Soulmates...real or imagined? Was I deceived?

Do they really exist? Sometimes I think so, other times I don't. I mean take for instance my oldest and her best friend. B's friend lives in Canada, we live down in Georgia. They have never met face to face and have been friends for over 3 years now I think it is. They are like two peas in a pod as they say. And could very well fit the profile of friend soulmates if you you will.

But here is why I question if it's a real thing or was I deceived somehow. Let's go back 20 years or so. I was engaged to a man who I thought I loved, we didn't communicate much and he ended up being very possessive of me and one day was about to punch me. That day I think was the turning point for me and I knew I didn't want to be in another physically abusive relationship.

I was raised Catholic, but I didn't really believe all that stuff I was taught over the years I attended Catholic school. I was at that time drawn to a pagan path but didn't know anything about how to learn more about it. But anyway, I laid on my bed one night, 4th of July to be exact. I was watching the Macy's fireworks on TV and spoke out loud. I don't remember my exact words but it went along the lines of "God if you are real, bring me someone who won't abuse me. That is love, kind, caring." Etc, etc...you get the picture, right?

So two months later, I'm at work. And this guy walks in to the store, I notice his shirt and commented on it. We start talking and it was like time stopped and I "heard a voice" (yes it was a male voice lol) say this is the one, the one I have for you. I was thinking to myself like you're kidding right, this isn't real. Him? And over the course of a few months he appeared sweet and charming, said all the right things. He was 16 years my senior. I was young, naive, desperate for unconditional love. So desperate I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in the face.

Eight months later we were married. I was longing to get out from under my codependent mother, I was wooed by his charm and promises. He convinced me that the "voice" I heard was destiny telling us we were soulmates and meant to be together. But now here I am, 20 years later and I'm miserable, desperate to get out, alienated from my family for the most part, stuck in a marriage that I believe now was never meant to be.

So how can he be or have been my soulmate? I didn't think they were supposed to hurt the ones they are suppose to love or are supposedly destined to be with. I never felt any "soul connection" to him. I'm not even sure any more if I ever loved him. I know now I was never "in love" with him.

I just don't know if I believe in soulmates. Sometimes the word seems to be made up to be used against a person to keep them in a relationship they don't belong in.

Student, Seeker, Seaching for me (crosspost from my other blog)

So I have ordered and received my lessons from NAIMH. And I am working on the first lesson. Part of the assignment is to listen to 2 lectures and write a 1-2 page paper on them. I've been hesitant lol, I've not had to write a paper in about 20 years since I was a student at LaGuardia Community College. I'm nervous and scared about writing it. What if I can't write about how I could apply vitalism to my life? I also have to make 3 tinctures, which I'm honestly scared to make. I mean what if I add too much alcohol? Then what?

At the same time, I've been thinking alot about my path or lack thereof. In some ways I'm think I'm pagan, but then I think I'm Wiccan or a witch, then other times I am drawn to the Druid path. I feel so lost and confused sometimes...no all the time. I mean can one be a pagan and a druid, or a pagan and Wiccan? And then with Wicca there are so many paths, I don't know which if any are right for me. But I want a direction, I need a direction. I feel like sometimes I am wandering in the dark blindly. I feel like a liar if I say I'm a pagan or Wiccan because I don't feel like I have a true path to walk towards.

And then we come to who am I? For so long in my life, I have lived to be what someone else thought I should be and thought how they felt I should think, that I don't know how I am anymore. I was for lack of a better word forbidden to have my own beliefs or opinions. If they didn't fit into this person's view of how things are to be, I was heavily discouraged from following my heart and mind. It still holds true even now as I still have to live under this person's roof. If I express myself over concerns about the environment or the foods we eat, I'm being silly and overreacting. I'm being too extreme if I say I want my girls to eat a more organic diet and foods free of GMOs. It doesn't matter what it is that might strike a cord in me, if it doesn't suit "HIM" then I'm discouraged from taking an interest in it. Basically if it doesn't fit into his world it's not allowed.

Sure he may indulge for a short time if he thinks it's just a passing phase. But if it exceeds his "time frame" of how long I should be interested or if in his mind it takes away from attention on him, it becomes unnecessary and he calls it an obsession. He did this when I was involved with scrap booking and had a home based business, he did this when I was an avid reader, even when I was involved with my daughters in Girl Scouts.

Okay, that part really should be for another post. But suffice it to say, I have lost my identity. I don't know how I am, or what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up". I want to find myself again, I want to be free.

Wishcast Wednesday - Time

Today Jamie asks "What do you wish to make time for?" An easy yet so hard question to answer. There are many moments when I could probably "make time" for something but out of guilt or fear I don't. And then the moment is lost.

I wish to make time for me to connect with myself and my muse, time to study and learn, time to search inside to discover myself.

What does this dream mean?

Okay so I had this really oddly weird dream last night. I can't remember all of the details, some of them are quite fuzzy. But what I do remember is this:

My beloved and I were standing outside of a closed door with a gold door knob to a house. I was hold a vented bag that contained what was about 1 foot high domed-beehive made of twigs with seemingly a couple hundred little honeybees. I wanted to find a place to set the hive down so the bees could thrive. At first, I set it down in front of the door and said no this wouldn't be good because no one could go in or out and the bees would get in the house. So my beloved said let's put it in the yard. So I picked it up and carried it to the backyard. I set it down in one place and when I walked away the hive started to collapse and deteriorate, so I picked it back up and placed it somewhere else. The same thing happened again, so I picked up and moved it again...this happened several times. On one move some peaches fell out of it. They were very ripe and smelled very very sweet. We picked up as many as we could and some split open and had no pits inside. I remember saying something about that being weird. And then said we should maybe feed them to the animals. In a corner of the yard was a small fenced area that held a cow and some chickens. (the rest of the yard was unfenced.)

In a spot of the otherwise grassy yard was a square patch of dirt that I'd say was about 5'x5' that had a tan colored boar playing on it. It never ventured off this patch of dirt, just kept running around and playing by itself. I then looked across the way and saw on the neighboring yard a young pig tied to a dog run that was going absolutely nuts and was thrashing and pulling at the line trying to break free and get the boar. I said something like we should move the boar in with the other animals and went to do that. The pig got angrier. Then I looked back at the beehive again and it was falling apart again, the last thing I remember was picking it up to move it yet again.

I have no idea what any of this means. And maybe it means nothing at all. But I did go to bed very upset last night. You see, "HE" fucked up yet again. We have a lot of bills due this week and I've been running numbers in my head since last week trying to figure how we'd cover it all and if we had enough. Because "Dipshit" in his infinite wisdom bought our eldest a laptop. And for weeks while we'd been waiting for the flex plan check to come in I thought he was putting money aside for it from some of the side jobs he's done to buy it. BUT OH NO! NOT "HIM! NO... he used bill money to pay for the balance of the laptop. With apparently no consideration what so ever to whether we'd have enough to pay all those bills or buy food.

I told "HIM" I had to pay our electric and "HE" did the breakdown on what other bills were due and said oh we'll be okay we have 60 bucks left over. Well I double checked "HIS" numbers and found "HE" screwed up and we're 70 bucks in the hole. And "HE'S" all ladi-da about it. Like its no big deal. And I'm sitting here going what the fuck are we supposed to do. I can't even buy the milk, bread, butter and eggs we are out of because there's nothing to buy it with. And "HE" acts like it's no big deal!

Seriously...I can't keep living like this. I have to find a way out for me and my girls and soon. This is all too much already. I can't take it anymore. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my stomach hurts all the time, I'm having chest pains which I get from anxiety attacks that I haven't had in a very long time. I just don't know what to do.

Wishcast Wednesday- Permission

Wow...I can't believe I'm actually doing a wishcast on it's appropriate day...usually I forget or do them very late and end up posting on a Thursday or Friday. But here I am on a Wednesday...YAY! Anyway, Jamie's prompt this week is "What do you wish to give yourself permission for?"

I like many others I'm sure have a hard time giving myself permission for anything. Whether it's to buy something, do something, even learn something new. I'm always afraid of being judged negatively or worse deviating from one's perception of who I'm supposed to be. I've live all my life in fear of letting others down because I wasn't who they wanted me to be or doing what they wanted me to do. Now I'm at a point in my life where I don't even know who I even am anymore.

I like Gothic things (clothes and jewelry I'd go nuts if I actually allowed myself to buy things in Hot Topic), I love to wear black and dark colored clothes, I want to learn about the path of a solitary witch and/or path of a druid or both even just to learn and find my way, I want to hang my bird feeders out without being scolded that they drop seeds that sprout flowers, I want to plant the flowers and herbs and veggies that I want...I could go on and on and on.

So I, Ellie, give my self permission to:
1. Find myself and be who I AM without guilt or fear.
2. To wear the things I like sometimes even if I'm 40 and a mom of 2 teen girls.
3. To learn the things I want to learn and let myself explore and find my way.
4. To be able to speak and be heard, not ignored or ridiculed for my thoughts opinions or beliefs.

I could probably add a bunch more, but I will save that for another day.

Bright Blessings,
Ellie

Happy birthday My Love!

Today is my beloved's birthday....and I just wanted to say happy birthday. You've made my days brighter in the year we've been together, even on the gloomiest of days you've been there to guide me through them.

My wish for you is that all you that you could ever want or need or dream comes true. My wish for you is to be happy always. Happy birthday my sweet poet and I love you.

Jamie Oliver and Teaching Our Kids About Food

The more I delve into my passion to change things of how and what we eat, learning my herbal lessons, learning about herbs in general, the more I find things like articles or other people on the same or similar wave of thought. Things have been popping up at me on my little bunny trails left and right about GMOs and how dangerous they are and how they are hidden in our foods, or just on living more organically, or supporting our local farmers instead of the big farmers that use pesticides on their crops...just to name a few.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew school food wasn't the healthiest by any means. Jamie Oliver has a show coming up at the end of March I believe about his visit to Huntington, WV which was named the unhealthiest city in America. He won a TED award for this... (Congrats Jamie!) Watch here for his moving presentation and reflections on what he found in Huntington.