BIG starts on Sunday...Damn I'm Nervous

So, BIG starts on Sunday. I'm really nervous and excited at the same time. I really don't know what to expect from this whole thing. It was just one of those things that the more I heard about it, the more I felt like I just had to take this workshop. I'm not an artist by any means...well I don't see myself as one. I am still learning a lot about drawing faces and whimsy characters in my art journal. I am still learning how to use my watercolor crayons and paints. And I am scared shit of acrylics...but guess what we're using for BIG...yep acrylics! I feel like such a noob and there's a part of me going what the fuck are you thinking? You can't paint, let alone paint big...you're nuts!

Well maybe I am! I've been in this fucked up marriage long enough and verbally/emotionally abused long enough that I swear I have a case of the crazies.

Some where along the road, I lost the ability to trust and believe in myself...to trust my intuition. To have faith in myself. And of all the things I read about BIG...it's all about getting in touch with your intuition, learning to trust yourself...to be FEARLESS. Maybe somewhere in these next 6 weeks, I will find myself in a place where I can be FEARLESS. Where I won't doubt myself and second guess all the time. Where I can trust myself as much as I trust my Beloved. Where the fears of what I am trying to accomplish won't seem so big and scary.

We shall see. But I know I am looking forward to BIG and to learning to paint FEARLESSly. I am looking forward to breaking free of the Ogre and living a happy, creative, big, fearless, juicy life. I can only hope that my Beloved will share this life I see for us with me, but only time will tell what will happen there.

But stay tuned because next week I will be blogging about my BIG adventure.

Feelings

The more I think about and try to plan all this out in my head for the most part and on part, the more scared I get. My mind tends to go a million miles a minute, and I start to think what if I can't get the assistance I need? What if I would have to go into a shelter even for a short time to get the assistance? What if I can't find a job? How would I support myself, pay rent and bills, buy food? I know, I am worrying about stuff that hasn't even been applied for yet and about stuff in a place I'm not even at yet. But this shit is scary! I am wanting to move...2200 miles away....by myself! I mean yes it's to be around people I think of as family, it's to be closer to my Beloved even if I don't know what's going to happen with us, it's to gain my freedom from the Ogre. That is my new name for "HIM" ...the Ogre! LOL!!!

And then...I start to feel selfish. I am always putting everyone else first and myself last. The Ogre (well used to), the kids. The girls are 15 and 18, certainly not babies anymore...but to me it still feels like I am being selfish. Like how dare I want a life, how dare I want to be happy and away from the Ogre. How dare I want to be with my Beloved, the man I love with every ounce of my being. And if I end up leaving without them, I start to feel like I am abandoning them. And that is most certainly what the Ogre will be telling them as often as possible.

At what point in my life am I allowed to say enough?! It's time for me...for me to be me, to be happy, to be loved. When? Why do I have to feel like I am so alone, scared, selfish, and like I am abandoning my girls? WHY????

I am tired of feeling like I am holding my breath and walking on eggshells. All week we've been scared that the Ogre was going to have one of his fits. The Ogre has been pissy almost every night this week and half the time none of us knew why. And then...I always get THE LOOK. The one where the Ogre glares at me every time he passes my desk. It sucks because to get to the TV room you have to pass through my room, and to go back upstairs you have to pass through my room. It feels like Grand Central sometimes. And don't dare consider locking the door! Who the hell am I to want some fucking privacy so I can talk to my Beloved, or his mom, or anyone privately for that matter! I asked once to switch rooms, let me have the TV room and make room the TV room...you would have thought I asked the Ogre to cut off his arm. Not the precious! Not the TV room! I was like for fuck sakes! I'm not saying I want the fucking TV just the fucking room! Move that shit in here, and I'll move my shit in there...then I can have more space. A place to sleep and create. BUT...NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm just a bundle of mixed up feelings. My mind can't stop playing the what if game. Like I said, I'm scared, a nervous wreck, feeling like I'm being selfish, feeling like I'd be abandoning the girls...all because I want to take back control of my life and live for me. To be the person I should be, the person my Beloved has seen in me for so long. Is that really so wrong?

Answers to a Few Questions I Have Been Asked

Okay, phew...I never thought about some of these or I may have talked about them ages ago...I guess it's time for an update of sorts.

Do I have family or friends that can help?

None that would be willing to help as far as my family goes. And it's not that they can't, they just won't. It's how they are. They have their reasons most which hinge, I believe, on how my mother was/is. I can't fault them for that really.

As for friends, over the years "HE" has managed to isolate me from friends and family. So for the most part, there really isn't anyone I can ask for help. And of the friends I did have, we never had the kind of friendship where they'd have my back if I was in trouble. Most of the people I know here are "HIS" friends. And the one friend that I do have down here isn't in a position to help me.

I don't want to go back to NY where I am from. Mainly because it's expensive as fuck to live there. I have no one to stay with if I did. And I don't feel I would have the support system I needed as I went through the healing process. Where as if I went out to Idaho where my Beloved and his family are, I would be around people that care for me and love me and would support me through my healing process.

Is my Beloved and "HIM" the same person?

OH! Heavens no, LOL. "HIM" would be the ass I am married to and want to get the hell away from.

My Beloved is a wonderful, caring, smart, funny, talented, loving man. My Beloved is sensitive and gentle, strong, understanding...He is a really amazing guy! My Beloved is my soul mate and love of my life, the other half of my heart and soul.

Can I stay with my Beloved's family should I manage to get out there?

At the moment, I would have to say no. I haven't spoken to them about it right now. For a few reasons....1) They are having their own financial difficulty at the moment and I don't want to add to any burden. 2) I am still working on a plan to even get out of here, so I don't want to jump the gun and start asking things like that when I don't even have a foot out the door yet.

Some suggestions were made that maybe if they could let me stay for a short time, and I got food stamps and public assistance I could contribute in some way so that I am not causing more of a burden on them financially. Again, I don't know if that would be an option right now. I'm going to focus on fact finding right now. I will talk with my Beloved's Mom and with my Beloved and see what we can come up with.

When it rains, it pours...so things are very tight for everyone right now. So if I can make it out there, I want to have some sort of plan in place where I can either have a place to stay or if the possibility to stay with them for a short time is there, I want to know I can offer something in return.

Do I have a job, car, income of my own, etc?

At present, I do not have a job. I chose to stay home and homeschool my girls, then my Grandma came to live with us and we were blessed to have her for 5 years with us. The little money that was left after she passed away, "HE" blew through it because "HE" just had to have a new car after "HE" promised up and down to get a part time job to pay it off so that I'd have that money for an emergency.
If I got a job, I would have to rely on "HIM" to get me to and from. 1) I don't drive (go ahead laugh lol) 2) there is only one car.
and 3) IF I got a job right now, "HE" would expect me to put any and all money I get from working towards bills, mortgage, food, etc even though "HIS" income should be enough.
So...no income of my own. I am trying to figure out some ways I can make some money with out "HIM" knowing. Maybe some sort of work from home thing that isn't a scam. Getting my ass in gear and opening my Etsy shop. Selling off any jewelry, old homeschooling books, etc.

I've already told my Beloved, that once I am out there I am willing to do what ever I need to do even if it meant going back to work at Wendy's for a while. Yes I'd even go back to insurance but that would me classes and testing with money I should use for other things. But now that's jumping the gun, as I'm not even out there yet.

I hope this clears up a few things. I know I've been rambling a bit in my posts, but I have all this stuff in my head and I need to put them somewhere. And I really need all the support, encouragement, strength, positive thoughts, prayers, candles you name....that I can get for finding a way out, finding the means to do it, for my Beloved and I to find our way back. I love my Beloved with all my heart, I am doing this not just for myself, but for him and for us as well. It is time for me to do what's right for me, and my Beloved is what is right. Getting out of here and away from the Ogre is what is right. So if you all can do whatever it is you do, to help me get through this and find my answers and get out...I will love and appreciate it deeply.

Bright blessings to you all.

So Much to Process...Info Overload

I've spent most of this week just researching Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse. Boy they aren't kidding when they say it can give you a 'case of the crazies'. The more I read, the more it sounds like my situation. Even if it isn't every day, the innuendos, the little remarks, the dirty looks...are always there.

I've spent YEARS blaming myself for it all. Thinking if I had done this or that, things would have been different. But I am realizing that no matter what I would have done, the outcome would be the same. I know now I should never have married him, but I can't go back into the past and change that. I know now that I am not to blame. No amount of counseling can fix this. In "HIS" mind, I am the one that needs to be fixed that there isn't anything wrong with "HIM". Do I need fixing? Hell yes...from all the lies and shit "HE'S" told me over the years. To repair myself esteem, to learn to love myself, to learn to be me, to learn to stop second guessing everything I do. But this thing "HE" calls a marriage...there is no fixing it. I want out and I aim to do just that.

I've also spent quite a bit of time looking up information for what kind of assistance I can get when I get to where I want to be. It's confusing and overwhelming. I don't know if I can get some of the help I will need without having gone through a shelter. And in the end, if it will get me from point A to point B, I might have to do that even if its for a few days until they can get me out of the state. I still need to check and see if they will even do that.

The downside to all this, is that my youngest has pretty much decided she wants to stay here. It makes me sad that she wants to do that. I've tried to reason with her, explain to her why she shouldn't...but she doesn't seem to want to change her mind. It hurts, and makes me feel like when the time to leave comes that I'd be abandoning her. But she just keeps telling me 'Mom, do what you need to do. You aren't abandoning me. If you need to leave, it's okay.' I can only hope she will change her mind, but I don't know if she will.

I am trying to do this one step at a time. Read, read, read...bookmark...read, read, read more. Jot down notes. Go through and see what I have that might be sellable. Purge the unnecessary and unwanteds...clothes, papers, books, junk. Figure out what is important and necessary. Figure out how to ship the things I need like my computer or if I took a bus could I some how take these things with me. But with 4 transfers to make to get from here to there...I don't know if that's a good option. So many things to consider, choices to make, things to do.

But the one choice I am absolutely sure of is that I need to get out. As soon as I am able to, but not so fast that I miss a step or two. I need to do this right.

On the Edge of Breakthroughs or Am I Just Crazy?

I hesitated for well over a week to post up my "Crash and Burn" post. It was and is a hard thing to talk about what my fears have been doing to me and us. I don't know what is going to happen with me and my beloved. I refuse to give up hope...what we have is true and good, honest and pure, it's rare what we have and so very, very hard to find. I will not give up hope on us. We are worth it, we are good together, we belong together. And so hope I will, because I cannot give up.

Living here, feels like I am constantly walking on eggshells and that I live in a house of glass with lots of cracks. One wrong step, and I'm afraid it will all crash down around me. I have this desperation to get out, that I cannot explain. Maybe it is my intuition kicking in? I don't know. Learning to trust and tap into my gut feelings, my intuition, to trust my heart...it's so hard. The first thing I start to do is second guess myself. But my beloved is right there to tell me to knock it off, to stop doubting myself.

Trying to wrap my head around the idea that living with "HIM" has been abusive for most of the 20 years, is really difficult. I've been reading and reading and reading different sites...all the indicators are there. The put downs, the sarcastic remarks, the lies, the yelling, the banging doors or breaking things to intimidate me...and even when he doesn't do these things out right...the little comments, the innuendos are always there. Even the little sexual comments like when "HE" tossed a Hershey bar on my desk a few weeks ago..."HE" said 'you know back in the day a Hershey bar would get a sailor laid'. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say. And now there's the financial control. "HE" is the only one that can write checks or use the accounts. My name is on nothing. I cannot do any shopping with out "HIM" being present. In fact most times, "HE" goes and gets stuff with out me so "HE" doesn't have to talk me. If I do go, it has to be "HIS" idea when "HE" feels like it. Because it's not all the time, it makes it harder to wrap my head around. But I've had more people tell me it is, and not one tell me it isn't. So if others see it for what it is and I see it for what it is...why is it so hard to accept? Maybe because I told myself I would never get into another abusive relationship again. And yet I did, and I spent some much time blaming myself and then "HIM" blaming me for all the problems...it's a lot.

But the more I try to wrap my head around this thing of abuse, the crazier it makes me feel. I have no visible scars, no wounds, no broken or healed bones. Everything, every scar is mental, emotional...wounds and scars that cannot be seen physically. Having been so isolated from family and friends...talking about this to them has been difficult. I feel like I am coming out of a closet in many ways, but only one foot out and one still in...always afraid someone will turn around and blame me for all of this. Everything I have been reading says that trying to grasp the facts of this type of abuse does make one feel crazy...seems that's the abuser whole intent as part of the control they want/need to have.

I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't! I just don't know where to start to find my way out. I can't get any sort of public assistance while I live here. Emotionally and mentally I don't feel I can handle going to a shelter. More isolation is not the answer. I don't know what steps to take to find my way out of this mess. I don't know what questions to ask, if I can get a Legal Aide or Pro Bono attorney. Trying to figure all this out, makes me feel even crazier. I don't like feeling this way.

I just know I have this desperate feeling to get out and away from "HIM". "HE's" not done anything (yet). But knowing that the for most verbal/emotional abusers the next step is to get physical, that scares me. Would "HE"? I don't know, but I don't want to find out either.

I just wish I could figure out what to do first. And I just wish all this didn't make me feel crazy.

BIG!

I'm going to do the BIG! workshop with Connie from dirtyfootprints-studio.com!

I don't know what to expect from it. I don't know what this workshop will help me accomplish. But from the things I've read, I just feel like it's something I need to do.

In someways I feel like I'm on the verge of something...a breakthrough perhaps. I don't know. I guess in 6 days, when BIG starts, I will begin to find out hopefully.

Stay tuned .... I will be blogging about my BIG adventure.

Crash and Burn

My fears, my doubts, my worries...caused me to crash and burn. When it hit me what my fears were doing, it was too late. I hurt the person I love the most all because of my fears. My heart aches that I let my fears and doubts in myself consume me so much that I hurt my beloved.

Now, I'm in the process of trying to change all that. I'm trying and learning to stop second guessing everything I say or do. I'm trying and learning how to let go of all the fears and hurts, the doubts and the worries. I'm tired of pushing and shutting my beloved out every time I get scared. I thought by doing that I was protecting him, I had no idea what I was doing.

I want to be the person my beloved sees in me. I want to accept that I am all those things he sees. I do deserve him, I do deserve his love and the love of his family. I had no right to say I didn't. It was their choice to love me, all I have to do is accept it. I can only hope and pray that all is not lost.

All this time he did all the fighting, and I just hid because I was afraid. Now it's my turn to fight. Not just for myself, to change into the person I want to be...but for us. WE ARE worth it, we are worth fighting for.

I love my beloved with everything that is within me, to the very core of me. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He is my soulmate, the love of my life. He is my rock, my angel, my muse. He is my everything. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could ever be. He and the girls are my whole world. I don't want to go through life without him or his love.

I will fight my demons! Every last one of them! I should have fought them before, I was afraid I couldn't win. Now I have no choice but to win. My beloved is always telling me I can do this. He doesn't lie to me, if he thinks I can then it's true. If he believes it then I have to believe it. I refuse to doubt him, I trust him with my life, with my heart, with my soul.

I have finally realized that I am worth it. That I do deserve to be loved and happy. So I will fight until I am out of the darkness, and with his help I know I can make it. I know he hasn't given up on me, I can only hope he hasn't given up on us. I love you my beloved, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, I love you. I'm worth it, you are worth it, WE are worth it.

I have to fight. I have to break free of all these fears and doubts. I don't want to end up like my mother...angry, bitter and alone.

And so I fight...for myself, for you my beloved, for us, for the girls. I fight because I love all of you, I fight because we all deserve to be happy...I fight because I have to, my life, my love and my happiness depend on it.