Saturday, August 31, 2013

Thoughts and Things

It's the end of August, another month over and gone.  Four months left to the year.  And what have I to show for it?  A few new paintings, a few words written.  Nothing I would call significant.  I don't want to waste the next four months with mediocrity.  I want to do something with these remaining months of the year.   I really want to figure out a way to possibly do some work towards a degree.  This is something my Beloved and I will need to talk about to see what would be doable and find out what resources for funds are available to me (yes Mary, I'd LOVE more input from you on this). 

Today we went to a farmer's market in a small town called Emmett.  It was the first time I was at a farmer's market that I actually saw the fruits and vegetables so affordable.  I mean seriously...eggplant for 50 cents!  cukes for 25-50 cents!  Peaches the size of baseballs for about 1.50 a pound!  Most things were under two bucks.  The area was just so quaint.  I'd love to go back and check it out a little further one of these days.  The art gallery caught my eye, so I'm curious to see what it might hold.

Today is also the birthday of a girl that I was in high school with.  She would have been 44 today.  She died in June of 1984 from injuries she sustained in a motorcycle accident.  Even though we weren't close friends, I took it hard.  Actually for most of the school year, we weren't friends.  I was more the brunt of hers and the rest of the little clique's teasing.  But we had cosmetology together.  Somewhere around May, she suddenly started being nice to me.  Offering me advice about how to train my hair to feather back.  How to wear black eye liner.  I think she may have even styled my hair in class once or twice.  I was wary of the kindness but welcomed it too.  I felt like if she accepted me the others would leave me alone.  Then we had off for Memorial weekend, and that's when tragedy struck.  I would pass by her house almost every day that week to ask her mom how she was.  A week later, she was gone.  I don't know if anyone still thinks of her, or visits her grave.  But I've never forgotten the beautiful red haired girl full of life and gone too soon.

I guess part of it is thinking of her and the time she doesn't get to have that is really making me look at things like this.  I don't want to waste my time piddling about, letting things slip away.  It also reminds of the tarot reading I had 3 years ago.  She told me I would write books.  So why am I not doing it???  I think we know that answer, I have talked about it a few times in previous posts.  I also want to prove to myself that I can.  That my childhood dreams can be a reality.

On that note, tomorrow starts the 2 page a day challenge. 15 minutes to be more exact!  I plan to participate.  Key word is PLAN.   Then there's NaNo in November.  So the idea is to write everyday at least 2 pages.  Work in some art.   Talk with my Beloved and bounce ideas off Mom about this degree thing.  Figure out what I'd want to major in....English?  History?  Creative Writing (this one scares me)?  Liberal Arts with a focus on English?  I need to start living the life I want and deserve rather than just talk about it or complain that I don't have it.  I have the hardest part covered---a support system, people that encourage me.  So by not acting, I'm not just letting myself down but I'm letting them down too.  That needs to change.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I always seem to do this.  I get this thought in my head, I get myself really thinking about it.  But it's not possible, not even close to the realm of possibility.  And yet, I went and got the thought in my head.

Back in my early years I started college.  It wasn't my first choice, but it was the one that TAP and PELL would cover completely.  I started out as a business major.  I was doing well, that is until I had to take algebra...dun dun dun.  I can NOT do algebra to save my life, nor do I give two shits about something I'll never use.  So I changed majors (HAHA! Take that algebra!) to Humanities with a focus on childhood education (I'd have to double check my transcripts to be sure that was the focus).  And I was doing well.  I was on the Dean's list.  I had a 3.8 GPA.  I was happy.  Now this wasn't exactly going to be my chosen field but I was thinking my degree would get me into a 4 year college and I could focus on what I wanted. 

I was twenty, I didn't know what I wanted to major in really.  I actually was considering Liberal Arts.  Once upon a time, I wanted to go to NYU or John Jay and study law.  But my brain doesn't work that way.  I'm not analytical.   But I love reading and I love history.  Hence why I pondered Liberal Arts.  Then I married the Ogre, and a year later we moved to FL.  And there went my college days. 

I've thought about going back a few times.  But every time was the same thing, no money no transportation...a long list of nos!

Well, today we were driving and some how the topic came up.  And once again I was talking about how I wanted a Liberal Arts degree.  However, my Beloved thinks that's silly.  He thinks I should at least major in English, History or Creative Writing.  (HOLY SHIT!  Someone who doesn't think those are stupid majors or a waste of time!!!)  My reason for wanting an associates in Liberal Arts is I don't know which road I want to take.  At least that way I can explore them all.  Great idea, right? 

Not so much.  I still don't have the money for it.  I still don't have a way to get there.  I don't even know which school here I'd consider.  Though the one I did look at....23 grand for tuition alone!!!!  I don't want to take out loans. 

So I've gone and done it to myself again.  Dreamed of a college degree that I can't get.  Briefly got my hopes up to let myself down.  The reality is I can't, we can't afford it.  I guess the best I could do is look at free courses online and try to make the best of it.  All I'm doing by thinking about school is letting myself down....hard.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On Writing...Part 2

For what ever reason, I don't feel like I was truly done.  But I kept digressing and going on bunny trails.

Back to why.  I really don't know why for sure, it's just always felt like something I had to do.  Needed to do.   This is why it gets so frustrating that I haven't been able to.  I don't necessarily want to be famous, although making some money from it would be nice.  I don't want all the glitz and glam of being say JK Rowling, constantly in the ever watchful eye of the media.  I can totally understand why she wrote the one book under a pen name.  But I wouldn't mind making a comfortable living from it.  Or at least one that could support my art needs.

Something that's popped into my head a few times, even as recently as last night, is to write something that is a cross between fantasy (ie: elves and dragons) meets steampunk.  My problem...I don't know a lick about writing steampunk AT ALL!  I know squat about things operating by gears and steam and all that goes with it.  So I don't know how I'd pull that off.    I want to write a story, well more like finish writing my witch story.  I got off track with that too.  It was my go to when I couldn't work on my original project.  But even this fell victim.

I think part of my downward spiral to not writing, aside from Gram's passing, was that the Ogre always told me what HE thought I should be writing.  That no body would want to read my attempt at fantasy.  That I should write about Brooklyn more specifically the neighborhood I grew up in and mobsters and such.  First of all, that's not what I want to write about.  I'm not into mobsters and crime writing like that.  HE's the one that allegedly hung out with or did business with some supposedly small time local mobsters.  Business as in he install alarm systems into their homes and businesses.  Whether or not these people really had any connections or not, I don't know.  It took me years to find out that all of what he said was bullshit and lies.

Then he'd do the whole "are you done yet?" "why not? when are you going to finish?"  "why aren't you writing what I told you to?"  "nobody wants to read that fantasy shit."  At one point I told him that if he wanted this mobster story written so fucking badly why don't he write it himself.  It did shut him up of awhile, but then it was back to the same crap.  Eventually, I ended up not writing at all.   And that's where I am at today.  Struggling to find my voice, to find my Muse.

The other problem I  have....I have a habit of writing like I talk most of the time.  Or more precisely how I talk in my head.  I tend to write too passively I think.  And I do a lot of telling and not enough showing.  I write a lot in past tense even if it's current, does that make sense?  I guess maybe a lot of the time my character is reliving the past perhaps?  I don't know how to change it up to not be so much of "she was" or "they did".  I suppose adding more description to scenes and surroundings wouldn't be too difficult as long as I have a clear vision of what it looks like.  I just don't know how to not write in past tense.  It's just how I think and how I write.  I was told by someone once that the only person it's ever worked for is Maeve Binchy.  But I've never read her books so I wouldn't know.

Does it even matter at this point?  Isn't the point that I write?  Isn't it more important to get the ideas, the plots, the characters and places out of my head into written words?  I would think so.

I wish I had a space in my room enough for a small desk to set up my laptop on.  I wish I knew how I could balance my time and my mind to do both my art and writing.   I wish I knew how to bring forth my Muse and keep her close so that I can create with abandon.

On Writing, I Am Hopeful

Okay so...this writing thing, one of the things I want so desperately.  Why?  That question just now, this moment popped into my head.  Why? Why do you want to write?  Why do you want it so badly? WHY????????  I...I........I don't know.  I just do.  Ever since I was in sixth grade I think.  When I first read the "Little House" books.  I'd been watching the series reruns on TV everyday.  Then I started reading the books.  I was captivated.  I wanted so much to be Laura!  I wanted to live on a farm and have a horse of my own.  To have chickens to feed and collect eggs from, and cows to milk.  I wanted to make butter and cheese.  To sew my own clothes, even if it was more of status symbol to have 'store bought'.  I wanted a wagon or a buckboard. I wanted a house like Pa built with a loft to sleep in.  To grow my vegetables and can them, to bake bread from scratch.

Now you're thinking no no no that's farm living not writing.   And that may be true.  But it is also what got me started on a dream to write.  I wanted to write all my stories down in marbled composition notebooks, just like Laura did.  My first story that I was thinking of writing?  Well, see around that same time, I found out I had an older half sister.  So naturally, my book was letters to my sister.  I always imagined her name was Barbara for some reason.  It's not though.  I never did finish my story, or my letters.  I did finally find her though.  It's just sad that her adoptive family doesn't want her to have anything to do with me or the family.  And sadly, it sees she is abiding to their wishes.  Sometimes I want to write her a letter and sometimes I think...why should I care or bother.  She friended me on Facebook when she first signed up, then she promptly unfriended me.  That made me sad.  It's sad that she won't even take the time to get to know me and be friends if we can't be sisters.  I am aunt twice and a great aunt too, and I will never know my nephews.

But again, that's not the point of why or even the point of this post. Now is it?  Sorry about that :)
So, the short answer is that ever since I was 12 and read those books I wanted to write.  I used to in my teens attempt poetry.  But all those got lost.  I think over the years I've made feeble attempts here and there to write, but it never amounted to much of anything.  Usually at best it was "Chapter ONE"  It was a dark and stormy night...................  Okay maybe that's rather cliche but you get the idea.

Fast forward to about 2005.  I have an idea.  I start to research things about elves, dragons, faeries, etc.  That's also about the time I think the Goddess truly started to call to me because my pen name was Cerridwen.  Though I was going to use one of the other spellings that I thought flowed better for an autograph.  Oh yes, I was dreaming big!  Then I got a laptop that Christmas.  And I would burn the midnight oil, writing and researching.  I think it was around this time too, that I really started to realize that my marriage was wrong.  Okay so...for the most of 2006 now, I'm writing and plotting and researching.  I have a habit of writing it in long hand then entering it on my laptop and editing as I go.  And I thought it was going great.  November comes around, NaNo starts and I'm ready...I'm going to do this.  Then Gram's goes into the hospital, after a week she is sent home.  Less than a week later on Thanksgiving Day, she's gone.  Dead!  I'm devastated. 

In that moment, the words stopped coming and my Muse grew silent.  I have struggled ever since.  My original story still sits in my binder and on my laptop.  Hoping to one day return to it.  But, right now, I am trying something different.  Something new.  In an effort to get myself writing.  On and off for about the last week or so, I have started to write in a notebook.  They are memories from my childhood and teen years.  I started off thinking I wanted to write from the POV of my character, who is a version of my 17ish year old self.  But last night, as I was writing, it occurred to me I think I want to change that part.  Still from the same POV, just that the character is perhaps older.  That way I can include more into it if I choose to.  I haven't sketched out anything about the character or the story.  I'm just writing down memories.  The bad ones, the ones that changed things for me.  The ones that are hazy and want to remember more of. 

But I'm writing, no pressure, just writing.  I do however, want to participate in a challenge that starts on September 1st.  It's to write 2 pages a day until the end of the year.  By that time, you should have a complete first draft manuscript.  I'm not going to pressure myself or beat myself up if I miss any days.  I don't know yet if I will continue with these memory writings are do something different or both.  I'm just happy to be writing!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Full Moon Blessings!

First I wish you all full moon blessings!  May the old things be cleansed away and new, good things begin.

I've spent the day working on setting up a Weebly site, a Deviantart site, and a Facebook page.  For months I have been trying to brand myself in some way.  To come up with a name and all that sort of thing.  Then it hit me today...I AM The Forgotten Muse.  It's been in front of me all along.  And so, that is what I'm going with.  Yes, I might change my mind later.  Then my work would start all over again.  But for now, this is what it is. 

I don't know why, all of a sudden, at this moment in time it feels so urgent to do this.  It's just like "Do It NOW!!!"  Get yourself out there.  I'm in no real way ready to sell my art direct from me.  But I will get there.  In the mean time, I plan to offer prints from Deviantart.  Though I have discovered that my DPI isn't high enough to offer larger than 5x7 in some cases.  (Okay, I only have 2 things listed in my gallery so far.  That's a huge step!)  Hopefully I will be ready to share some of the links here soon.  It's a step I am working on, a fear I am trying to overcome.

I know this means I seriously need to get and keep my ass in gear and paint my little heart out.  That's a little scary too.  In some ways I feel like I haven't much inspiration.  I want to paint intuitively but quieting myself to do that is quite the challenge.  But if I want to do this, it's something I need to overcome as well.

Last night/early this morning...I was having a dream.  It was an odd dream.  I was caring for an infant, it wasn't my child.  I don't really know now who it belonged to.  I don't remember if it was a boy or girl.  But it was in my care.  We were being chased.  Someone wanted to take this child.  Whoever it was, finally caught up to us and it was The Rock.  Of all people!  Then I wasn't sure if he was trying to take the child or help me protect it.  I don't really remember.  I feel like this might have some meaning to it, but I don't know if it's just my thinking or if it really does.  I don't remember a whole lot about the dream other then The Rock, this infant I was trying to protect, fast cars, water and marshes.

Well back to thinking and planning. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I have been feeling more and more lately that I really need to take shit seriously.  I've even started to pick up the paint brush again.  Though this week was a flop since the niece was here and then I hurt my back.  Which by the way is still hurting, a bit better but still painful.

Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.  Well WAY OUT for me.  I opened an account and posted some of my art and photography on    I'm not going to share it here just yet because I'm not sure that I'm ready to have my name out there on here yet.  Part of me wants to drop the curtain and use my name on my blog and part of me doesn't.

If I do decide to put my name/face up on the blog it may be that I turn some of my earlier posts private.  There's just some things that I don't want certain people to see.  It's easier than trying to explain myself, to explain why I felt that way or why I wrote what I did.  I know, they may not even read the blog if I went "public" but if they did it would just be easier than having to explain or justify my words.

But since I really want to get myself out there with my art and photography, I have 2 choices when it comes to blogging.  I either A) go "public" with this one.  or B)  I start a new blog with my real name on it so that I can share the links and such to places I would have my work up.  With B, I could then post the link to it on here and you could choose to read/follow it if you want to.  And I wouldn't have to justify anything.  I do have a wordpress that I could use but I really don't like the dashboard there.  

It's just more thinking I need to do about how to handle the blog connection to things.  I still have a lot of thinking and planning to do to even promote my work.  Like do I want to have a website for it?  Do I want a Deviantart (not sure if I spelled it right) account?  Do I want to try Etsy (I really can't afford the listing fees right now though)?  Do I want to brand myself?  What would I call said brand?  etc etc etc.........Still so many decisions.  It kinda gets overwhelming.  Plus I need to actually keep painting consistently!!!  I need to do my promised pieces for 2 friends of mine.  One of which is to design a memorial tattoo.

I want to overcome the things, the thoughts that hold me back.  I NEED TO!  And this isn't a time for baby steps or I'll never get myself going. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013


This I think could only happen to me....LOL.

Thursday we went out sneaker shopping.  Seeing as mine are over 6 years old and well, even though they aren't falling apart I'm just not getting the proper support from them anymore.  So we're out and about, stopped into Payless and I was trying on sneakers.  I felt a slight twinge and told myself to be careful about how I move again.  Tried on a couple more pairs and still not finding something I was happy with.  So we went to look at the mens sneakers to see if anything by chance would feel good.  I was trying on a shoe and OUCH OUCH OUCH OH SHIT OUCH!!!  I felt it!  My back HOLY FUCK did it hurt!!!!!!!  I almost couldn't straighten back up and certainly couldn't bend over.

Okay this day isn't going well now.  Can't find a pair of sneakers I can be happy with and now I'm in pain.  I tried to walk it off.  We then decided to check "Wally-world" aka Wal-mart.  My back wasn't fairing much better.  We thought maybe trying to pop my back would help some...but, it wouldn't pop.  I could hardly sit and get back up to try on shoes there too.  And again, not able to find a pair I was totally happy with. 

All I kept thinking was shit this can't be happening.  We're going to the County Fair on Sunday...I want to go on the water log ride!  I can't be in pain.  I wasn't a happy camper...still not :(   I iced it the rest of the day on Thursday.  And that night and all yesterday I did heat.  I'm still not at a 100% and so my Beloved is forbidding me to go on the ride.  I'm so bummed!!! 

I'm just hoping I can make it through the day tomorrow.  I've never been to a County Fair before so I'm kinda excited about it.  But more so, I just want this pain to go away. 

Until next time...........

Monday, August 12, 2013

Reflections, Part 2 and Art

I really don't know where yesterday's post came from.  It certainly what I wasn't thinking of posting, at least not the way it came out.  But I think maybe it was something I needed to get off my mind.  Recovery from emotionally abusive and narcissistic relationships is long.  Especially when they make you feel like it was your fault that things happened as they did.  Or that you make them behave that way.  There are still days that I feel like I'm to blame, that maybe it was all in my head.  But I know I'm not alone.  I know there are others who experienced the same or similar abuse/treatment. 

Today I took time to light a candle and put on some of my 'new age-y' music.  I love to listen to Llewelynn sometimes, and it's been awhile since I have.  Then I listened to some Medwyn Goodall.  My candle smelled's organic and has a citrus scent.  I took a small leaf off my White Sage smudge stick (that I've never lit!!)  and lit it - the small leaf and let the smoke waft in the 4 corners of my room.  I didn't want to light the whole stick seeing as I wasn't alone didn't want questions.  I was content with my little leaf for that moment. 

I also did some art today.  First time in a couple of months at least.  It felt good.  I finished a piece I worked on several months ago, maybe even last year sometime.  I wasn't happy with it, but I couldn't do anymore with it so I put it in the closet until it felt right.  Today was that day and I think I am finally happy with it.  I have another small piece on my easel but I'm really not liking it at all!  And then I've got my BIG paper (that's been on my wall blank forever!) and I finally got something going on that.  Not sure where it's going to lead to yet.  I'm having a very hard time with my acrylics today, they don't seem to want to spread/flow the way I want them too.  Not sure if it's the weather, the ceiling fan being on, if I need to wet my brush more..or if it's all or none of these.  I'm just glad I got the brush in my hand and actually did something besides just think about it.

Sunday, August 11, 2013


Sometimes, I sit and think about my life and wonder where the fuck did I go so wrong with it.  There are times I just feel like a complete failure.  Okay, a lot of the time.

Like how I let an abusive addict control my life between 16 and 18 years old.  I swore I'd never get involved with an addict given my father was an alcoholic.  But it happened anyway, learned behavior maybe?  Or how I let my mother control me for so long.  She all but encouraged this relationship.  Every time I broke it off, she would find a way to get us back together.  Maybe it was the time he held me at knife point in a subway stairwell that finally woke her up.

In a way, I guess my mother was abusive too.  Is that the right word even?  I don't know.  It seems too easy to throw it around.  But she was controlling, quick to put me down, and could serve up the silent treatment if I didn't agree with her better than anyone I knew.  I don't know if she was/is bipolar, narcissistic, or what.  Yet I put up with it because all my life she put the 'fear of Mom' in me.  Short of saying I brought you into this world I can take you out. 

Fast forward a couple more years, now I'm married to a narcissist.  I didn't know it at the time.  He was charming and persuasive.  A smooth talker as my aunt said.  He could make you believe just about anything.  Made promises out the ass.   In the end, I gave up going to college after a year to move to Florida with him (we were married a year at this point).  Lived with his sister for 6 months, didn't know it then but they are so much alike!  At this point he really hadn't shown his true colors yet.  But slowly after we were there, he would make comments and suggestions to subtly break me away from my family.  I was in Florida with no friends or family anywhere near me.  After a few more years, the controlling behavior really started to show.  The put downs, the belittling.  The making me feel like I was crazy.  The first time I was taking my oldest back home to meet the family, he told me if I even thought about not coming back he'd have me arrested and declared unfit.  Now at the time, this hadn't really crossed my mind.  I never even once threatened to leave or not come back.   But those words scared me!!! 

Three years later and two kids later, the relationship isn't improving and his narcissism only gets worse.  But everyone thinks he walks on water and can do no wrong.  He's made that same threat a few more times here and there, pretty much solidifying me staying so I can be with my kids.  And I got blamed for everything wrong in our lives.  I could do nothing right, I was stupid, I was his opinion.  Things had to be done his way or it was wrong.  His favorite thing to say was "if you know how I want things done, why don't you just do it that way to begin with and then I wouldn't have to get mad".

Then I decided I wanted to homeschool the girls.  I feel like I failed them miserably at it.  I feel like I have failed with my kids in so many ways.  Getting them to do their work was near impossible.  Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe homeschooling was a bad idea after all.  I feel like I've let them down in every way possible.  I suppose at some point in life every parent might feel like they have failed their children.

So where am I going with this post?  I really don't know to be honest.  My past just makes me feel like I failed as a daughter, as a wife, and as a mother.  I know that I can't blame myself for what my mother and my ex did or how they made me feel.  I can't blame myself for the choice my girls make now that they are old enough to make their own decisions.  I can only hope I instilled enough in them that they won't get lost in the world. 

I need to shed all this junk that holds me back.  These feelings of failure and inadequacy.  I need to find and make my own happiness.  I am happy to be with my Beloved, to be surround by nature as we are.  I love being here with him.  I just really need to find a way to come into my own and be who I was meant to be, to be the person he sees in me.  I need to find the key to unlock the door and set her free.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Missed 2 Days, Thoughts

I knew it would happen.  It usually does.  The first day I missed blogging I was so tired I actually forgot.  Yesterday well....I just didn't know what to write about.  Here I am today and still no clue as to what to write about.

I've really just been trying to figure things out, I suppose.  How to get myself motivated.  What should I name my imaginary art studio?  The place in my mind where I can see myself making art and writing.  Why can't I get myself motivated?  Why do I let myself get distracted by random shinies? 

Why do I find it so hard to go after the things I want in life?  What am I afraid of?  Well that's easy...rejection, criticism, failure, fear itself...just to name a few.  Most of the time, it's enough to make the shinies very attractive.  And therefore I get nothing done.  I really need to work on this stuff.  But how?  *sigh*

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


"She really needs to sort out her priorities." ~~ Ron Weasley

That's basically me in a nutshell right there!  I just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I want to write.  I want to make art.  I want to blog.  But I just can't for the life of me get my shit together enough to do what I want to do.  What I need to do.

I want to write because one day I hope to be published.  I don't want to be JK Rowling famous, but I would like to be able to buy a few nice things.

I want to make art, to paint.  Not just for me, but to sell as well.  If anyone would buy it, I don't know.   But like my writing I'm afraid I suck at it too much.  And if I don't suck too much, I don't want it to become like a job where I end up hating or resenting it.  Does that make sense??

I want to blog (more).  I just don't feel like I have anything to "talk" about most days.  I suppose I could like blog about things in the world that strike a cord with me.  Like the young woman in Florida who got 20 years for firing a warning shot in the air, warning her abusive ex to stay away from her.  This in itself would take a whole post at minimum.  As a survivor of abuse, this really hits home.  Maybe this will be a post for tomorrow after all.

I just really want to figure out a way to do, to get myself motivated to do the things I want and need to be doing.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today is a bitter sweet day for me.  It's my Daddy's birthday.  He would have been 71.  But he died at 52 on Christmas Eve.  He met my oldest once.   He was so weak I had to lift her onto his lap so he could holder her.  He never met my youngest.  It makes me so sad that they didn't get to know him.

My Dad was an alcoholic all my life.  Once, when I was about 11 or 12 his job made him go to AA.  He was sober for about 3 or 4 months.  It was nice.  He would go grocery shopping with us and even offer to help me with homework. But then his "friends" made fun of him.  And he started drinking again.  After that, he didn't stop and things went down hill from there.

When I was a little girl he would play with me.  Drunk as he would be sometimes, he would play with me.  I loved it when he would spin me in circles.  I was never afraid that he'd hit my head on something.  How a drunk man didn't get dizzy and drop me or hurt me...still makes me scratch my head in wonder.  He would carry me on his shoulders or he'd get on all fours and let me "ride" on his back so he could tuck me in at night.  He would play hide and seek with me.   I can't remember when it was that things changed.

I remember a night when I was about 3 or 4.  I had these blue canvas sneakers with the white rubber across the toes that were marked "left" and "right".  They had ABC's and 123's on the sides.  I remember my mother scooping me up, grabbing those sneakers and rushing out the door to get away from him.  We walked around the neighborhood, not returning until she was sure he was asleep.  I remember we crept up the stairs in the hall listening...then we heard his snores and knew it was safe. 

I don't have many happy memories because he was always drunk when he came home from work.  I mostly remember him yelling in Polish.  Him being too drunk to take off his shoes, so I was told to do it. 

When he got sick and ended up in the hospital, I thought I'd get a second chance with him.  A chance for us to have the relationship that alcoholism stole from us.  I had planned to bring him to live with me.  But then, while in the hospital, he had a heart attack or something.  I just remember the doctor saying they cracked his chest and worked on him for 45 minutes to no avail.  So alcoholism stole even our second chance.

I miss my Dad.  I miss what could have been.  I miss that we didn't get a chance to be the father/daughter we should have been.  I miss that he didn't get to see his granddaughters grow up.  It sucks that we got cheated out all that.  I am grateful that I forgave him and told him so months before he died.  I'm grateful that he knew I didn't hate him.  I just hope he's been able to find the peace I know he didn't have here in this life.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Day 5 of 30...Blog-a-long

I really really suck at this posting at a decent hour, timely manner.  I guess it's more important that I am actually posting rather then when or what time I am.

Went into town today.  Browsed through Target.  I was looking for something specific.  A snack food.  The company site said Target carried it.  Couldn't find a single bag of it any where!  It's kinda sad too that I emailed said company last week and have yet to hear back from them too.  Maybe I'm just not meant to eat these things!  LOL

Poked around in Bed Bath & Beyond too.  Sometimes they really have to coolest things in there.  Today they had a "bed of nails"  Its a piece of cloth covered foam with these plastic spikey discs all over it that you are supposed to lay on.  They had a pillow too.  It's supposed to be some sort of accupressure, but it didn't look like it would be too comfortable or like it would actually work.

But the real miracle of the day was that I was right near Michael's and DID NOT go in there.  I believe me, I wanted to.  Truly I did.  But I restrained myself and resisted the urge.  I'm kinda proud of myself for not going in.  Even if I do need gesso and some matte medium.  And even if I really want to try painting on an actual canvas.  *sigh* 

Alas, I didn't get any arting done today.  And now I'm too tired.  I just want to go curl up with "Nevermore" by James Patterson and relax.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

That Flower Is...

Here I am posting late yet again.  Damn it I'm determined to do the blog-a-long for 30 days with Effy!!  I just seem to get sidetracked, distracted, etc.  I need to stop doing that. :)

I really didn't know what to even write about today.  Honestly...I even forgot about it until just now.  I'm bad I know lol

So I thought I would simply do an update regarding my post from a couple of days ago about the mystery flower.  A dear Canadian friend found out it is called "Velvetleaf".  Who'd have thought that a plant with velvety feeling leaves would be called something so simple and oh so obvious.  LOL  But it isn't a good plant, sadly.  It's a broad leaf weed that can grow to 5 feet tall and its leaves can span up to 8 inches across.  Its seeds can lie dormant in the ground for up to 50 years!!!   It can also harbor diseases that are harmful to crops such as corn and soy.  I think it said cotton also, but I'd have to double check.  As pretty as it is, it will have to go. 

Hopefully I will do better about remembering and not getting sidetracked tomorrow.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Sailing...Yard Sale Style

Today was a day spent yard sale-ing.  I didn't find much today.  Just a pair of overall shorts, a cute skirt, an herb book, 3 rainbow stamp/ink pads (75 cents for the 3!!), a cute stamp of mini flowers, and a butterfly stencils.  I had better luck at the library book sale.  Fill a bag for a buck.  We filled 2!  I scored 10 books!!  Among them: "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil", "The Poisonwood Bible", "The Forgotten Garden", a book by Marion Zimmer Bradley that isn't part of the Avalon series, "Three Cups of Tea", "Five Quarters of the Orange", "Fried Green Tomatoes" (I love the movie!!) and a few others.

Between hunting for yard sales, we stopped at Burger King for lunch.  There we are sitting and feasting on our BK delicacies when I looked up and here comes a man crossing the busy street wearing a top hat and ...O.M.G.  he had a monocle too!  Then it hit me, we were near where the weekend anime convention was going on.  Soon I realized there were others in BK from the same convention.  Including the adorable young lady in a Tardis tank dress.

We ended our day at a Barn Sale, basically it was a yard sale in a barn.  This is where I scored the stamp pads.  From there we headed home to relax and then partake of some delicious Papa Murphy's pizza and some cheese cake for dessert. 

Then I discovered I got sunburned!  Surprisingly, thankfully it doesn't hurt.  My lips and cheeks feel a little tingly but my neck and shoulder though red feel okay.  Hopefully it stays that way.

I fully intended or thought about at least of doing some art today.  Just never got that far.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!!

Friday, August 2, 2013

What flower is it?

This is only partially what I was hoping for today.  My day didn't go as planned and thus I am posting later then I intended to also.  But here I am and here's my post for day 2.

The question is:  What the heck is it?  The buds are rather large, but when it blooms the flower is smaller than what the bud was.  The huge heart shaped leaves and stems are very soft and velvety feeling.  I mean the leaves really feel like a piece of velvet!  I tried to get some decent pictures but the breeze wouldn't cooperate so this is what I have right now.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Blessed Lammas

I full intended to blog MUCH earlier today.  But as usual, I kept piddling around with things instead of focusing.  And the next thing I know it's 11:36 PM and I hadn't blogged.

See I've been on the fence about the blog along with Effy.  Mainly because, well...we all know how that goes.  I was supposed to blog everyday in June.  The topic was right up my alley.  And I dropped the ball.   Shit happens, I know.  But still.  It bugs me!!

Well, here I am.  I'm going to try yet AGAIN.  I don't know what all I will write about.  Maybe on somedays I'll just post a photo I took and write about it.  Like uh say for tomorrow's post.  I'll post the photo tomorrow and maybe someone can help us solve a mystery.

I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a Blessed Lammas/Blessed Imbolc.  May you and yours be blessed with love, health, happiness, prosperity.

I bid you good night as I go find another book to read.