crap I've accumulated. Have shredded 5 trash bags worth of stuff and still going.

What I need to figure out is how far back on the taxes should I take copies of? I'm not on the house title, but am on the mortgage. And I'm joint on the car that will be paid off in less than a year. We have no joint cards together, and I'm not on any of the bank accounts. I've made copies of what I can so far. Pay stubs for the Ogre though I'll need more current ones soon, I have a copy of his last 401k statement.

The thing is I want nothing from this guy except my freedom. Part of me feels a bit selfish for wanting to be free, not selfish in regards to him though. But I guess that's normal. I stood outside earlier and looked around, and I thought...soon, I won't be seeing this anymore. I'm fairly sure I won't miss the neighborhood. I'm not close to any of my neighbors. It would probably be awhile before any of them even noticed I had left...if they notice or the girls or the Ogre tell someone.

I'm scared to be doing this...I mean moving 2200 miles is huge. I'm also excited at the same time. I feel like I'm really going to get to start my life, whether it be anew or start over. I've made my choices, the cards will fall where they will. I haven't told the Ogre yet, as I still need to pick a date and coordinate a couple more things. I don't know what will happen with me and my Beloved either. I am as always hopeful. We talk every day and I am grateful for that and cherish every second. And I will finally get to be around the people I call family. They are more like family to me than I have ever felt in my own blood family. I cannot wait to get out there. Soon can't come soon enough!

Still No Word

I've been playing a game of one sided phone tag since Friday with Ms. Helpful. She's been tied up with court everyday. And seems will be till at least Thursday. I will try on Friday, BUT...with it being Good Friday, I don't know if they will be in the office. AND the Ogre is home too! BLEH!!!

I'm going to keep pursuing this option for as long as I can. While I'm waiting to talk to her, I've been purging old shit from my possession that I don't need... How I keep so much shit, is beyond me! I mean old junk mail I never got around to tossing, old bills, just plain crap. The shredder hasn't seen this much of a work out since I moved Grandma down here in 2001! No joke, I overheat the sucker at least 3 times a day!

Another avenue I might consider is leaving and then filing from Idaho. I will need to call some legal services down there and inquire about that. GA law says I have to file where the Ogre resides. ID law says I have to file where I reside, and I have to live there minimum 6 weeks. I'd need to establish residency (somehow, somewhere).

I'm counting on that the Ogre doesn't and won't have money to file before I do. I'm hoping that we can do this all amicably. I don't know when to tell him and get him to accept that I want out. So many times, I've been so close to saying it. But I need to make sure I have my stuff together first. And deciding what to take isn't easy...it's not hard, but it's not easy.

When I was 16, I lost everything just about due to being evicted. So I tend to hold onto things, more than I should. But I can't take everything. I need to just take what's important. And maybe the stuff I can't take right now, I can have someone hold for me and ship later. Once I'm settled. I'd start sending stuff myself, but I think that would raise suspicion. So I better not. And then not knowing just how soon I will be getting out there....I've given myself a minimum/maximum time frame just to keep myself on track. If I stay with the it will happen whenever attitude, I will end up staying longer than I should. And that will wear me down even more. I have to make this happen, it won't just manifest by itself. It's scary but in a good kind of way (I think lol).

Back to Advocate #1

Since my last post, I've been in contact with the first advocate I spoke to on the phone. I tell you these two women are like night and day. She knew I was in the office and had spoken to the other girl. I told her I was more comfortable speaking/dealing with her rather than Miss Thing. I told her that she just sent me on my way with a list of numbers but I really was at a loss as to what I should do, what questions to ask, etc. Miss Helpful told me to call the Legal Services number on Tuesday and see what they could do for me and then get back to her after I called them.

Tuesday rolled around and well boy was I stunned yet again! I called the number, and got told flat out NO! The reason...It's not physical! OMG seriously? I'm like but I'm being abused emotionally and such. "Sorry Ma'am, if it's not physical we can't advise on it." So I go and call Miss Helpful and oh noes! She's out of town until Thursday. Oh for fuck sakes! really? I mean really?!

So here comes Thursday...and Yay! Miss Helpful is in the office. I told her I called the number and got told no they won't advise me. Hell they won't even hear what I have to say. She was surprised and was like so "he's gotta punch you in the face before they will help? That's not right!" I told her well at least you know they won't help any other type of victim of abuse. She then told me she was trying to find some one that would help me out and take my case. She just hasn't heard back yet. Miss Helpful said it's not going to be easy, but we will find someone. And that it shouldn't take forever to find a lawyer either.

I told her that I want to get out of the state as soon as I am able to. She said they can definitely help me with that. It's funny though, she's says they definitely can and Miss Thing says maybe, maybe not. It's like do they even work at the same office? Then I asked her about the whole abandonment thing. I think she made a quick phone call and said that while he can if he wants to be an ass, the problem comes in if he decides to file an abandonment warrant. Where he states that I left and I'm not supporting my child. Kind of hard to do with no income! BUT...it would cost him $200 to file it!

I'm hoping that when it comes down to it, we can be amicable about the whole thing. My youngest would be staying and that was his biggest issue, if I took the kids. Do I like it that she wants to stay? Fuck no, it hurts and makes me sad. But just because I will leave doesn't mean I stop being her mother. I will always be there for her and she would always have a home with me.

Tomorrow, I have to touch bases with Miss Helpful to see if she's heard anything from the people she's contacted. I'm trying to keep myself calm. Not get too excited or hopeful...not yet. One step at a time. I am going to start packing what I discretely can. Like my scrapbooks and pictures, genealogy binders, start sorting through my clothes again pack some that I plan to take that I don't really need to have out at the moment. That sort of thing. Also next week, hopefully I'll be getting together with my one and only friend here and she's going to take me to the gold shop so I can sell my gold.

It feels almost like I'm moving in the right direction(s) but in slow motion. Sometimes it even feels like things are just standing still. Once all is said and done with the advocates and such, I have the executive director's email. I will be informing her of what Miss Thing said and how she handled me.

I still don't know what will happen between me and my Beloved. I'm still fighting for us and trying not to push or rush things. I remain hopeful that we are finding our way back, and that we will be together. It's my love for him that keeps me going. That he is still in my life, and that we still talk everyday...just knowing he's there gives me strength and comfort. I just miss him/us very much and I love my Beloved with all my heart.

Disappointing Advocate

I went to see the advocate from the shelter today. Her official title is "Legal Advocate". I left her office feeling like a child told to sit at the table until she finished all her peas.

I felt no connection with this woman at all, other than I felt like she was judging me. She asked me what was going on, so I tried to explain to her. She was like no...I don't want to know about past stuff how about more recent. So I told her that...and she was all 'mmhmmm mmhmmm' 'yes what you are saying all constitutes abuse'. Then she says some thing like 'I'm not getting all "Oh my goodness" about it because I hear stories like this 10 times a day, you're not telling me anything new.' I asked well what are my options. I can't take it anymore, I have no support system here, no friends no family...I have no job, no money...I need help what can I do?

She said she can't advise me on things like that, she's only allowed to file Temporary Orders of Protection. I'm sorry you work at a crisis center and the only thing you can tell me is that if I need a TPO you can file it. She went on to tell me she only studied Criminal Law so she's not allowed to do anything else. She kept taking calls from another client while I was there, and to be honest I don't feel she handled that very well either.

In the end she handed me a sheet of paper with names and numbers to lawyers, Legal Services, Legal Aid, and a referral service that has a 30 minute free consult. And she told me IF I use it, I better have all my questions ready other wise I might end up wasting my 30 minutes on 2 questions. I asked her well what sort of questions should I ask...got the can't answer that reply.

She also gave me paper with the name and number to the psychologist they use. Then she says well you probably don't really need to call her, you already know it's abuse.

She told me I couldn't or shouldn't leave until I had a lawyer take my case and it was filed and only AFTER they tell me it's okay to leave the state so I can be near my support system. She said if I leave, the Ogre can cite abandonment, say I'm unfit, etc. And then she was like you really don't want those kinds of charges against you, do you? So I said but if I went to a shelter he can't do that, she was like yea true.

I kept trying to find out what my options were, short of going to the shelter. She didn't give me any. Just told me to call the numbers on the list. And when they say I can leave then come in or call and see if they can help me get out to my Beloved and his family. Then before she sends me on my way (because now she has to go meet a judge she says) she tells me "Well I don't know what your belief in god is. But have you consider that maybe he is testing you to see how strong your faith is? Everything happens for a reason, and maybe he is testing you to see if you will give up on yourself. And if you give up on yourself, then god will give up on you."

I was stunned. Lucky I'm not christian anymore. But holy shit if I was...I mean wtf?! How can you tell somebody their abuse is a test from god and basically saying suck it up. If you want out you're on your own I gave you lawyer numbers you do the rest. I left feeling like I kicked in the gut. I asked for help and got slapped in the face.

I will attempt to see the girl I originally spoke to on the phone next week. See if I can't get some better advice. If not, I don't know what to do next. My Beloved says we will get through this. To just forget about this chick, and pretend she didn't happen. To go back next week and see if Girl #1 can help me out.

It Is You, I Always Knew

I don't know how to say it the way I wish I could. My words seem to jumble up and tumble out in a mixed mess. But this I know my Beloved...

From that very first hello, I knew
How I would hold my breath and wait to see if you noticed me, I knew
From the first time we spoke, I knew
That first conversation, where you said I love you...I knew
When I tried to hold the words back that slipped so breathlessly from my lips, that I love you too, I knew
From the first time we saw each other, I knew

There is never a day that goes by since that very first one, that I ever doubted that I love you.
There is never a day that goes by since that I ever doubted your love for me.
There has not been a day since you left that I have not missed you to the point of aching.
I cannot look at the door without remembering when you strode through and bounded up the stairs to take me in your arms for the first time.
I cannot look at the spot we stood in without remembering your arms around me, how safe and loved I felt for the first time in my life. How truly happy I was just being with you.
Or the spot where you knelt down and put the ring you so lovingly picked out just for me and when you slipped on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you.
I cannot look at that same door without remembering how we cried when you left. And your promise that it would not be forever. That we would be together again, as soon as possible.

With every word, with every I love you, with every promise you made...I knew
I know you never lie to me, I know you are the one, My soul mate and love of my life.

I know that my heart aches for you, an ache that is beyond bearable.
I know that we are meant to be together, that we have a life to be shared that is meant just for the two of us to share. We have the kind of love that is rare, beautiful and true.
I know that we are forever, the forever kind of love, the kind of love that can see us through to the end of time. We have the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind that allows to us to find each other again and again in each life we live.

When you found me, I knew it was you...the one I'd wished for all my life.
If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that it's you, my Beloved...it's you, that I love and want to be with for the rest of my life no matter what it takes....it's you it's you it's you and this I knew then and still know now.
I always knew it was you since the day you found me.
I love you, with all that is in me, with my whole heart and soul, I love you S. With every breath, with every heart beat, I love you.