Struggle For Words

How do you dig so deep inside yourself to pour out the words to express how you feel? I try to piece the words into sentences in my mind, and for a brief moment they sound fine until I try to speak them. Then they sound pitiful, mixed up, and I am afraid sound so far from what I'm trying to say that I wonder if I really am being understood. Or what do you do when you have things you want to say, need to say, and you don't know how to say it? I am really struggling with this one. I don't want to hold back that's what got me to where we are at the moment. Holding back made such a mess of things and I'm done with all of that shit. I need to speak from my heart, but how to get the words from my heart out of my mouth.

I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.

When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.

I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.

And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.

He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.

The End of BIG - Week 1

I have to say I liked week 1 for the most part. The exercises I that I thought were going to be hard were easier and vice versa. I'm still learning how to really listen to what the painting wants. It's harder than you think. And Fear, boy that one shows up in all kinds of guises.

I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.

After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.

Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.

At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.

Drowning in Emotion

Ever since I made that call on Wednesday, I have felt like I am drowning in emotions. I feel like someone has ripped a too small bandage off a very deep and raw wound. I feel it deep in my gut and in my heart. The feeling of just wanting to cry and cry won't go away. Feeling alone and like I've lost everything and everyone, even though those I love and that support me are still very much right here. They haven't left me.

I plan to go into see the advocates on Monday, but I will admit I am terrified. I am scared that this feeling of being raw, open and wounded will only get deeper and worse. I am terrified that in the end, I will end up being lost and alone when all is said and done. I've been so condition from a young age to detach and suppress, that while in someways I welcome the pain because I know I'm not numb. At the same time, I don't know how much I can take.

I miss my Beloved so much, my heart literally hurts. It feels like it is breaking over and over into a million pieces. And all I can do is hope and pray and wish we find our way back together. I don't want know what it would be like to live without him by my side, to have to live without telling him or showing him how much I love him. To have to live with out showing him how happy he makes me and how much he means to me. I don't want to have to go through life with out my Beloved. But all I can do is wish, hope and pray, and tell him I love him when I can.

I have even resorted to speaking out loud to my Grandma. I miss her so much. I wish she was here to give me advice or at least put her arms around me, kiss the top of my head and tell me I was her angel and everything would be okay. I just wish she wasn't so cryptic when she told me things back then. But it was her way of giving advice sometimes. Sometimes I know she is with us, we can smell her sometimes other times we think we hear her walking. I could really use her help right now. I wonder if it's possible that she could somehow.

My Baby Girl Turned 15 Today!

Today my little one turned 15. It seemed like just yesterday I was looking at her for the first time. And now she's grown and beautiful, smart and witty (bit of a smart ass too).

I only wish the best for my little one, for both my girls. I wish them happiness, good health, good friends, much love and joy, and to follow their hearts in all they do.

Happy birthday my little faerie child, Mama loves you.

Taking Another Step

So yesterday, after staring at the number once I entered it in my cell phone for like an hour, I called the local women's shelter and spoke to an advocate. She is encouraging me to come in and speak to her and a colleague further. She understands my reasons for trying to avoid going to the shelter right now.

She told me every little thing, no matter if it's the silent treatment with the dirty looks, or the full blown being shouted at...whether it's everyday, once a week, or once a month...everything he does down to controlling if or when I can go to the store is all abuse. That really is a hard pill to swallow. She's suggested group counseling but the one she's recommending is at least a 15 minute car ride from me and there is NO WAY in hell the Ogre will take me there. On a Monday night no less.

The other good news though is that they have several lawyers they work with and chances are good they can find one to take me on pro bono. Also more good news is after all that is done, they can help me get out of state. Now, once I'm out there, I don't know what will happen. It's a bit too far ahead to see or plan out. I don't know if they can help get any public assistance applications or housing applications going for me, or they could set me up with a shelter to go to for a little bit.

I need to take this one step at a time. I need to figure out all that I want or need to take. I still have some papers I need to pull together that the lawyer might need. I need to figure out what I will do once he is served with the divorce papers. Is there someone I can stay with or will I have to actually resort to going to a shelter for that time until the divorce is finalized? Still a lot of unanswered questions. If I go to the shelter they can ensure my safety just in case, and make sure I make any and all court appearances. She's even suggesting I consider filing for a TPO. It's a long shot to get a judge to approve since the Ogre hasn't physically or verbally threatened to do me or the girls harm. It would make the Ogre have to leave the house, and I don't know what kind of repercussions this could have later. Yes I know it's there to protect me and the girls if I got one. But outside of the Ogre's threats to have me declared unfit...I am not sure I have a chance or reason to get one.

I also told her about how the Ogre kept telling me at one point I was depressed and that I needed to see a therapist or go to the doctor for medication. She said the Ogre was definitely looking to twist things to make me look or seem crazy and/or in need of meds to use against me later on. Seems to be a classic sign among abusers, one among many.

Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I will probably go up to see her on Monday since it's walking distance for me to get to. It's all very overwhelming and I just feel like such an emotional wad of tears. Missing my Beloved and my heart aching over us only adds to the desire to sit myself in a corner and just cry until I can't anymore. I guess you could say I'm a crier, it's how I try to get through the emotions like a release. It's part of who I am it seems.

Wishcast Wednesday - Sparkle!

Yea yea a day late, what else is new? LOL. I really didn't feel like doing this one at all. Yesterday I just didn't feel very sparkly or shiny or anything remotely close to such. Right now, I still don't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to.

I wish to sparkle in all I do. In my relationships with my Beloved and my girls, in love with my Beloved, in art, in life.

How would you answer Jamie's question of How do you wish to sparkle?

How Am I Going to Afford to Leave?

That's a question that has been on my mind, in the forefront. No matter how I slice and dice it, I'm still going to need some money to do this. Whether it's to buy a ticket, stay at a motel, buy food to eat...I am going to need money.

But the one question I keep asking is where will it come from? Since I don't drive and all that, and since he'd expect my income to go towards bills as I've said before...a 'real' job isn't an option. Remember the Ogre doesn't know my plans to leave, and I need to keep it that way.

So what other options are there? I've looked at work at home job sites, telecommuting sites, even Craigs List. But you can't tell a scam from the real deal. Well, at least I can't. I would love to do something freelance. I like to do research online about most subjects, I always got A's in writing in my 1 year at college. But I've never been published...so I don't know how to pursue that path. I love to read, but don't know any kind of job that requires me to do that lol.

I don't feel confident enough to sell any art online, not that I've made anything yet either besides my crocheted bags. With that it's I have no clue how to price them, what to charge for shipping, etc. I've been asked if they were lined and currently they aren't. But I was thinking of lining some now. Then I'd need the courage to list them LOL. But I don't think they'd be enough to get me out of here anytime soon. Of course, I could keep making them if they kept selling...but that's an unknown factor. The down side is they may not sell at all.

I don't want to get into any home party type things right now either. I don't have the money to invest and then I'd have to have the Ogre run me all over and I never was good at getting parties booked to begin with. I'm not a pushy person, I'm not overly assertive, so I don't do too well with those types of endeavors.

I am open to suggestions as to what I can do from home to make some money, that isn't a scam, that isn't multi-level marketing, that isn't a home party business.